Still fuzzy…

Recall is definitely still fuzzy but I am remembering more feelings and shapes without specific effort. Maybe the trick is not to force the memories and they will come on their own.

Dreams 04.21.17
There was something that I did, something that felt like some kind of ritual, which I didn’t think worked in the dream at first. I remember rushing into a little sunken corner used bookstore of some sort. Maybe I was running away from something or just dodging. It didn’t feel like there was imminent danger.

The bookstore itself was extremely messy. There were a few bookshelves against the walls full of books but they were inaccessible because there were stacks and stacks of books just pulled up at different heights, not neatly, just all at different angles on the floor. I think the carpet was a gross dingy dark red, ripped at places, just really worn like it hasn’t been cleaned in thirty years. I can’t remember if there was someone in the store or not. I don’t think I was looking in particular but I expected a shop keeper I suppose. There might’ve been a backroom that I discovered which I may or may not have gone through. It was also around this backroom door that I got the feeling that whatever ritual I had performed earlier on the dream may actually have worked. Something, a being or an energy, maybe just a feeling, had been summoned and it was “coming for me”.

Then I remember walking with a couple friends (no faces that I can recall, just people in my dream that I was hanging with) through this underground area. It reminded me of the large, Bauhaus styled, monstrous grey structures in the beginning of the old Total Recall movie. We were headed down, further underground, rushed as of we were attempting to catch a train. We were just having fun running around this big building though. I got a sense that if we missed whatever we were supposed to catch, it did not really matter. Everywhere we went there were no other people, just empty grey walls and floors, a gloomy playground of dead concrete. While running down a flight of stairs, we encountered 2 other people running the opposite way. When they rounded the corner of the stairs and saw us, they split and went around us on opposite sides of the stairs. As they passed I felt that feeling again like the thing I may have summoned by ritual was there, following me but not quite with me.

I had a mild fear of this thing that I did not know but at the same time I wanted to meet it, reluctantly.

A Lot of Wooden Furniture

Dreams 12.19.12
I think this dream started off as sort of a fantasy. Although I’m not sure why I started fantasizing just before my under-an-hour nap, so maybe it just happened as I was drifting into sleep like the other dream a couple days ago.

I was in one wing of a mansion with someone who was nagging me so I wanted to get away from them. I stepped into another wing which was much darker. It had a few steps going lower then I went behind dark iron doors into a small octagonal room. It had some furniture in the middle, couple of long wooden couches that faced each other on a red stained bamboo rug. On the left was a door which led out to a little balcony. Sun light was shining through onto the floor. Beside this door was a side table with some ornaments. A painting with strong turquoise colored themes hung above.

On the opposite side of the room, there was a step up, which led to an old style chinese study. A man stood on this step, leaning on the wooden couch speaking to another person sitting on the opposite couch with his back facing the doorway that led to the balcony. I went in there pretending not to interrupt their conversation, pretending to be the maid. A duster appeared in my hand and I went to dust the side table.

They were startled to see me but when I started to dust, they hesitantly continued their conversation in hushed tones, expecting me to leave the room soon. The man standing was describing some kind of sexual encounter to the other man. I was getting very turned on eavesdropping on their conversation. When I “finished” with the side table, instead of leaving the room, I went to sit beside the man on the couch, a couple feet away from him and looked at the standing man with an expectant expression as if to say, “Please, do continue with your story.”

The man had paused when I sat down but after digesting my expression, he continued with his story. Then without going into too much detail, I remember that in the dream, I felt my various body parts responding in arousal. There was some subversive brushing by of body parts in an effort to stimulate myself further. Then my desire could no longer be contained and I just got up, walked up to the standing man and made an obvious move on him while the sitting man watched. I’m not sure how far things went after that.

Later in the dream, I was crawling around on my real bedroom floor, naked. I had either fallen or rolled out of bed to hide my nakedness because roommate had come into the room to speak to husband. I remember being relieved to be interrupted from whatever we were doing that left me naked. I don’t think it was sex although something sexually tinged (if that makes any sense).

