Nothing Left of Old Fantasies

Dreams 12.11.18

The part I do remember. I was with two, three or four other people – a small group. We were in an old abandoned building, in a specific dustry room, an area where I had been before. Specifically, I thought I was there in the dream at a much earlier time, possibly months and years. I saw beams of light in the darkness as we searched but I held no flashlights in my hands.

When I say I was there earlier, I remember feeling in the dream that I remember being “here earlier in the dream”, meaning I thought I might be dreaming then while with this group and that I thought I had dreamt about this same place earlier in the night. So I’m not really sure if I had dreamt about it earlier or not. I recall that in the dream I had memories of what the space looked like before and what I did there, much more distinct memories than what I describe below.

Anyway, what I was there to do now with the group, was to scavenge whatever was useful, valuable, or even sentimental. The other people in the group were like workers, contractors just doing a job. They were recovering old equipment and materials. I seemed to be more personally invested although as I was rummaging through the dark in the rubble, in my head I was thinking that there is nothing left here, everything is long gone, long used up, long abandoned.

I heard the others rummaging too, moving heavy things around, knocking other things over. The “boss” of the team, just a man bigger in size than everyone else but faceless because I never saw his face, moved some junk in a burnt out closet looking thing beside me. Not sure I say he was the boss I think he just exuded a quiet fearlessness. He bent over to pick up an old DeWalt-looking charger and a random loose charging cable. He dropped his hard hat in the process. He looked over the charger and cable, tossed the cable back without a glance and bent over ain to pick his hat back up, replacing it on his head.

Then he walked away and at that moment when I looked back into the “closet” I had a flashback to a memory of the gold intricately patterned (paisley?) wallpaper that used to be on the wall next to this closet, bathed in a warm light from a nearby lamp or from the room light, suggestions of other “scenes”, other times had in this space.

If I had to describe the feeling I had, it was like fondly remembering the Moulin Rouge via that Baz Lurman movie but not having any historical basis in my head at all, so I knew very well that these so-called memories were a completely constructed fantasy but the time and place were “real”.

The dream was cut short somewhere around here. We woke up to the dogs barking at the roofers’ boots pounding our ceilings this morning.


The Secret Club and Almost Lucid

Dreams 05.12.13
I got off a tour bus and met with bff, another friend of hers and the tall drink on a street corner. It was the first time I had seen either of them since my trip to London (so I guess I am in London in the dream). I was very happy and relieved to see them but I was feeling frantic and anxious. I was smiley and happy but I could feel it as the greeting came out of my mouth that it was in a less than warm manner. We were standing in a circle. I stepped back after my realization. Bff continued talking across the circle to the other friend, making plans for how we would go where we wanted to. The tall drink and my eyes met and we held each other’s gaze for a second. Then I just stepped forward and gave him tight squeeze. I said in a low voice, “I’m sorry I didn’t say hello better. I was nervous and anxious. I didn’t know what to expect and what was expected of me.” I felt the hug returned and my body heaved a sigh of relief. Then I whispered a muffled “I missed you” into his coat and I heard the sentiment returned in my left ear.

We dispersed ourselves and bff and the other friend just kind of stood there not knowing what to say. Then one of us said, “Alright let’s get on with it then!” And we headed off to our destination for the night. We arrived in front of a door where there was a short line up which moved along quickly. Bff walked on first and led us past the line. The door man nodded to us and did a quick headcount. Inside there was a stairway to the left with a very temporary paper sign that said “Restaurant”. To the right was a staircase down to the sub level with a similar sign that said “Bar”.  Actually I don’t remember if it said bar now, I’ll explain why in a bit. I tried to remember two days worth of recalls this morning.

When we got down to the sub level, there was another plain door, a spot light overhead, another doorman searching people, feeling through their pockets, etc. They did it quickly for our group, bff was still first, I just went second. At that point, we were walking along through the place pretty quickly I didn’t know if the other two in our group were still with us. Now this part is hazy. I don’t know if what we walked through was a bar or an underground casino. We weaved through different stair cases upwards to a “hidden” floor where the “hidden” bar/casino was located.  Then we climbed some odd-height stairs. At the top was one of those Japanese sliding screen doors. Bff slid it open and our group walked through and slid it closed behind. We were now in a Japanese restaurant. We walked through it to exit and as we passed by tables I could hear one of the patrons say, “I knew there was a secret bar/casino here somewhere! I could never find the hidden entrance!  But look (random female name insert here) these people just came from there!”

