Nothing Left of Old Fantasies

Dreams 12.11.18

The part I do remember. I was with two, three or four other people – a small group. We were in an old abandoned building, in a specific dustry room, an area where I had been before. Specifically, I thought I was there in the dream at a much earlier time, possibly months and years. I saw beams of light in the darkness as we searched but I held no flashlights in my hands.

When I say I was there earlier, I remember feeling in the dream that I remember being “here earlier in the dream”, meaning I thought I might be dreaming then while with this group and that I thought I had dreamt about this same place earlier in the night. So I’m not really sure if I had dreamt about it earlier or not. I recall that in the dream I had memories of what the space looked like before and what I did there, much more distinct memories than what I describe below.

Anyway, what I was there to do now with the group, was to scavenge whatever was useful, valuable, or even sentimental. The other people in the group were like workers, contractors just doing a job. They were recovering old equipment and materials. I seemed to be more personally invested although as I was rummaging through the dark in the rubble, in my head I was thinking that there is nothing left here, everything is long gone, long used up, long abandoned.

I heard the others rummaging too, moving heavy things around, knocking other things over. The “boss” of the team, just a man bigger in size than everyone else but faceless because I never saw his face, moved some junk in a burnt out closet looking thing beside me. Not sure I say he was the boss I think he just exuded a quiet fearlessness. He bent over to pick up an old DeWalt-looking charger and a random loose charging cable. He dropped his hard hat in the process. He looked over the charger and cable, tossed the cable back without a glance and bent over ain to pick his hat back up, replacing it on his head.

Then he walked away and at that moment when I looked back into the “closet” I had a flashback to a memory of the gold intricately patterned (paisley?) wallpaper that used to be on the wall next to this closet, bathed in a warm light from a nearby lamp or from the room light, suggestions of other “scenes”, other times had in this space.

If I had to describe the feeling I had, it was like fondly remembering the Moulin Rouge via that Baz Lurman movie but not having any historical basis in my head at all, so I knew very well that these so-called memories were a completely constructed fantasy but the time and place were “real”.

The dream was cut short somewhere around here. We woke up to the dogs barking at the roofers’ boots pounding our ceilings this morning.


Shooting ‘Round the Neighbourhood

Dreams 10.18.12
It was fall time. I am running through a neighbourhood to a house that felt like it should be home. The streets had lots of trees, leaves rustling. I stop at the corner of a group of town-houses (a shortcut to get there faster) and I pause, catching my breath.

Then it’s early winter. I am going through the same neighbourhood again in a vehicle, looking out the window. I am in the passenger seat, not driving (not sure who was). I watch as another little asian woman, stockier than me running through the same route as I did before. I am her and me at the same time. Again, I get close to the house but stop at the corner, catching my breath, not reaching my destination. In the vehicle I think to myself that the house is close to the subway in distance but not enough. It would seem very far in the midst of winter and that walk would be a drag.

Now it’s midday, maybe spring. The leaves are greener on the trees. I am going to a house in a silver SUV. My mother drove. We park on the street corner about 2 houses down from our destination. We see a car go behind us and pull into the driveway of the house next to ours. We waited and watched before walking towards or house because I did not want the neighbour to see us. As we stood waiting I had a flash of memory that we had done “this” before. “This” being that we’ve shot a scene of the indie movie on our front lawn. I saw myself in the scene (may have been a commercial) dresses in black gothy clothes with medium length blue dyed hair, pale-ish make-up on.

Then we walk towards the house and my mother actually approached the neighbour still in his car and asked if he wanted to help during our shoot. I was annoyed but didn’t say anything.

Then we were inside the house that would be the location for the shoot. We were just using a very simple camera. I setup the shot, camera position, which would be static. I would be in the scene and all my mom had to do was press record. I was pacing back and forth as she ran off to another room with the old dude (the neighbour) to look for an unnecessary prop – a little spoon spatula thing. You know sometimes when you are at a beauty counter and the person scoops out a little sample of cream out for you into a little sample tub? That thing. I went to the door of the room where she and the old dude were. They were kneeling on the floor, backs toward the doors, looking through the piles of paper and whatever other shit accumulated in that room, for a tiny little spatula.

