Wild Imaginings

Dream 12.28.12
I get a little sexually graphic in my description today – be warned.

As I continue to refrain from sex in the real world, my dreams have definitely become more sexual in nature. Even though I don’t feel frustrated irl, in my dreams, it often becomes my goal: the search of someone, a place, an act, etc.

Last night’s dream, I was in a restaurant, with friends perhaps. I was sitting there darting my eyes around at everyone and everything in the room, imagining myself giving blowjobs to every man everywhere. I was specifically imagining in minute detail, the sensations of putting my lips around the head of a penis and feeling the smooth, spongy but stiff flesh inside the walls of my mouth. Yes I do enjoy that quite a bit irl but in the dream I was savouring the thought, reminiscing and obsessing over the memories of such sensations.

Then for whatever reason, we had to leave the restaurant through the “back” way. So we went behind this wooden slatted enclosure, which was the way downstairs to the washrooms. But behind the enclosure there were also a bunch more private tables. As we ran down the stairs towards the washrooms and backdoor, I wondered why anyone wanted to sit in more private tables that were situated right beside the washroom.

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A Lot of Wooden Furniture

Dreams 12.19.12
I think this dream started off as sort of a fantasy. Although I’m not sure why I started fantasizing just before my under-an-hour nap, so maybe it just happened as I was drifting into sleep like the other dream a couple days ago.

I was in one wing of a mansion with someone who was nagging me so I wanted to get away from them. I stepped into another wing which was much darker. It had a few steps going lower then I went behind dark iron doors into a small octagonal room. It had some furniture in the middle, couple of long wooden couches that faced each other on a red stained bamboo rug. On the left was a door which led out to a little balcony. Sun light was shining through onto the floor. Beside this door was a side table with some ornaments. A painting with strong turquoise colored themes hung above.

On the opposite side of the room, there was a step up, which led to an old style chinese study. A man stood on this step, leaning on the wooden couch speaking to another person sitting on the opposite couch with his back facing the doorway that led to the balcony. I went in there pretending not to interrupt their conversation, pretending to be the maid. A duster appeared in my hand and I went to dust the side table.

They were startled to see me but when I started to dust, they hesitantly continued their conversation in hushed tones, expecting me to leave the room soon. The man standing was describing some kind of sexual encounter to the other man. I was getting very turned on eavesdropping on their conversation. When I “finished” with the side table, instead of leaving the room, I went to sit beside the man on the couch, a couple feet away from him and looked at the standing man with an expectant expression as if to say, “Please, do continue with your story.”

The man had paused when I sat down but after digesting my expression, he continued with his story. Then without going into too much detail, I remember that in the dream, I felt my various body parts responding in arousal. There was some subversive brushing by of body parts in an effort to stimulate myself further. Then my desire could no longer be contained and I just got up, walked up to the standing man and made an obvious move on him while the sitting man watched. I’m not sure how far things went after that.

Later in the dream, I was crawling around on my real bedroom floor, naked. I had either fallen or rolled out of bed to hide my nakedness because roommate had come into the room to speak to husband. I remember being relieved to be interrupted from whatever we were doing that left me naked. I don’t think it was sex although something sexually tinged (if that makes any sense).

The room was dark and grey all over with just a bit of sunlight shining through the closed blinds. I looked around on the floor searching for broken pieces of grey acetate, trying to sweep them into a pile with my hands so I could push them under my desk or just pick them up off the floor. I almost found all the pieces but kept thinking I was missing more.

There was another part where I went down the stairs but it’s been half a day since I had this dream now so I can’t remember what happened or why. It was still within our real house. Again, everything was grey even though the stairs and hallways had lots of sunlight coming through the big window at the top of the stairs.

Running Away and My Father, the Superstar

Here are rough notes on the past two nights’ dreams. I haven’t been writing them down in detail because I’ve been feeling a bit depressed over the weekend. The dreams I would say contributed to the sadness.

12.16.12
I had three different dreams this night, all surrounding the same-ish theme with varying degrees of urgency and emotion: getting away from husband. The details get hazier as the night goes on.