What happened after the secret casino/bar? I don’t know for sure.

I remember another part of that night. I went “home” to were bff and her husband lives. No one else was home yet. I suppose bff’s husband had work and bff was just out. I was going to go out as well, not sure if I had a plan where but I was looking through, gathering all my hanging laundry, trying to figure out what to wear. Then I was frantically looking for my phone everywhere and I heard bff come in through the door. She told me she was going to wrestling that night.  She saw me turning everything in the room upside down and asked what I was doing. I told her I lost my phone. Then I thinkg I woke up to real life or half woke up and was still panicking about my lost phone. That’s when I realized as I lay still on the bed half in dream, half awake…wait, if I am awake, or rather, when I wake up my phone will be right beside the bed exactly where I left it, there’s no need to panick. And I stopped worrying. I probably couldn’t gone lucid right then but instead I think I actually opened my eyes to look at the clock and woke up.

Then what happened with the phone dawned on me so I thought maybe if I closed my eyes again, I could will myself back into another portion of the dream.  Maybe go back to before we went to the restaurant/secret club and I could see the tall drink again. Instead I just fell asleep for another 45 minutes past when I should’ve woken up.  I know I dreamt some thing in that time too, which I remembered more than an hour ago.  However, since then I’ve recalled two full dreams, did some laundry, ate some breakfast and painted my nails.  Whatever happened in those 45 minutes of dreaming is long gone.

Beach House and Salt Rung Ladders

Dreams 11.23.12

Night time Dream:
My emo co-worker has finally moved to new place. He invited the whole team to a house warming but everyone declined. I was there for some reason but I was sneaking around his house invisibly like a ghost. I found out he has a fake name or maybe it’s his pen name. I was looking through his writing and documents.

I remember floating down a river in a canoe or boat. I turned to look left and saw roller coaster rails. I thought then that there was another part of the dream before this where I saw train tracks but could not remember where or how.

There was more to that dream that I cannot remember but then I woke up at 5am to drive for an hour. During the 1+ hour nap, I had the following dream.

Nap Dream:
I was walking along a beach area with my dog. My husband is also with us walking about 10 feet ahead. We see a beach house, elevated on stilts, painted white on the outside. We were curious so we decided to find the entrance.

My husband found the ladder/steps to the front door. He goes up them first. When I placed my foot on them and looked down, I noticed the ladder rungs/steps were made of large chunks of sale. That meant when the sea water touched the supporting beams and this ladder, the step would slowly erode away. I nudged it a bit with my foot before putting my weight on it. Small bits of salt fell off. I pointed this out to my husband, saying that this was dangerous. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to go up. He stands on the platform, looking down at me, one hand stretched out towards me. He wasn’t mad but he was mildly impatient. The look on his face said, “Just stop talking and come up already.” I put my weight on the ladder, the dog’s leash still wrapped around my left wrist and wondered how the dog would follow me up.

Somehow we all made it inside the house. It was dark inside with outdated but cozy looking furnishings. We found the bedroom and went to sleep.

Then I went semi lucid. I could feel the dog moving in bed or in bed in the dream, not really sure which. I also felt my husband’s sleeping body and arm beside me. When I lifted my head from my pillow, at first I saw the dream bedroom, then it faded to darkness and I felt the dog and my husband. That’s when I realized maybe I was becoming lucid so the dream bedroom came back into view.

I got up from the dream bed intending to explore the house and do more. I think I wasn’t quite able to control or figure out what I wanted to do. I was so surprised that I had become lucid. It was so unexpected that I was not prepared. Also I forgot most of what really happened in the dream.

I do remember attempting to conjure up several things or people just to see if I could, one of the people being df. I know that for sure, the rest I do not remember. But the conjuring wasn’t working very well. I remember near the end of the dream that I went back to “sleep” on a couch but husband was sleeping on. He told me, lazily and sleepily, waving one arm at me to join him. I didn’t really want to cram into the couch and be crowded but I was so exhausted I did it anyway.