I wanted to tell them to just forget about it but she WAS being super supportive of helping me shoot this useless video for whatever purpose. So I went back into the next room and called my sister. We talked on the phone for a little while. I think I was opening mail which may not have been hers and telling her what the contents were. I also told her mom was looking for a tiny spoon.

Then the doorbell rang and I opened the doors to the kitchen into the hallway. I was in the house that I grew up in. My current dog trotted towards the door and paused to look back at me. I saw the old dude approach the door from the left hallway to open the left door while my mom opened the right. Even though my dog wasn’t trying to dash out, my instant reaction was fear. Fear that she would dash out of the house like my dog used to do, the one I had growing up.

It was bright outside. I could see the light spill in through the open doors. Someone was coming up the walkway towards the storm door but it was so bright and I was only halfway down the hallways that I could not make out who it was.

Industrial Garden Party

I’ve already forgotten most of last night’s dream. My mind is totally preoccupied as there have been some serious trouble in the real world that sprung up in the past couple of days. It will likely last for some time as well. So I am gonna bet that my recall for the next while will be very spotty and possibly get a little weird, if weirder was possible.

Dreams 09.30.12
I was at a semi formal “garden” party. In the background was an overpass, a bridge. There were orange bricked industrial buildings and a train track too. The sky was a clear light blue and judging by the color of sunlight cast upon the buildings, it was sunset time and we were facing east. The table and chair coverings were all white. As far as I could tell there were only a maximum of 5 tables.

I didn’t know the people at my table but in the dream they were acquaintances and friends. A few of us were huddled around another girl playing with a phone or tablet, I think. And I think another guy was practicing some sort of slight of hand trick with the lilac colored napkins. Pretty sure someone laid a hand on my shoulder from behind me. Then he came around beside me and made a comment about what I was doing. I cannot remember what he said at all.

A Nap of Multiple Dreams

I’ve had a headache since I woke up today so instead of going to my sister’s and infecting her baby with whatever ails me, I popped a couple gel caps painkiller and had a little nappy time. Woke up a few times but I had dreams each time. This is parts of the 3 of 5 that I can remember. I’m noticing lately that I can remember most of a dream right up until the point when I am about to write it down.

Dreams 09.12.12
The first dream’s memory is hazy now that I try to record it. I know that most of it happened on a brightly lit subway/train platform that was quite futuristic looking. At the end of the dream, I chase an unknown man all dressed in white in a big white overcoat. I am about 500 feet behind him, his overcoat is just flying as he runs. The last I see of him, he dashed into a subway just when the doors are closing. The doors have a open window so just as the train pulls away, I manage to throw something through the window at him.

The second dream happens during a party that my mother is hosting but it’s not at her house. It is in some bar/clubhouse type of place. There was a narrow curvy, windy hallway. All the party rooms were to either side, separated from the hallway by floor to ceiling frosted glass, so as you walk down this hallway, you can see the rooms inside are brightly lit, sometimes you can see moving shadows from the people inside. The entire floor, so all the rooms were filled with guests that I knew, of family friends, etc. I knew all of them but i wasn’t really in a partying mood so I just stayed in the hallway.

There was a long table on one side of the already narrow hallway. A part of it had food and drinks and another part had a display of the various hand fans from my mom’s collection. She doesn’t actually have a serious fan collection in real life. I mean she does, kind of, I sort of started it by buying her a special one online. Then she bought a few other fashion accessory or costume ones. Anyway, side note, having a real hand fan collection of old, hand crafted or commemorative hand fans is something I’d like to have. So there were a few pieces on the table that were nice. She laid then out to show off her collection but I started to play with them and be all interactive with them. My whole god family, kids and all were in a took nearby. My godfather came out with a couple of his grandkids, the little girls. The girls were fascinated by the fans I was playing with, so I proceeded to show them the three really special ones.

