I’m Only Happy When It Rains

Dreams 10.29.12
What I remember about last night’s dream is that there were variations of a theme where a storm is coming, I am in the midst of it to see it hit and something about the storm turns out to be surprising and wondrous and I have a moment where I get lost in the beauty of it. I only remember pieces of some parts of the dream though.

I am walking through an old city with a group of people like a walking tour group. To be honest, the city looked like how Israel looks in movies. Or the city where the Disney cartoon Aladdin took place. The point is that the houses were sandy colored buildings with squarish holes in the walls for windows. (Sorry if this is totally ignorant of me.) The streets were narrow, some places covered in stone and the whole city was built on various hills so there were inclines and downhill areas on the path we walked along. The leader of the group mentioned that we should head back to a safe place because the storm was on its way. I paused to look out a “window” punched out of a wall that overlooked the city. In the distance there was a mountain so the city was at the foot of these hills.

I could see the dark storm clouds moving really quickly, rolling into the mountain, casting a shadow over the city below, drenching it in rain. Big but sparse droplets had already started falling where I stood. It was almost where I was.

Just beyond the clouds on the left, the sun was setting. It gave the edges of the storm a deep reddish orange glow. It also made the edges of the wet city seem like they were overlaid in gold. I took this in and thought about how amazing it looked. Just then the storm poured buckets of rain on me but I had a smile on my face, one that no one else could see or understand as I alone peered out this window.

In another part of the dream, I sat in the rear passenger seat of an SUV. I was on a road trip with 4 other people. The landscape outside the car was like many scenes that I think come from the movie Twister – vast expansive, moving grey skies and flat green fields. We were driving along the empty highways, very aware that storm clouds hung over us, gathering momentum.

At one point, we stopped at a three-way intersection because we could see a wall of what looked like mist (we knew it was rain) moving from the left of where we were to the right, so coming directly our way. It looked dense. We decided to just stop driving and sit through until it passed so we waited for about 10 seconds and just braced ourselves. It came so fast, it looked like there was a lot of force in the wind. We didn’t expect any windows to break but certainly thought the rain hitting the car would sound like loud thuds in the metal.

As the wall approached the howling sounds of the wind became terrifying. Everyone including me had our heads down, looking at the floor. When the wall of rain did “hit” the car, it was like it just caressed the vehicle and brushed right by us. The wind and sound of rain was still sounded really loud. I looked up and saw dense white streaks (the rain) in front of us.

However, when I looked to the right, down the road, there was a glow of white sunlight behind all the storm clouds and the rain droplets were back lit. I suddenly had this slow motion perspective of the water droplets that had just blown past us. They were like little strings of round micro-pearls, snaked into random configurations. I saw another cluster pass by just at the front of the car and followed it with my eyes. The cluster wiggled around and seemed to be “talking” to me, waving hello and goodbye.

I looked around the car at my colleagues/friends, whoever they were, still hunched over trying to hide from the storm. I looked back out through the front window assessing just how bad the wind and rain was. Then I decided it was actually pretty bad so I wasn’t about to walk around outside, nor should we continue the drive. However, it was too interesting, amazing and beautiful to miss. So I kept looking to the right towards the sunlight and the back lit rain, happy that I had a chance to see it.

Also at one point my dad was in the dream, don’t remember which part, telling me to just take care and be careful.

Paper Planes on the Courthouse Steps

I know I am missing many many parts of last night’s dream(s) but I think part of last night’s intention was fulfilled. I told myself that I wanted to dream of good memories of spending time with my husband. I’m trying to do this thing where I reinforce my good memories of us being together so I no longer attach “us” with intense emotional pain and hurt only. I’ve tried to do this in real life but it always seemed that with every positive memory, I could immediately relate it to a negative one that occurred within hours of the same event. And those positive memories are few in my waking mind. Therefore I figured I would try to find them or even create them from memory fragments in my dreams. The motivation is lacking but even these things need practice.

08.2.12
Husband and I are tourists, walking around a big city. We stopped in front of a huge courthouse / greek temple looking building. The steps were as wide as the whole length of the building. It had large round fluted columns, the triangle roof structure – just classical. The city was kind of grey and so was this courthouse. We stopped just in front because we wanted to hail a taxi so we were just waiting. I stood, leaning against my husband, arms around his arm. His hands were in his pocket. His attention was focused on the street.