Dark Mirrors and Vomit in the Corner

Today’s recall is pretty bad. My dog must have some kind of bug so she woke me up three times between 1 to 7am to go do her business. I may need to take her to the vet tomorrow…

Dreams 08.28.12
This one, I remembering wandering around in a dark house. There really isn’t much detail. I think I was aware that other people should be in this house as well but I did not see them. I remember walking up to a mirror, seeing my own image but something in me automatically said out loud, “You are dreaming, you are dreaming, do a reality check!” I can’t remember what reality check I actually did, usually I look at my hands. So for a very short period I was lucid, semi in control of this dream. It wasn’t even like last time where there were things happening, changing, shifting constantly. It wasn’t like grasping a handful of sand at all.

This time was more like being teleported into a solid rock where you are fully aware of being there yet nothing is happening and probably nothing else is going to happen. I was in a dark grey room, in front of a mirror. That was all. I was once again unprepared to do what I want to achieve with lucid dreaming. I totally forgot my objective, just kind of blanked out. So then I tried to summon a familiar, safe thing (ie. df) but it’s been so long, guess he isn’t so familiar anymore. The thought was so intangible, absolutely nothing happened. Then I don’t know what came next and I woke up for the first time in the night.

In the second dream, I kind of had a false awakening except I was obviously not in my room at my mom’s house, not in the basement. It was brighter. I looked down to the left side of the bed, in the corner. I could see one of the dog’s rope toys and bits of doggy vomit. Then I vaguely recall the whiney guy from work cursing about the vomit…and in the dream I was just about to get up to clean it up. Then woke up to the dog’s whining in real life and let her outside again. Also somewhere in this dream, I saw a blue, rubbery hollowed out cube with shapes cut out on the sides. It was either a dog’s or kid’s toy.

After that there was only an hour and a half left before I was supposed to get up for work. I thought maybe I could try to chain myself back into that first dream with the dark room, since for some reason, it was somewhat fresh in my mind. But it didn’t really work and I don’t think I dreamed at all this third cycle because the dog woke me half an hour before alarm time.

Dip in a Dark Pool

Dreams 08.11.12
Last night I slept on the couch but had a really hard time sleeping. I twisted and turned for many hours. By the time I drifted off to sleep it was about 4 something in the morning. I dreamt that I was in a very small pool/large hot tub with my sister. We were splashing each other making jokes. The pool room was dark with a faint diffuse light that seemed to only touch the pool area. I couldn’t really tell if the surrounding walls were really dark grey just a few feet back from the pool’s edge or it was actually just darkness.

My sister was at the end of the pool and I was in the middle looking at her. On the left side of the pool out of the corner of my eye, I saw a skinny brown dude just wading. He looked kind of nerdy and had his glasses on. He was fumbling to take it off and set it aside. I leaned back, floated on my back for a bit then let myself sink and be submerged in the water. I think I stayed under a little longer, seeing if I would drown. I stared up at the ceiling through the water, vision completely blurred. That’s when I told myself “You are dreaming. You are dreaming. You are dreaming. Control yourself.” But I didn’t really have a goal of what should happen.

Then I heard footsteps, someone coming into the kitchen (right beside the living room where I was sleeping). I don’t think my eyes were actually open. I thought and was afraid that husband had come downstairs. I did not want him to see me and be annoyed that I was sleeping soundly but I just didn’t want to deal with him. Then I thought I saw my dog (with my eyes still closed) climb up the couch to the blankets by my knees. But I didn’t feel any weight. Then I think I woke up and wasn’t sure if anyone or the dog actually came downstairs or not. I think at some point I checked the time. After a little while, I did eventually drift back to sleep.

So for a few seconds at least, I knew I was dreaming so guess that counts as being lucid.

Riding on the Dummy Train

WILD attempt 04.08.12 – Fail

The attempt failed and I woke up at about 9:45am. It’s to difficult with the dog sleeping beside me, breathing on me, licking me. I think I did start having a waking dream where I was experiencing something, voices perhaps (can’t remember what happened) while I could still feel her breathing but then one sleepy kick from her and it woke me right up.