Dream 1
The first was kind of a dream before I really fell asleep. I remember closing my eyes and all the lights in the room were off. It was “pitch black” except the faint glow of my blackberry clock that always comes on when it is plugged in. It was ever so faintly lighting the white mesh drapes tied and hung around our metal four poster bed. As I drifted off to sleep, the dream’s images were formed from shadows and those wispy white things.

Details are hazy but I was literally running away from husband. He was in fast pursuit of me for some reason and I was terrified. Not really for my life in the sense that he was trying to harm me but it felt like I was being run into a corner, trapped.

Dream 2
I was sitting down on a couch with husband, about to watch tv. His wandering hands start pawing at me and trying to grope me. I stand up to reject him only to see his hands and arms have detached from his body, still trying to latch on to me. His face was now a blur but it was still him. I backed away to try and shake off the disembodied limbs but the kept crawling towards me.

I escaped out the back door to the backyard and slid the glass door shut behind me as soon as I could. The twisted, hands and arms were right up against the glass, scratching & pawing like zombie limbs, trying to open the glass door. I stood outside, looking at the limbs through the glass, seeing husband’s blank face and body still sitting on the couch like a rock in the background, unmoving. I was scared but now I breathed a sigh of relief.

The third one I cannot remember details about but I know it was about running away or leaving husband in some way, either literally or figuratively because when I woke up, I forgot the dream details but was unpleasantly surprised at the consistency of the night’s dream activities. It kind of put me into a depressive mode all afternoon.

12.17.12
I had moved back into my mother’s house into a spare bedroom (looked nothing like the real place). It was all white with sheer white curtains and a simple bed. There was a white dresser in the corner with a little CRT TV.

A TV program was on that was a variety show. There was some sining, some dancing. Then a sketch portion came on and my dad was in it, acting. I was very surprised to see him but was amazed to see how good he was. He was acting his ass off and he looked charismatic and impressive.

Then my mom poked her head in the door and commented on my dad on the show. She complimented him and saying he put on the stage make-up on his own as well. She said look closely to see what an amazing job he did because he looked years younger. I walked up closer to the TV so I could get a better look. Indeed his make-up job was fantastic. His face was so smooth and flawless. His skin-tone was healthy. In my head I thought about how his acting lessons have really paid off and how things are really gonna go well for him now after this TV performance.

(FYI – My dad is NOT an actor. He is, in real life, far, far, FAR from the person who showed up on the TV show in my dream.)

Bike Parts at the Flea Market

Dreams 12.12.12
I don’t remember all of it. I know I was with two friends who were a couple. There may have been another person, possibly husband. The couple brought us to a market / flea market. We seemed to be in a foreign country.

I remember going up to the girlfriend and remarking that this place was amazing. There were so many things to see. I was loving the experience. Then after some walking and bumping into the crowds, I realize with the fourth person that we lost the couple. We then tried to search for them and cover all the grounds in the market.

Finally we came upon a narrow back alley. It was “blocked’ by a long square tube of a rack, filled with miscellaneous bicycle parts. Looking closer, I realized this was an actual shop. The parts were laid out on the rack in a way that people could walk through the tunnel of parts and find little bits and pieces in every nook and cranny of the store.

We decided to go through the tunnel to see if our friends were there. Lo and behold, they were! They were excitedly grabbing and examining various parts in the shop, yelling out, asking the owner for prices. When I was close to one of them, I exclaimed, “I KNEW we would fine you here!” They barely noticed us and continued with their rummaging.

There’s another part of the dream I’m not quite remembering. I am just getting the feeling of it. It may have involved a laptop and then someone saying “I told you so” to me.

A Talk To Fix All

Dreams 12.08.12
I was at work but it was all dark out like it was night time for some reason. During my lunch break, I went outside of the building and see df pull up to the curb in front of me. I knew he had something to say so without worrying about possible consequences I jumped in the car and went for a ride.

