I woke up about 2.5 hours into sleeping to let the dog out. I was dreaming something but could not remember it at all. I guess I got out of bed too quickly and thought too much about not wanting to get up. I remember the dream before my morning wake though. Not all of it but enough to write down.
I was waiting in front of these great doors that led to a big fancy ball room. I was standing in a line in a big strapless ball gown wedding dress. To my side was my husband-to-be, my first love (Now he is married to another lovely girl and I rarely see them but I rarely see anyone IRL. I really don’t have any residual feelings for him. He was my best friend growing up and then we grew apart and I thought at the time that we wanted different things.)
Anyway, we were waiting in a lineup. Before and after us were other couples in full formal wedding attire waiting to go inside the ballroom. I think there was a massive joint ceremony and banquet waiting for us inside. It was gonna be a hell of a party.
The doors opened to darkness. I could see flashing lights and beams of colored spotlights moving around. The crowd inside started to cheer. Then the amplified sound of an emcee ‘s voice came on the microphone, assumably announcing each couple walking in. I wasn’t paying attention. For some reason I felt drunk or high and euphoric.
I don’t remember the details of the walk inside. I do remember walking by blurred smiling faces in the darkness and everyone was shouting out congratulations at us and all the other couples. I felt floaty but on autopilot. I felt like I was dragging my feet as well but maybe I wasn’t because my first love seemed to have no trouble whisking me to where we needed to go at the front of the room.
Finally I remember me and my husband (still my first love but there is a time lapse and the ceremony had ended) standing beside a buffet table. There was food everywhere. In front of us was a small cake which was our wedding cake. It was a super chocolatey orangey flavoured cake. We both looked at it and then up at the crowd. They were in full party mode. Some people were still eating, others were dancing wildly. There were hires fan dancers and others prancing about in shiny Isis wings. Others still were engaged in a good fight.
I looked down at our cake wondering why it was so small but feeling drunker than ever decided this was a big portion but saved just for the two of us. I proceeded to use my left hand to scoop up a big hunk of gooey chocolate cake and spackled it in my mouth smearing chocolate icing all over my cheek. I turned to my first love and threatened playfully to smear it all over him.
He held onto me dirtying his good clothes to calm me down because I was basically drunkenly flailing my arms at him. I felt quite safe there and comforted. I was either sitting or kneeling while he stood and he held me with my head to his stomach. I squirmed around a bit but generally I was quite content where he held me. I felt lucky. Then out of the corner of my eyes I saw the colorful fan dancers entertaining guests. I got up, still acting drunk, and decided that I wanted to learn to fan dance.
Meanwhile, in my head I was having a mini fantasy that there were hidden blades in those fans and while learning to fan dance I could also learn how to flip those hidden blades right close to a man and cut his throat. My first love husband still had my hand. He wasn’t really trying to hold me back. In fact he was being pretty supportive. He was just slowing my rush over to the dancers so I didn’t stumble on my dress and hurt myself or them. Plus I knew that he understood exactly why I wanted to fan dance, he was somehow in tune with my fantasy. In a short moment of clarity I knew what a dumb drunk chick I was being but I was so thankful that he was putting up with me and taking care of me. I felt really really lucky.