One fan had thin pieces of pink quartz attached to the end of each fan blade. It was very light and somehow not easy to break. When you fan yourself with the quartz made a nice tinkling sound. I carefully laid that back on the table and moved on to the next. The next one was made of a shiny foily type of metal. I think along the fan structure, there were little clear crystals inlaid in straight lines. I picked up the third fan off the table to show the kids and now I can’t remember what this one looked like. I knew I chatted with my godfather a bit, not really sure about what. It probably had to do with fans and kids.

The third dream, I was living while traveling, in an all womens dormitory that was built inside a megamall. To access the dorm, you have to go through a door past where the washrooms are. The door comes out to a long hallway that leads outside but on one side there is a fountain area. On the other side is a wheelchair ramp. On one side of the wheelchair ramp, there was a hidden few steps and a doorway. Through there was the dormitory.

The dorm housed travelers, workers at the mall, students, etc. I was there with my mother, traveling but I was not with her all the time. Actually, I was trying not to be with her all the time. I talked to one of the tenants who was also kind of a caretaker there. She took me outside and showed me the fountain across the hallway. Homeless people had started to make their beds around it.

Now that I was up close to it, it became apparent that the space was designed with protruding platforms which looked like benches at first, but actually worked as individual bed pods with shelter from sun and rain. It was built to be a temporary sleeping place for 8 people comfortably. There was water, a little bit of light, some greenery, etc. I was really impressed that the architects had thought to design this space, implement it and no one opposed it. It made me feel good about the world to know that if I ever became homeless, other was some place I could go at the end of the day.

Anyway I went out for the day. When I returned it was night time. The hallway that led to the dormitory was no longer lit with light. I started to wonder is my mother had returned from her day’s travel. She would not feel comfortable coming back to the dormitory in the dark. I felt my way around the dark hallway until I found the wheelchair ramp and eventually the door. I pushed open the door and the light from inside spilled into the hallway. I ask around to see if anyone has seen my mother, I’m not sure what their responses were.

Rooftop Waterpark Paradise

This dream occurred between 7am to 9:30 am. I have no idea if I dreamt anything during the long sleep.

Dreams 09.06.12
I was heading up to the top floor of a skyscraper, an office building in HK. I’m not sure what I was looking for but when the elevator doors opened, all I could see was dark brown and black granite surfaces everywhere. The ceiling was crazy high. As I walked, the floor led to an open air balcony-like area. I could see the city down below and I could tell that the building I was in was very tall.

In this area, there was a shallow pool that seemed to drop off at the end, overlooking the city. When I turned around, I saw that this pool extended like a river around other structures on the roof floor. There were many people all in swimming attire, kids, adults, some were on floatation rings. People were laughing and screaming. That’s when I realized I was at a water park.

I don’t think I had a particular goal in my dream but I did know of a specific direction I should head towards. It involved jumping off a ledge where the river ended in a waterfall. Everyone else was doing it and having a grand old time but I was worried about cracking my head open on the granite either on the side of the waterfall or at the bottom. I looked over and watched people and children through themselves over, squealing with joy as they free-fell and splashed own at the bottom. No one else was getting hurt but the water in h bottom pool looked pretty shallow. I stood at the edge of he river, nervous, trying to figure out if I should jump.

A handsome topless man holding a big yellow floatation ring approached me and said hello. He could see why I was hesitating and tried to convince me it was really fun and nothing to worry about. He said I could sit on his floatation ring with him when he went down. I still hesitated.

Next, I was going over the waterfall in slow motion. The man and his yellow ring was a couple feet under me. We were both hearing towards the left granite wall. I reached out with my arms to hang on and the man turned his body in mid air to do the same. We caught the ledge and hung there together for a few seconds. Then we looked at each other and let go at the same time. The rest of the fall made me feel incredibly free. After that I think I spent the rest of the day playing in the waterpark and it was the greatest fun that I’ve had in the longest time.

Lawn Party and Overstaying My Welcome

Lot of bits and pieces again. I can’t remember if this one was the day before my flight or the first one of the flight. Nevertheless, here are the various scenes I can recall.

Dreams 08.31.12
I was sitting on an old couch in front of an open garage or storage unit’s sliding door, on the lawn. It was being thrown out. Around me a small hippy lawn party of about 10 to 12 people were happening. Everyone was giggling, laying, toppling covers the arms of the couch, just hanging out. I wasn’t really engaged in any one conversation. I was just enjoying the company taking it in.