There was a long silence and we seemed to keep going around in circles, always making the wrong turn that did not take us back to the office. He seemed nervous and kept looking straight ahead at the road, not once looking at me. When he made the wrong turn again I spoke up, “Do you have something to say?” Then he finally managed to say, “I don’t know how to do this, how to tell (another of my husband’s close friends, who we are staying with).”

I told him, “I don’t think there is any reason or point to tell (friend). He has nothing to do with anything. What’s more important is for you to get a chance to talk to husband. I can’t speak for you about how you feel about all this but an apology of some sort seems to be in order. I’ve already said my piece to him.” He didn’t respond but seemed to be nodding sheepily in agreement.

Then I looked out the window into the night wondering when anything will ever be right again.

Imagining a Show and The Dark Mirror Video

Dreams 12.06.12
I was mulling about a school gym. It looked like a concert was being setup on stage. I was supposed to be security guarding one of the doors. From my vantage poiint I saw Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine and another well known guitarist from another big band, his name escapes me at the moment. They were kind of hidden in the backstage area by the half closed sliding walls that separated the gym and stage into different classrooms. When I caught a glimpse of their faces, I was too curious so I walked around to get a better vantage point.

They were loading equipment through the door and setting them up. I was surprised to see that it was not a guitar or band setup. They had a lot of mixers and panels so it was more like a DJ setup. I guessed that they were teaming up to do some experimental collaboration, playing crazy small shows in front of young kids who would have a clue that they were already famous musicians.

I wanted to walk up and ask them questions, talk to them. I wasn’t a huge fan of either of them specifically but have always enjoyed their music. I was a bit starstruck. I contemplated just writing them a nice note and just leaving it on their panels. That would be way too cheesey though. So I finally got up the courage, walked right up and I asked if they were doing one show or two tonight. Tom Morello was very nice. He smiled and answered me politely. I said something else kind of dumb. Tom continued to be nice since he realized I was a fan but the other dude was kind of rude to me, giving me blunt one word answers. Finally I left them alone and walked out of the gym. I looked back at the half closed stage and took in the gym environment one last time, imagining what their show would look like.

Later in the dream, I was sitting on a dark leather couch in a dark room, taking a video with my cellphone camera, into a mirror. So I was seeing the bright light from the cell phone reflected in the mirror at me and the silhouette of myself and the couich could barely be seen.

Cupid’s Strange Messages

Dreams 12.03.12
Long sleep dream:
I am sitting around a table with a couple, 2 of husband and my closest friends. The male starts talking first. They are both very diplomatic in their approaches but usually the male gets to the point quite quickly if he thinks you can handle it. This time he stutters, saying, “You know, usually a guy…needs…in order to…”

I interrupt him and say, “What is it you want to say?” I wait for the response. He looks at his girlfriend, neither able utter a word. Then I bluntly say loudly, “I just don’t have any desire to have sex with him! There it is. No desire, at all!” Then I slump back with my arms crossed in front of me in a defensive pose.

They were shocked but unsurprised by what I said, at a loss for words. Then there was a long awkward silence.

Nap Dream:
I entered a very simple grey building in a covert fashion and snuck up a few stories. The hallways inside were simple and white, lit by fluorescents. There were no other signs of people in the hallways at all but I kept a low profile anyway and ducked down hallway through a non-descript door.

Inside it was an audio-video recording, editing studio / dormitory. Every inch of wall was covered in some dark grey sound insulating material. It was very quiet and even though there were people talking down some of the rooms or hallways I peeked in, their sound was clear and crisp or muted if they whispered.

I went down every narrow hallway, past cluttered work stations. I went down the camera testing area. There were people I barely knew from my production days there. I jumped up on their desks to get past them to see what else was down the hall. I went by 8 bunk beds built into the walls, surrounded by that sound insulating eggcrate material. It actually looked very comfy and eerily calming.

I was frantically searching for the recording booth because I knew someone was waiting for me there. All I needed to do was find it and I would jump him and we would have crazy sex inside the private booth and recording studio. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

As usual, I woke up before finding it.

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