A House of False Dreams

Dreams 10.06.16
I dreamt that somehow I was paying a friendly visit to my ex-roommate and ex at the house they are currently living in. I’ve never been or seen pictures of it in real life so this is all made up in my mind.

It was a nice, modest property with a bit of a lawn and I think it might have been a bungalow. I followed my ex-roomie into the house for a tour, not sure where my ex was at the start but he popped up sometime during the tour to finish it off. He showed me around the upstairs and the washrooms and everything was nice and bright, new and neat.

In the main upstairs bathroom, which looked very much like the bathroom in the house I grew up in just painted differently, there was a bulldog puppy who greeted me very affectionately. It wasn’t Hurley (our old dog who passed away a year and a half ago) but a new bulldog puppy who had similar coloring. Of course I was instantly in love. Ex watched me played with the puppy a little and then asked if I wanted something to eat or drink. I wasn’t really hungry but I might’ve said sure to accept the hospitality.

We went downstairs to the kitchen and it had a nice view of the backyard. The sun was shining down on the grass in that way that made it the most inviting green you could dream of. Ex told me he had to go do something upstairs or something. He told me to have a look at the fridge to see what I wanted. I remember there being a strange moment, I think it was before he left the room, where I congratulated him and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. He smiled at the gesture in the way I remember when we first started to be together years ago. Before he left the room, the look on his face meant, I am happy and expect you to still be here when I come back, and maybe after that and after that…

I don’t think that look really registered with me until…

The fridge, from the outside was very nice, chrome, shiny, big and clean. I opened the bottom fridge door and there was an abundance of food but it was messy and how old was everything? There were splatters of sauces on the sides, sauces of unknown sources and colors that I could not tie to any foods I saw in the fridge currently. It was here that I suddenly understood the look he gave me earlier.

I opened up one of the cupboards, which again from the outside seemed immaculate. Inside, it was a fantastic mess. In my mind, I needed to get out of there now – against my instinct to stay and help, to stay and nurture, to stay and love that puppy. This was a trick, perhaps not intentional by anyone but it was a trap.

The rest of these thoughts I’m not sure happened in the dream in darkness as I escaped that place or after I woke up.

I had some confusion of: does this mean I still want to be with my ex? The quick answer is no, not at all. I felt guilty because faintly I knew I was with my bf and it felt like I was doing something wrong. Then I knew those things I saw which seemed so perfect like a starter kit for a family life or something are just symbols of what I consider deep in my mind to be things I want to live in/around to be happy. I knew while these thoughts flowed through my mind that those were false symbols.

The dream still made me feel a little bit bad though. Somewhat unsettled is how I would describe it.

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