Vaulted Memories and Inverted Me

Dreams 01.09.13
I was staying as a guest in JM’s mom’s basement. Her sister was on the computer and JM was hovering over. I joined them to see what they were looking at. They were going through a bunch of wedding party photos from JM’s wedding to someone.

All the bridesmaids had light and airy purple tulle/chiffon dresses. The pictures were refreshing and beautiful. I turned to JM and said, “You did good! Looked like a beautiful day!” I also pointed out one picture where her sister, the maid of honor was featured among the group and said, “You look SO hot there!”

Then she and her sister wrestled over the mouse a little fighting to show me another set of pictures or videos. As they flipped through the windows, I saw a video file name of interest. It had husband’s name in it and I wanted to see as it was dated from before or just after I met him almost 9 years ago. I instinctively and easily commandeered the mouse and went click click. The video started playing right away.

I could feel JM tensing up a little beside me so I got nervous as well. What is going to be in this video? Then it played and it showed someone stomping, wildly and irrationally, a little plastic moving thing on the tile floor, some sort of toy. I thought the person stomping was throwing a temper tantrum. Naturally in my mind, because the video file name included his name, I assumed it was husband.

The camera tilted up and it was husband. I was somewhat relieved because well, at least it wasn’t something I really did not want to see. Then on closer look, he wasn’t angry at all in the video. Whatever he was stomping on, this toy, was supposed to be chsse-stomped. It was part of the game. Anyway, then JM’s daughter entered the video. She was only about 3-4 here, younger than I’ve ever seen her. She ran up to husband of 9 years past and gave him a big hug. He picked her up, held her close and showed her off to the camera. It was a tender moment.

In my head/heart, I felt slight pangs of jealousy. Jealous of a tender familial moment I am never going to have with him. Even though I knew it was my doing, my choice that stops this from ever happening, a part of me still longed for it. I didn’t know if I just longed for it in general or with him specifically. There was just a wanting hole in my heart and its presence made me a jealous. At the same time I felt ashamed. I felt like I just exposed a private memory that shouldn’t have been shared with me. Worse, it was a private memory that wasn’t meant to be remembered. It was locked away, stored, specifically for the owner to retrieve at a later time. It was hers and maybe his. I knew I had no right to have any feeling on it but alas it was there.

Thankfully JM’s mother and her friend came downstairs. Then somehow I encouraged them to get all enthusiastic about finding a martial arts gym and we were all going to take a class, right now. The 5 of us all jumped into a beat-up light blue car and headed out. We drove past and around many strip malls until we found one. It looked open and clean.

Next I found myself inside one of the rooms in this gym. It was located in the basement. The whole room was painted a light teal and the room was sunken in, with polished linoleum. There were gym mats here and there. From the ceiling were hooks where Trx systems were hung. The light were dimmed and relaxing and I had the room all to myself. I was using holding the Trx rings with my hands, then trying to use my torso to bring myself into an upright inverted position, head to the ground. I tried this many times, unable to balance. But I knew this was practice and it was just part of the process.

There was a last chunk to the dream that I had all the details of at one point. But I snoozed many times today so when I tried to hold on to the memories of everything I just wrote, the last chunk disappeared.

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