Another scene: I sat in a white room, on a stool. Behind my head was a long rectangular opening in the wall, sunlight shone through brightly, casting a rectangle of light on the opposite wall. Underneath the light rectangle, sitting across from me in a lower stool was a man. We seemed to be locked up together in this room. I was upset with him, i felt betrayed and I questioned him, “Why did you do it?  Why did you rat them out?!”

He looked up at me, chin up, eyes narrowed, defiant and indignant all at once. Either he said it out loud or his expression said, “What would you have done?” I did not answer. In my head I just tried to puzzle out what went on in this man’s head.

Another scene: I was in an apartment with worn, hardwood floors, a long hallway that led to many rooms. I was visiting someone but also seemed to have spent a lot of time there as if I had lived there at one point. I was in a larger room which was mostly empty. There was a box and a few items on the table so I proceeded to pack the things away.

Some time may have passed and I was in this same space. It seemed to be a girl’s dormitory at a school. It was empty in the summer and school was almost starting again. I was squatting, staying without paying rent in secret. There was a knock on the door. I didn’t answer at first. Then whoever was outside yelled out, saying they knew someone was inside. I unlocked the door, opened it a crack and backed away a few steps.

A tall man entered the room. He had an air of authority about him but he was not menacing. He was just a man doing his job. When he saw me, he seemed to know what I had been up to, sympathetic but he waited without asking to hear my story.

I politely led him to the bigger room of the apartment. I do not remember the details now but I think I either spilled some ink or some water started to leak and pour from the ceiling. Basically something was spilled and made a wet mess.

That’s all I can remember now.

Tickets, Fire, Impressions

Today’s recall has seemingly unrelated bits…

Dreams 08.07.12
I was in a line up to buy some event tickets with husband, my friend SB and his old gf/baby mama. We are having a conversation and husband is only marginally participating. We were talking about somebody in particular and husband chimed in and said she’s part black. We moved forward the zig-zaggy line and I said uh, no I don’t think so. Then SB and LL caught up and said the same thing to him to see if he was really serious. Husband just didn’t respond and moved up to the ticket counter.

Another part of dream: I was in a house with some people. Memory is fuzzy here…but we hear from someone that the house is on fire somewhere upstairs. We don’t seem too concerned and make our way out of the house very slowly.

I am sitting in a kitchen making a great impression on my boyfriend’s (in dream) family. His lovely Christian family was welcoming me with open arms and eating up every story I tell them. We’re all having a good laugh. Some of my boyfriend’s buddies are there too. Then somehow his mom started talking about Twitter and about whether I used it. I must have lots of little random opinions or thoughts that I feel the need to shout out. Since they’ve been so open with me, my first instinct was to not lie but I was reluctant because I talk a lot of shit, swear and say many inappropriate things on Twitter. But since I hesitated, everyone in the room knew I did use it and only trying to hide my name. Then everyone in the room began to goad me into telling them my Twitter name. I don’t recall saying it but they got it and started looking at my page on a phone. My boyfriend’s buddies looked closely at the name and were like, “No way! That’s your name? Shiiit!” I couldn’t tell if his mother disapproved. She was just reading my tweets intently. I was embarrassed and worried but I guess the cat’s out of the bag. I am what I am, ridiculous & uncouth. It makes for some good entertainment at least some of the time.

There was another bit of last night’s dreams that I forgot. Oh well…

A Concert Mission

I did NOT become lucid or aware or even remember anything during the long sleep last night. But my morning 8-9:30am nap resulted in a successful dream-chaining and a very detailed account. I guess that’s something to be happy about.

I downloaded Sleep Cycle for my iPod Touch. My friend told me it wouldn’t work because I sleep on a memory foam bed with the dog and another person but it seemed to register things well and I’d say fairly accurately from last night. Maybe I can work out my REM cycles and setup some timed audio cues while I sleep in the future.

Dreams 07.06.12
I am inside a large resort (kind of like a ski lodge) with some friends, not very close. They were all sitting in the cafeteria area having a laugh. I felt isolated as I walked past them and nobody noticed but in truth I was withdrawing anyway.