The room was dark and grey all over with just a bit of sunlight shining through the closed blinds. I looked around on the floor searching for broken pieces of grey acetate, trying to sweep them into a pile with my hands so I could push them under my desk or just pick them up off the floor. I almost found all the pieces but kept thinking I was missing more.

There was another part where I went down the stairs but it’s been half a day since I had this dream now so I can’t remember what happened or why. It was still within our real house. Again, everything was grey even though the stairs and hallways had lots of sunlight coming through the big window at the top of the stairs.

Rich Folks Need Babysitters Too

Dreams 08.22.12
I show up at a luxury apartment and walk into a square, sunken room with dark hardwood floors. There is a grey, modern fabric couch, a low coffee table and a big TV with a video game system, controllers and wires on the floor. Around the room there were floor to ceiling bookshelves on one side with potlights, a simple work desk and chair and a couple of paintings hanging on the walls. There on the couch was a throw, clothes, notebooks. Another look around the room showed that there were clothes and textbooks all around the floor as well. It was messy but clean, like a “messy” apartment on TV, almost a fake kind of messy. It would take only 5-10 minutes to tidy up.

An older man greeted me, followed by a tall lanky teenage boy of anywhere between 15-18 and a younger boy of about 10. I am here to babysit and house-sit. I am in the boy’s “wing” of the large apartment. These people were RICH. There were doors leading to each of their bedrooms. I’ve known this family before. They were not complete strangers. My husband (in the dream) has done work with the father before but we didn’t really know them too well.

The younger one was running around the couch, excited and had lots of energy. The older boy was quiet, also following us around as the father showed me where everything was. His father explained that the older son was studying for entrance exams or something for university, thus all the books all over the apartment. That put him closer to 17, he just had a young face. He was eyeing me with a curious and hungry stare. As wrong as it sounds, if not bound by social mores, I’d lock out the father and little one and take the older boy all over the messy apartment.

Then unexpectedy, my husband shows up. The father and he talk briefly. He kind of talked down to my husband a bit even though my husband always made out their business relationship to be more equal. Husband wasn’t deferential but there was definitely an imbalance that I could feel.

Through the conversation, it turns out husband was here because he was avoiding a formal social event. When this got out. The mother joined everyone as well and the older couple tried to urge us to leave in order to go to this party together. They said I shouldn’t waste my time babysitting when I could be out with my husband (even though I didn’t want to be). In reality, it just felt like they didn’t want us in their apartment, like they were somehow offended we were there. Then eventually, they ushered us down personally, the entire family. All the while the mother and father carried on a pleasant dialogue that didn’t seem like they were ejecting us from the building at all$ Down the elevators we went, to the lobby where I could see the doorman/security guard kind of hovering and standing by. I also saw the bank of mailboxes on one wall, that’s how I knew we were in the lobby.

Then I think I was driving on the highway, leaving this apartment and city, with husband in the passenger seat, wondering why he showed up.

Then there was another part of the dream, which I remembered before I started to write down keywords of the dream to help my recall. By the time I got to this part, I blanked out.

Dip in a Dark Pool

Dreams 08.11.12
Last night I slept on the couch but had a really hard time sleeping. I twisted and turned for many hours. By the time I drifted off to sleep it was about 4 something in the morning. I dreamt that I was in a very small pool/large hot tub with my sister. We were splashing each other making jokes. The pool room was dark with a faint diffuse light that seemed to only touch the pool area. I couldn’t really tell if the surrounding walls were really dark grey just a few feet back from the pool’s edge or it was actually just darkness.

My sister was at the end of the pool and I was in the middle looking at her. On the left side of the pool out of the corner of my eye, I saw a skinny brown dude just wading. He looked kind of nerdy and had his glasses on. He was fumbling to take it off and set it aside. I leaned back, floated on my back for a bit then let myself sink and be submerged in the water. I think I stayed under a little longer, seeing if I would drown. I stared up at the ceiling through the water, vision completely blurred. That’s when I told myself “You are dreaming. You are dreaming. You are dreaming. Control yourself.” But I didn’t really have a goal of what should happen.