I looked up at the sky, at the surrounding buildings and just took in the uniform greyness of the city. Breathing in its essence, enjoying it in its natural state. I let myself disappear for a moment.

Then as if I was filming over my shoulder behind me (I was eavesdropping), I saw another couple walk hand in hand past the courthouse. On the steps an old chinese homeless man sat on the steps. He was intently folding a paper airplane with brown paper towel, the kind you find in public washrooms. He stood up when complete, not particularly happy but there was an air of accomplishment and excitement to him. Then he launched the plane, upwards into the air. My vision followed it as it went up, caught a draft and did a loop then glided slowly along the steps of the courthouse. For a brief moment, I just saw an overhead shot of the brown plane, sailing over a grey ocean of steps. Then I was under it, looking up from below seeing sky and courthouse roof in the background. It was like I could see the air flow above and below the wings (like an aerodynamics diagram) lifting and creating its movement.

Then the couple said something mean about the old man. The man whispered it, the girl snickered and said something else in return. Nothing horrible but derogatory nonetheless. I pawed at my husband’s chest with my right hand to get his attention. I asked if he heard what they said, saying I couldn’t believe they were being so mean/judgmental. I was kind of laughing at the couple for being haters, at how silly their sentiments were. My husband laughed too but he was laughing at their remarks in agreement. I wasn’t mad at him but was a little put off.

Big News but No Chocolate

Dreams 04.09.12

Memories from the last dream of the night are really chopped up. I only have bits and pieces and I’m pretty sure there’s a big chunk missing at the end. I “know” more of what happened than remember them happening, if that makes any sense.

I was hanging out at home and found out there was a live Jay and Silent Bob Get Old announced for Toronto. I’m a fan of them IRL but never to the point where I’d be excited because it’s coming to Toronto.

I remember that I went to the kitchen and grabbed to mug-bowls to make 2 gigantic hot chocolates for me and roommate. I put the powder in and went back upstairs while waiting for water/milk to boil.

Then I was read a Kevin Smith or Secret Stash branded tabloid style comic newspaper. I just remember being in roommate’s room with it, laughing my ass off. Husband had walked in too and I showed them both what I had just read. Seemed like neither of them even got the joke. Husband I think just walked away. Roommate looked at me with a smile and said, “Well as long as you’re enjoying yourself.”

Then I wondered where my hot chocolate was and went back downstairs to look for the mugs. I forgot where I put them and had to look around a little. Finally when I got them, mixed with milk/water and had hot coco in the mugs, ready to bring upstairs, it felt like well past midnight and everyone would be asleep already. The scene changed soon after that but thinking back I really wish I had taken a sip at least.

I was at a mini press conference being held on the top floor of some building where there is also a cafe. I had just walked out of the press conference wondering why I was there. I remember being happy to be there in that environment, looking out at the view to the city below, not because of the press conference. Strangely the floor was empty except me.

Then I was suddenly at home and see my Blackberry message light blinking red. It’s a message from Bilbo to tell me that there will be a live event, the one I already knew about. I was about to message back to gloat.

I’m not sure if I did in the end because I can’t remember anything else after that.

Riding on the Dummy Train

WILD attempt 04.08.12 – Fail

The attempt failed and I woke up at about 9:45am. It’s to difficult with the dog sleeping beside me, breathing on me, licking me. I think I did start having a waking dream where I was experiencing something, voices perhaps (can’t remember what happened) while I could still feel her breathing but then one sleepy kick from her and it woke me right up.

Dream (sleep in) – 04.08.12

I went back to sleep after. Shouldn’t have because I wasted more time. But then all I would be doing is cleaning the house, eating, making food. I guess that should be worthwhile.

I was in the R University campus after a tour with a group of students. AlbinoD from highschool was amongst the group. She didn’t look like herself but it was her. She was carrying some kind of folding massage table, oddly shaped but without the padding. I tried to help her carry one end because she seemed to have trouble with it but she insisted on doing it herself.

We finally got onto a subway train and she found a seat at the back. We chatted and she showed me a map of her classes and her schedule. In my head I was wondering the same thing. Which classes did I sign up for? Where were my classes on campus in relation to each other? When would I have time to figure it out?

The train exited the tunnel and we went above ground. Except now I felt like the train was not fully covered. It was like one of those zoo or amusement park trains that you take with the kids when they grow tired and fussy to shut them up. The train was passing through the city, which looked every bit futuristic, everything looked grey. Then suddenly I realized my entire vision was grey all except one small rectangular patch directly in the middle of my field of view. This alone was in vibrant colors. I started to freak out a little but the train went back into a tunnel and everything went dark.