I carried a bag of clothes and other personal items down the stairs and went inside a long room with high ceilings. It was a big room where all the walls were covered with those small pay lockers you get at the pool. I shoved my things into one without paying and went outside.

The outside of the resort was a large concrete yard with a sloped-up grass lawn at the edge. At the top of the slope were mesh fences. If you looked at this “resort” from an aerial view it would probably look more like a compound or a prison. I went up to the fence and started throwing things onto it. It felt like I was doing some kind of work. For whom? I don’t know.

On the other side of the fence, a huge concert event was happening and Halestorm was playing one of their awesome songs. I started belting it out along with the music. Then I noticed someone else close by was doing it too. I looked down the slope to my right and saw another girl sitting on the lawn belting it out. She was just lying their on a towel. There was a guy next to her sleeping with something over his face.

She was younger than me, maybe in her late teens or early twenties. I would say that I feel like if my teen years had been slightly different, she’s who I would’ve been in that age. In reality I became more like that in my mid twenties after university – individual and free-spirited. She looked up at me in acknowledgment. I turned back towards the fence to do my “work”, still singing loudly, now in unison with the girl. I observed the tents and field where the concert was happening wishing I was there. Then the girl asked me, “So are we gonna go or what?”

I stopped working, turned around and started walking back towards the building and without looking at her, said, “Hells yes!” I knew she got up at that point to follow me. Then I said, “If you don’t mind I’m just gonna find the locker I didn’t pay for and put my tools in there so we could go. I don’t want to be carrying this stuff with me.” I’m not sure if she voiced this next concern out loud but there was a concensus and worry that since I hadn’t paid for the locker, the establishmebt may confiscate my belongings.

We went back into the long room which now had different areas, shelves, racks full of books, videotapes and records. I was walking and searching fast, literally jumping from shelf to shelf looking for a large tan leather bag. I knew I would recognize it from far away but after much hopping around like a ninja on the shelves, we found nothing. I wasn’t panicking or anything. The reality that my stuff is now gone didn’t really phase me. I knew that it was probably safe with the authorities. All I would have to do is go to them to ask for it and likely pay a large fine. I was prepared to do so. For a moment a visual montage of locker doors and the coin inserting mechanism of the lockers flashed before my eyes. I realized then that THAT was how I could’ve paid for the lockers. I didn’t realize it then, when I first put my things in.

I actually woke up from the dream at this point and took a few moments to remember. Then quickly drifted back in and chained the dream. No lucidity though, just continued with the flow.

I felt slightly stupid. The coin inserting mechanism obviously said how much they cost: “$4 for 2hr”. Relatively cheap compared to the fine which I was expecting to be $800. I figured I would tell the authorities the truth, that I figured there was a price but it wasn’t clear to me at the time where the coin mechanism was when I went up to a locker so I just used it and walked away. I can only hope the fine isn’t too big.

I said to the girl, “Let’s just go and we’ll come back for my stuff later.” She said, “If that’s what you want.”

We arrived at the concert ground, just outside the entrance. There were lots of people milling about and you can see just past the entrance to the tent that it was packed inside. Outside, amongst the people there was a gap, in the middle the members of Halestorm were chilling out, taking a break. The girl exclaimed, “Ooh! There’s” She said a name of one of the male bandmembers. I don’t even know if it was true. I considered asking her if she wanted to run up to the band and just scream like prepubescent girls but decided against it. It would be silly fun but I wasn’t really up for it.

We got past the entrance. The bouncer stopped us for a few seconds and waved a couple of other people in. Then he waved us in. When we got in, we followed some others which took us upstairs, across a bridge, etc. The building had a lot of rooms and hallways divided by aluminum frames with glass windows. A lot of the frames also had no glass. With each turn I felt like we were getting further from the concert, our destination. I knew we were getting lost.