Then I heard footsteps, someone coming into the kitchen (right beside the living room where I was sleeping). I don’t think my eyes were actually open. I thought and was afraid that husband had come downstairs. I did not want him to see me and be annoyed that I was sleeping soundly but I just didn’t want to deal with him. Then I thought I saw my dog (with my eyes still closed) climb up the couch to the blankets by my knees. But I didn’t feel any weight. Then I think I woke up and wasn’t sure if anyone or the dog actually came downstairs or not. I think at some point I checked the time. After a little while, I did eventually drift back to sleep.

So for a few seconds at least, I knew I was dreaming so guess that counts as being lucid.

Weddings, Engagements and Zoning Out

Dream 05.02.12
My sister/bestie is visiting. They were kind of blended into one character, I’m not sure if it was both of them or sometimes one or the other. We were busy planning activities to do while she was here. My husband seemed to also be around but I never saw him once in the dream. Anyway I was trying to plan all possible activities while avoiding df on purpose. I was feeling a bit sad about it having to do that.

In a parking lot, I confess that fact to sister/bestie. They said they knew what I was trying to do and had considered breaking “us” up (not sure if she meant me+df since we were not together or me+husband) but had decided against it so I would make my own decision.

I was upset that they stood by and did nothing (even though it was my own fault). I ran away from her and it started pouring rain Sister/bestie came running after me.

Then it was bestie n her fiancee’s wedding reception. They are engaged IRL. I was there either with or without husband. I thought he might be there but didn’t really know in the dream. I didn’t see him and felt like I was there alone and was wondering if other people noticed.

Bestie called me over to where she was and she showed me the special dress she picked out for the occasion. I remember thinking it was kind of loud, not necessarily ugly but too much for my tastes. Also, I didn’t know what specific occasion she meant. Then there was an announcement that it was the couple’s first dance. I was feeling very happy for her as she went over to the “front” but then I couldn’t see her anymore over the crowd.

Then I was kind of zoned out at the party and realized bestie needed help with something but I was spaced out and did not come to her aid right away and there was nothing I could do at that point.

I was sitting on a couch just people watching at the reception. Music was playing. I overhear a conversation where they were discussing someone’s sketch and they actually had it in front of them. When I rolled/turned to them to try to join and and catch a glimpse of the sketch, they just kind of turned away and started talking about something else.

Dinner started. Someone down the bench table said something about a store that I regularly go to, that they sell full collections of a particularly geeky comic. I didn’t read the comic but knew of it and was interested but I was too embarassed and didn’t want people to know I went to this store.

Then I overhear another conversation where my old highschool friend Zann’s friends (Zann was not there) were talking about something I knew about. I can’t quite remember what happened here but I don’t think I joined in.

Later on way home on the subway, I run into Zann and we decide to go out and meet up with other people. We went to an underground lounge/bar/drink n draw / karaoke place. Just before we went down the stairs, we both texted people who were already there for the room #. She got the response. When we went in, turns out it was P+K (the two just got engaged IRL recently after being together for many years and at one point things got rocky and had broken up for about 6 months). I was happy to see two friends who I wasn’t close to but have known for a long time. When I saw them and how happy they were together, I felt alone again that I was married but “on my own”. I don’t know if lonely is the right word to describe the feeling. It’s more like I’m not actually “on my own” but it felt that way anyway and I knew it wasn’t the “right” feeling to have.

Then I was riding the subway again. This time I was with my cousin C (who has broken off her own engagement because she knew they were about to get married for the wrong reasons) and another friend who I can’t put a name to now. I was lost in my own thoughts and suddenly realized that they had gotten off the train at their stop. That’s what I deduced anyway since they were no longer on the train with me. I looked out the doors to see if I could still see them but found a very empty platform. I wondered where they were and finally came to the realization that I had zoned out. I felt bad and stupid.