I twisted and turned quite often last night. Felt very crowded. I woke up in the night a few times with my husband’s head right next to mine, almost touching my shoulder and it made me really uncomfortable. I tried to think of things to distract me and it resulted in the only dream I remember from last night.
I was walking hand in hand with the tall drink to a back alley where cars from the nearby residential low rise apartments were parked. We were either just returning from a date or about to go on one. I looked up at him and he kissed me, and then again and again, small but intentional pecks at each other with smiles and googly eyes in between.
And then it was too much. I stopped myself and leaned in for a big hug then I stepped back. He looked at me sheepishly and he looked different than he does in real life, a mix of features of the real person and a celebrity I used to love in my teens. I stumbled, reaching for words but nothing would come out. He started, “You’ll be divorced in what, like 6 months, right?” I responded, pained to tell him and it hurt to acknowledge it to myself, “I don’t know what my timelines are…”
Then he came close to hug me and I suddenly felt the fear that husband would look out a window from the apartments above. I pushed the tall drink back against the wall, out of sight and held him. I looked at him in the eye and without saying a word explained that I lived in fear of his tantrums, that I wanted to be free to accept all possibilities that I wanted but am trapped but that i was so happy just being here right now. The tall drink was mildly offended that I wanted him out of sight but when he saw what was in my eyes, he just held me without saying a word.