It was raining and i was walking with a group of family and friends from the subway to a parking lot. We were in a new city or travelling. I guess I had scouter the way previously so I was leading the way but also doubling back on the group to see if the elders were OK., I stopped where my mom was. She asked if we were close, I said it shouldn’t be long now, in my head thinking another 5-10 minutes walk. She started fumbling around through her purse in the middle of the street for her big blingy keychain which jangled loudly with the sound of keys. I asked her why are you brining your keys out now? She responded without even a thought, because we are almost there. Then I did something I am not proud of. I scolded her and made fun of her. And what are you going to do with them from now until you get to your car? Get robbed? I walked away to the head of the column again and she looked annoyed.
Then I heard rumours being spread forward by the ladies in the group that I was so “poor” and doing so badly financially that the very sweater I was wearing actually belonged to my mother. They were saying how scandalous it was that I was borrowing and taking her hand me downs as a grown woman. For some reason that did sting a bit but I thought it was such a stupid weird bit of gossip and I clarified to the ladies behind me that the very sweater I was wearing was definitely my own.
Then I was at home getting dressed for a business meeting or conference at a hotel. I was at first staring at myself, naked in the mirror. Something looked off. I noticed that my left breast looked rounder and more swollen than normal. My left nipple was huge as if my left breast was that of a lactating mother’s. I gave both breasts a squeeze and they felt the same so I pulled on a sweater. Then I noticed it was one borrowed from my mom. It was a fine cable knit, slouchy and do not fit well. I was about to change into something else but instead I looked out the window and saw that it was pouring rain and thunder storming.
I arrived at the hotel and walked around the whole first floor to see where I should go for this conference. I knew that after the event husband was supposed to show up to pick me up. I still hadn’t found where I was going and wandered into the hotel bar. I was already considering just hiding out in there the whole day when from the entrance I saw df, his back to me facing the window, in one of those seats where the wall/window side was a long bench with multiple tables setup along it, chairs on the other side. He sat alone at a two person table. I was glad to see him but had a quick moment of do I just bolt and forget it or at least say hi and have at least a quick catchup. I ended up plopping down in front of him on the bench side. He also seemed glad but nervous to see me. I felt exactly the same. I asked him how life was and more friendly chitchat, tiptoeing around the subject of a girlfriend.
I don’t know how much time passed but I felt like I was riding on a bus, while the conversation became more relaxed with df. You know that feeling when you’re a kid, riding on the school bus after school joking around with all your friends and the whole evening was ahead of you and everything felt awesome. That’s what it felt like. Funny thing is I never took the school bus when I was a kid so I don’t know where I have this feeling from but it’s the only way to describe it.
Suddenly I noticed husband in the row just before me facing the front. Then he turned round to ask me something just as I was smacking df playfully in a friendly fashion for some crack he made. When husband saw me interacting w df, he turned around quiet, upset and angry. I was instantly scared of an outburst but whether it happened I knew it did not really matter anymore. As i sat staring at the back of his head I thought that the fear was out of habit. Nobody owned my heart or mind now, it wanders on its own. Then everything kind of sadly faded into black while I sat alone in darkness for a short period.
Then I stood on a boardwalk, built high above rough waters on a shore line. It was l-shaped. In the distance I could see the rest of it after the bend, leading to a covered area. I decided to go for a run and start off with that as my destinatiin. It was raining, I think I had raincoat. When I looked out again to the boardwalk in the distance, it was all blurry. I could just see a thick blurry line supported by think blurry lines and all around was bright grey light. I turned around and headed to the other direction, towards the path along the shore.
I was jogging on the sandy path. It was now sunny and I was surrounded by lush green rolling hills. The sea was in the distance, I knew there were beaches at the shorelines. If I continued and kept going I would end up at a beach. That sounded nice so that was my goal. Then I was going uphill. I could see the rounded peak not far along but I was having a lot of difficulty tunning up. I remember thinking to myself, “Go go! You can do this! Drive drive drive!”
I guess that meant I had the drive and I can indeed steer myself up the hill. Then it got only slightly easier and I finally struggled past the rounded peak.
When I thought I would be at the beach, I ended up going up a tower. The tower was a continuation of the path where it led to the cliff area. The stairway was pretty busy, like a fire drill where everyone had to use the stairs but no one was in a hurry. I started to get impatient but kept going up anyway. Looking out the windows of the tower I could see the beach and the sea calling to me. However as I turned in the tower going up the stairs, I saw a fenced in amusement park which looked quite empty and abandoned. Maybe not abandoned but not yet opened for the season. It looked slightly run down and the fence seemed more like a cage to me. There was a swan boat ride built under a canopy of trees which would’ve been quite nice but at the edge of the area I could see fencing poking up from the water, barring the way to the free and open sea.
At this point I decided to turn around and go back down the tower. There must be another way to the beach. Surely going up to the cliff is not the way. I shouldn’t just follow where the path took me. On the way down I walked past a blonde woman in a red sweater vest holding a newborn baby. I bumped into her and apologized. She did catch my eye though. After I apologized I tried to keep going down but there were still people in my way. She took this as an opportunity to lure me into conversation. The first thing that came out of her mouth was, “I know it’s a lot to ask but do you think me and my baby can stay with you tonight?” I looked her in the eye and guiltily decided to lie. I said, “I’m sorry but I live at home with my parents.” Then I pushed my way past her, still hindered by the mob. She looked me in the eyes, kind of hovering over me as she was on the steps above mine. Then something in my “Google Goggles” type device gave me the notification that another young blonde I knew from work did something. Somehow I associated that name with this unknown girl and was compelled to keep interacting with her because I felt sorry for her. However I knew I had to get out of there no matter what so this time I forcefully pushed my way past the people in front and made it down the tower.