Dream (sleep in) – 04.08.12

I went back to sleep after. Shouldn’t have because I wasted more time. But then all I would be doing is cleaning the house, eating, making food. I guess that should be worthwhile.

I was in the R University campus after a tour with a group of students. AlbinoD from highschool was amongst the group. She didn’t look like herself but it was her. She was carrying some kind of folding massage table, oddly shaped but without the padding. I tried to help her carry one end because she seemed to have trouble with it but she insisted on doing it herself.

We finally got onto a subway train and she found a seat at the back. We chatted and she showed me a map of her classes and her schedule. In my head I was wondering the same thing. Which classes did I sign up for? Where were my classes on campus in relation to each other? When would I have time to figure it out?

The train exited the tunnel and we went above ground. Except now I felt like the train was not fully covered. It was like one of those zoo or amusement park trains that you take with the kids when they grow tired and fussy to shut them up. The train was passing through the city, which looked every bit futuristic, everything looked grey. Then suddenly I realized my entire vision was grey all except one small rectangular patch directly in the middle of my field of view. This alone was in vibrant colors. I started to freak out a little but the train went back into a tunnel and everything went dark.

Then I was sitting on a couch with husband at home. Roommate was also there chilling with us and the TV was on. It didn’t look like our real living room. Husband asked what I wanted to do the next day and I suggested we go downtown to the campus area to hang out, make a day of it and I would get to know where my classes would be. He just said, “Naaah.”

I was very disappointed. Then I think I tried to seduce him to change his mind but it didn’t really go anywhere.

Dreams 03.10.12 – W.I.L.D. part 2

I was so encouraged by the false awakening, the fact that the WILD technique actually worked, that I was determined to try again.  Forget leaving the house to go out and about!

I went back to try the WILD techniques again. It was much harder this time because I was excited and overly eager (if that is possible than before).

I ended up “waking” up in a bedroom, obviously not like the one in the real world. It was a queen bed, lots of blankets, kind of reminded me of the old bed in the master bedroom in the house I grew up.  Except this house was bigger.  The dog was sleeping with me here too and she jumped off the bed.  I thought she was disturbing me from focusing on lucidity.  At this point, I’m not really sure if I am awake or asleep. I did the hands reality check and my hands looked funny like they were blending into each other but I still wasn’t sure so I opened the door to let the dog out so I could be in peace.  I went back into bed and she had come running back somehow.  Turns out the room had 2 doors to 2 separate hallways.  I let her out again and closed both doors.

I went back to the bed to try again in this part of the “dream” and woke up in a completely different bed.  This time it was a dirty looking room, dark paint on the walls, chipped, creaky bed, etc. I roll out of it and there is another empty bed in there.  I check my hands again and once more they were blendy and penguin like.  I was becoming sure now that this was a dream.  There were footsteps coming down the hallway.  Someone “kicks” open the doors and 3 unsavoury looking men come in.  I can’t really remember what happened but they didn’t seem to want to do harm to me.  Again, in my always sexually charged mind, I think they just wanted to do something with me.  I didn’t think I was in the mood.  I just know in the end I had tied one of them down, shirtless, by the wrists and ankles.  The one that had punky stylings, a tattoo of some words across his chest.  He was strapped down to the bed by some belts or something.  I went up to him before leaving the room and told him I think I met him before, either he went home with my bestie ages ago at a club or at least made out with her.  Well, I couldn’t really remember.  The tall, burly and big guy was just observing in the corner of the room.  I just left the room.

I looked at my hands again I think, because I knew I was losing control of the dream so I really tried.  I tried to visualize a place, mould my dreamscape.  Ended up on the side of a road, kind of barren hill on one side, which had an opening to a big park or yard.  Again I checked my hands and confirmed another time they were being weird.  I think this time I really got confirmation that I knew I was dream.  I recall actually jumping up and down in my dream.  I also think I felt my real body inside my bed at that point responding to me jumping.  Fearing that I would wakeup, I calmed down a bit and walked towards the park.  There I saw these dog-like creatures doing tricks, walking backwards balancing on balls.  Their owners were cheering them on.  When I got closer they didn’t really seem to be dogs at all but they looked like fat shih tzus with puggy noses.

