A Dirty and Shameful Purge

Dreams 03.01.13
I was on a minibus on a highway. It was going to be a long drive. Suddenly my stomach was very upset…I had to go number two NOW! I jumped up from the back of the bus where I was propped myself up  with my arms on the railing over where the side entrance steps was, shimmied out of my pants and just unloaded. (Yes that IS disgusting) There was a half wall that covered the lower half of my body, hiding my grossness from everyone else on the bus. No one even seemed to pay attention anyway. Except one girl, it was actually the white chubby girl from work. She turned to me, shoved a couple of tissues in my hand and said, “You will need this.”

I couldn’t tell if she knew what I had done but she must have otherwise why would she give me tissues. Anyways I’m got over myself, smiled in appreciation and tried not to be wasteful yet thorough as I wiped myself clean.

Then I remember playing in the backyard. It was day time and the snow was halfway up my body. I was sizing up 3 gigantic tire stacked up. Each tire’s diameter would’ve been twice my height and its thickness alone was at least 4 feet. They had deep treads. Since there was lots to grip onto I figured it should be easy enough to climb. I nimbly climbed the tires, hoping to get a view of the surrounding area so I could see what else could be conquered. Before I reached the top, when my hands had just gripped the too of the last tire, I felt the whole stack slowly tilt towards me. The structure was tipping over. I panicked because and i had a image of what would happen if I fell under first. Then the tires would pile on top of me, probably knock me out, break my bones and I would lay in the snow suffocating under rubber. But there was nothing I could do. The tires would fall where they do and luckily I fell down , first under, then the top tire went behind me, the second somehow landed around me and the third fell on top of the second. I was so relieved.

Then I remember going back inside to rest and get dry. There was a gathering of friends. I wasn’t at my own house. Husband was there. We were trying to act normal. Then I heard the door open and hear husband great the guest by name loudly. He was calling out df’s nickname. I froze. Why did husband seem to be okay seeing df? How am I going to stand there in the same room as them both? I literally stood facing a wall frozen. Out of the corner of my eye, I see df pushing a big water heater in a box down the entrance hallway. He was brining a gift for our hosts.

I wanted to run but not really. Then I found myself alone in a room just crying, bawling. So sad, disappointed and upset with a fully encompassing sense of loss. I just felt empty, like I was pouring out everything inside me down the drain because none of it was worth keeping anymore.

I thought there was more to the dream but not sure anymore. What I thought was a dream this morning may have happened in real or not at all IRL or in dream. Nonetheless I can’t remember now, 12+ hours later.

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