Then I was sitting on a couch with husband at home. Roommate was also there chilling with us and the TV was on. It didn’t look like our real living room. Husband asked what I wanted to do the next day and I suggested we go downtown to the campus area to hang out, make a day of it and I would get to know where my classes would be. He just said, “Naaah.”

I was very disappointed. Then I think I tried to seduce him to change his mind but it didn’t really go anywhere.

Dreams 03.05.12

Last night’s dream involved some recurring events. Although I don’t remember the first time the events played out but in the dream, I knew they had happened before or at least in a similar fashion.

I was me outside my body and had to protect the real me from not getting “hurt” while being true to myself and being able to enjoy life. Most of all I was trying to keep real me from one man. I did run into this man a couple times in the dream and saw his face but he didn’t seem to correlate to anyone in real life. He was Chinese or at least Asian though.

Most of the dream I was following real me as she was out and about town. There was some weird architecture and a lot of super slopey walkways. At one point she met 2 guys who were just sitting, chilling, having some beers with a couple other people. They were just outside in a side alley on some folding chairs. They seemed to have sexual intentions with her but we sat with them anyways. We had some laughs and some drinks.

The guy I had to keep real me from showed up a couple times. Once along the corridors of a mall. Another time I think we were just out along the street. Protector me intercepted and physically pushed him away as he approached before real me had a chance to even see him. Seemed like he was stalking real me.

Anyways, I wish I remembered more details from the dream but I woke up in the middle of the night again to let the dog out. This dream happened during the first sleep cycle and since I didn’t get a chance to stay in bed and not move, much of the details just faded away.

I’m very happy about this dream though, having two me’s in it at once. Although we didn’t directly interact I think I am getting closer to my goal of conversing with myself.

I want the next one to be me as real me, speaking to protector me, or the other variations of me.

Progress! This is exciting!

On a side note, I read a report yesterday titled Perceived Support for Promotion-Focused and Prevention-Focused Goals from Northwestern University:

http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/Molden_Goal%20Support.pdf#page=3

It’s basically a study on the measure of satisfaction in unmarried and married couples in correlation to the amount of perceived support they receive from their partners. At the top of page 3, it listed the items/questions used to measure perceived goal support and it really kind of opened my eyes to some of the reasons why I feel the way I do about marriage right now.

For both promotion and prevention-focused goals, I would have to answer No to all of it. A little disconcerting that’s for sure. I think I will go through our responses from the questionaire on “compatibility” and possible “issues” from our marriage prep course again just to get more perspective.

I think I am also getting very close to answering the question I posed myself in the post More Reflections from Feb 25. Just need to organize my thoughts a bit more to write it down…

Dreams 03.03.2012

I was feeling kind of sick yesterday so I slept A LOT. In the afternoon I wanted to nap but my brain was still thinking a lot. So I thought it would be good to attempt some wake iniated lucid dreaming but it really didn’t do much. Night time sleep got a full 5 hours or so uninterrupted, then our dog woke me up to go outside. Couldn’t remember any dreams there. Then another 3 hours sleep and got this one:

It was after work, my boss K and my dear friend decided to go find a bubble tea place to chill out. We walked around a little before finding a cab. The city looked or was supposed to be HK for some reason.

Anyway the cab dropped us off in front of a small Bubble tea shop located on the corner of a street. It’s a small place with seafoam green tiled walls. We take the back booth and we each order our drinks. Shortly after our order was taken, one of us remembered that we were supposed to meet a big group of people.

We instantly left and started walking, looking for wherever we were supposed to meet. As we were starting to get lost we see the group up ahead just exiting a sewer tunnel converted into a walkway. We caught up with them as they led us to the place of activity.

The activity as it turns out was a group yoga class for 20 in a room that fits about 12 people. So it was cramped. For some reason I was wearing yoga clothes, tank and short shorts underneath my work clothes. When I stripped down and started doing yoga poses, my dear friend couldn’t stand to look at me.

After the class everyone was hanging out rehydrating in a break room and I was sitting in the corner leaned back on a bench. My friend was right beside me and he kept avoiding looking at me in so little clothes.

Then I forget the rest.

Now it’s bedtime. Good luck to another night full of dreams.