After that I was losing focus again and almost waking up.  The images and sounds were fading in and out.  I really wanted to stay in a lucid state inside the dream world longer.

I tried desperately to think about something that would keep me in the dream so I thought about my dear friend, the good feelings I have with him, the warmth, the mutual respect, connection, etc.  Just wishing I could see his face, feel his arms around me and just be able to stare into his eyes but everything kept slipping away.  I think something else had happened in the dream too but again in a way that wasn’t as vivid as people say lucid dreams are.  Everything was really slippery, control or memory wise.

Anyways, I guess I am happy because of the progress.  Surprised that it is not as vivid as described.  Maybe I don’t know what’s real or never thought “realness” meant anything in the real world because sometimes it feels as fleeting and dreamlike.  I need to either retain more control or at least remember to meet myself, or a guide in the dream.

More practice should do.  I’m not discouraged.

Dreams 03.10.12 – W.I.L.D. part 1

I did not have any dreams the night of 03.09.12 but I did wake up this morning at about 7:30.

The plan was to head out to BPS to get something on sale for the husband and then swing by Ikea.  By 8:30 after he had gone to work, I thought to myself let’s try to do some Wake Initiated Lucid Dreaming techniques until 9:30, for practice and to see what comes of it.  I knew this would probably be pretty difficult, especially since I sleep with our bulldog who snores very loudly.

Anyway, I lay there and tried to ignore the dog’s breathing, kept as still as possible.  Told my inner voice to stop talking everytime it tried to start, disregard the feeling of the blanket, any itches I may have, just be still and keep my mind’s eye open and stare at the back of my eyelids without trying to use my actual eyes.  Some time had passed and my body was starting to feel numb.  I felt like I could still feel my body but there was no “danger” of me wanting to move it to disrupt the process but I still felt like if I tried just hard enough I would wake up instantly.  Then I started to see shapes and colors swirl behind my eyes.  Started off like s radar flashing then to some random things.  Then I thought it started to fade and slow down because I was trying to “see” too hard. So I tried to “step back” and not try so hard and at that the shapes and colors would move a little more again.  I never heard any weird sounds, although I think the sound of the dog was not as pronounced.  There was a time when I felt like my head and face was vibrating a bit.  Not at all as intense as some online accounts say they are.

Shortly after that, I had a false awakening experience.  I’m not sure exactly how I got from lying in bed to being up and OUT of bed.  I think I “woke up” in the dream thinking I was failing at this process and that I should just give up and try for another day. I turned towards my bedside table to try and find the clock or my phone but there was this cage-like decoration thing in the way (this is not something I own in real life) but in the dream it made perfect sense.  So I tried to reach around it to grab my phone, except I just knocked this cage-screen-decoration thing over, along with my phone and charger.  I remember thinking in the dream “fuck me I am clumsy” while staring at the bedside table.  Then my attention turned towards the lump of blankets on the bed.  I decided to do a reality check which in hindsight wasn’t really one.  My brain must’ve just confused the info I read about OBEs.  My reality check basically consisted of me poking the blanket where my body SHOULD be if I was still sleeping in it.  In the dream, I thought if I could feel my body through the blankets then that meant it wasn’t real and that I was dreaming.  But if I do not find my own body then yes I had awoken in the real world.

Of course this is specious reasoning.  If I was dreaming or OB, I shouldn’t be able to “feel” my physical body with my dream or astral body at all.  Anyways, I remember being pretty scared as I stepped forward to feel the blanket.  Then I psyched myself out thinking I felt a solid lump and I completely freaked out because that meant I was OB and I wasn’t really prepared for that.  So I let out a screech but it turned out the lump was the dog and she crawled to the edge of the bed and lifted the blanket with her head.  I was super relieved to see her and that’s when I thought okay, so I really did wake up – not dreaming.  Then my phone rang in the real world and I opened my eyes to find myself lying in the blankets, staring at the ceiling.  I rolled to pick up the call and my husband had dialled me by mistake.  It was 9:37AM.

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