Finally the hallway ended and we arrived at the edge of the building. The whole wall had been blasted through. It looked over a beautiful otherworldly scene. It was as if the building sat on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a bay below with blueish-purple water. I had a quick telescopic view of the ultra blue waves in the bay crashing against the shores. The mountainside in the distance looked normal, black and brown but before us and on the slopes down in front of us, it was just mounds of course white something shimmering in the light. The sun was setting in deep shades of oranges, reds and pinks. It was alien and beautiful.

I knelt down in front of the white mounds in front of us and dug my arms into the white stuff, elbows deep. It was coarse white salt. I looked at the girl who had dug her arms in too. We were both excited and ecstatic, in awe of the landscape before us. After some moments, we came to our senses and decided to find our way back to the concert again. We turned back the way we came and there was a man, a janitor, custodian type draggin something heavy behind him. It was partly invisible, the part that actually touched the ground. When we passed him I got a better look. It was a gental L-shaped glass thing, rimmed on one side by brushed aluminum. The glass must’ve been 2 inches thick but clearer than any glass could be. I can’t imagine what it was for but it was heavy.

Then we were back downstairs, in the tent where the concert was. The band was back on stage playing and it was dark with flashing lights. I lead the way, weaving through the crowds looking for openings and opportunites to get closer. I’d look behind me every so often to check on the girl, if she was keeping up. Then I found a spot to settle in about 40 feet from the stage. It looked like a good spot to enjoy the rest of the concert. I reached my right arm back to find the girl’s hand, to pull her in behind me.

Instead, when I pulled and looked back, it was a man. Nobody I knew but in the dream I was receptive. He was slightly taller than me, well built, head shaved close. He felt like he was a boyfriend in the dream, not someone I’m totally in love with but just enjoying each other, revelling still in the beginnings of connection. He came up close behind me and we just swayed and enjoyed the concert with our bodies close, warm. It felt really good.

Sunset Meeting at Dogdoo Park

Dreams 06.11.12
I took the dog to visit someone. The meeting place was at the end of a large grassy field. He was standing by a lone white mesh fence, the kind sometimes used for baseball diamonds. He was an older gentleman, white haired, wearing a a light grey or white golf-rain-sweater thing. He basically looked like a model in an old age luxury retirement home brochure. He was a researcher and supposedly doing research about dogs.

It was almost sunset. The sun was low on the horizon. It backlit the researcher’s grey hair and make the green grass yellow and translucent. As I approached, my dog started to pull towards the stranger in excitement. From far away I thought he seemed a warm person but up close, he was actually kind of cool.

We started to walk back towards the field as he asked me a few questions. The first was what is the heritage of my dogs. I realized then that I was not at all prepared. I showed up without knowing what was expected of me and was now fumbling for a complete answer. At first I said her parents were a bulldog and a victorian bulldog. To which he said, so she’s purebred. Then I stuttered and blurted out that maybe she had something else. Anyways, he didn’t seem too interested in my responses after that. He asked me a couple more questions.

Before I even answered the third, one of his colleagues called from behind and ran up beside him. Then they just went off and kept talking. No goodbye, no thank you. I felt like I came out all the way to meet him for no reason. The questions he asked didn’t even seem important. I felt ignored, belittled and put aside.

Then the dog somehow got off the leash and ran even further into the field where there was now a soccer game going on. I ran after her. She stopped in front of a pile of bags and clothes sitting on the grass sniffing them. Then from about 20 feet away, I see that she squats and starts taking a massive shit right beside the bags. I was embarrassed because the teens who were playing soccer noticed this. Some of them stopped the game to come look at my dog abd watched her take multiple shits around. I looked around quickly, how was I going to pick this up. Then I remembered that her leash had a little poop bag holder and the leash was back the other way for some reason, so I went to get it.

When I was back at the pile of clothes, and shit with 2 poop bags. A group of 5-6 teens had gathered and the piles of poo that awaited me were miniature mountains. The teens said, “Whoa, you better find a way to pick that up!” There were 4 piles, each at least a third of the size of my dog. I stood dumbfounded wondering how this little animal iterally shat more than her own weight. I started contemplating how I could get this mushy mess into the poop bags, contain it and not get shit on myself.

There was another significant portion of the dream. I am sure important events occurred in it but I cannot remember any of it.

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