Vaulted Memories and Inverted Me

Dreams 01.09.13
I was staying as a guest in JM’s mom’s basement. Her sister was on the computer and JM was hovering over. I joined them to see what they were looking at. They were going through a bunch of wedding party photos from JM’s wedding to someone.

All the bridesmaids had light and airy purple tulle/chiffon dresses. The pictures were refreshing and beautiful. I turned to JM and said, “You did good! Looked like a beautiful day!” I also pointed out one picture where her sister, the maid of honor was featured among the group and said, “You look SO hot there!”

Then she and her sister wrestled over the mouse a little fighting to show me another set of pictures or videos. As they flipped through the windows, I saw a video file name of interest. It had husband’s name in it and I wanted to see as it was dated from before or just after I met him almost 9 years ago. I instinctively and easily commandeered the mouse and went click click. The video started playing right away.

I could feel JM tensing up a little beside me so I got nervous as well. What is going to be in this video? Then it played and it showed someone stomping, wildly and irrationally, a little plastic moving thing on the tile floor, some sort of toy. I thought the person stomping was throwing a temper tantrum. Naturally in my mind, because the video file name included his name, I assumed it was husband.

The camera tilted up and it was husband. I was somewhat relieved because well, at least it wasn’t something I really did not want to see. Then on closer look, he wasn’t angry at all in the video. Whatever he was stomping on, this toy, was supposed to be chsse-stomped. It was part of the game. Anyway, then JM’s daughter entered the video. She was only about 3-4 here, younger than I’ve ever seen her. She ran up to husband of 9 years past and gave him a big hug. He picked her up, held her close and showed her off to the camera. It was a tender moment.

In my head/heart, I felt slight pangs of jealousy. Jealous of a tender familial moment I am never going to have with him. Even though I knew it was my doing, my choice that stops this from ever happening, a part of me still longed for it. I didn’t know if I just longed for it in general or with him specifically. There was just a wanting hole in my heart and its presence made me a jealous. At the same time I felt ashamed. I felt like I just exposed a private memory that shouldn’t have been shared with me. Worse, it was a private memory that wasn’t meant to be remembered. It was locked away, stored, specifically for the owner to retrieve at a later time. It was hers and maybe his. I knew I had no right to have any feeling on it but alas it was there.

Thankfully JM’s mother and her friend came downstairs. Then somehow I encouraged them to get all enthusiastic about finding a martial arts gym and we were all going to take a class, right now. The 5 of us all jumped into a beat-up light blue car and headed out. We drove past and around many strip malls until we found one. It looked open and clean.

Next I found myself inside one of the rooms in this gym. It was located in the basement. The whole room was painted a light teal and the room was sunken in, with polished linoleum. There were gym mats here and there. From the ceiling were hooks where Trx systems were hung. The light were dimmed and relaxing and I had the room all to myself. I was using holding the Trx rings with my hands, then trying to use my torso to bring myself into an upright inverted position, head to the ground. I tried this many times, unable to balance. But I knew this was practice and it was just part of the process.

There was a last chunk to the dream that I had all the details of at one point. But I snoozed many times today so when I tried to hold on to the memories of everything I just wrote, the last chunk disappeared.

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A Lot of Wooden Furniture

Dreams 12.19.12
I think this dream started off as sort of a fantasy. Although I’m not sure why I started fantasizing just before my under-an-hour nap, so maybe it just happened as I was drifting into sleep like the other dream a couple days ago.

I was in one wing of a mansion with someone who was nagging me so I wanted to get away from them. I stepped into another wing which was much darker. It had a few steps going lower then I went behind dark iron doors into a small octagonal room. It had some furniture in the middle, couple of long wooden couches that faced each other on a red stained bamboo rug. On the left was a door which led out to a little balcony. Sun light was shining through onto the floor. Beside this door was a side table with some ornaments. A painting with strong turquoise colored themes hung above.

On the opposite side of the room, there was a step up, which led to an old style chinese study. A man stood on this step, leaning on the wooden couch speaking to another person sitting on the opposite couch with his back facing the doorway that led to the balcony. I went in there pretending not to interrupt their conversation, pretending to be the maid. A duster appeared in my hand and I went to dust the side table.

They were startled to see me but when I started to dust, they hesitantly continued their conversation in hushed tones, expecting me to leave the room soon. The man standing was describing some kind of sexual encounter to the other man. I was getting very turned on eavesdropping on their conversation. When I “finished” with the side table, instead of leaving the room, I went to sit beside the man on the couch, a couple feet away from him and looked at the standing man with an expectant expression as if to say, “Please, do continue with your story.”

The man had paused when I sat down but after digesting my expression, he continued with his story. Then without going into too much detail, I remember that in the dream, I felt my various body parts responding in arousal. There was some subversive brushing by of body parts in an effort to stimulate myself further. Then my desire could no longer be contained and I just got up, walked up to the standing man and made an obvious move on him while the sitting man watched. I’m not sure how far things went after that.

Later in the dream, I was crawling around on my real bedroom floor, naked. I had either fallen or rolled out of bed to hide my nakedness because roommate had come into the room to speak to husband. I remember being relieved to be interrupted from whatever we were doing that left me naked. I don’t think it was sex although something sexually tinged (if that makes any sense).

The room was dark and grey all over with just a bit of sunlight shining through the closed blinds. I looked around on the floor searching for broken pieces of grey acetate, trying to sweep them into a pile with my hands so I could push them under my desk or just pick them up off the floor. I almost found all the pieces but kept thinking I was missing more.

There was another part where I went down the stairs but it’s been half a day since I had this dream now so I can’t remember what happened or why. It was still within our real house. Again, everything was grey even though the stairs and hallways had lots of sunlight coming through the big window at the top of the stairs.

Beach House and Salt Rung Ladders

Dreams 11.23.12

Night time Dream:
My emo co-worker has finally moved to new place. He invited the whole team to a house warming but everyone declined. I was there for some reason but I was sneaking around his house invisibly like a ghost. I found out he has a fake name or maybe it’s his pen name. I was looking through his writing and documents.

I remember floating down a river in a canoe or boat. I turned to look left and saw roller coaster rails. I thought then that there was another part of the dream before this where I saw train tracks but could not remember where or how.

There was more to that dream that I cannot remember but then I woke up at 5am to drive for an hour. During the 1+ hour nap, I had the following dream.

Nap Dream:
I was walking along a beach area with my dog. My husband is also with us walking about 10 feet ahead. We see a beach house, elevated on stilts, painted white on the outside. We were curious so we decided to find the entrance.

My husband found the ladder/steps to the front door. He goes up them first. When I placed my foot on them and looked down, I noticed the ladder rungs/steps were made of large chunks of sale. That meant when the sea water touched the supporting beams and this ladder, the step would slowly erode away. I nudged it a bit with my foot before putting my weight on it. Small bits of salt fell off. I pointed this out to my husband, saying that this was dangerous. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to go up. He stands on the platform, looking down at me, one hand stretched out towards me. He wasn’t mad but he was mildly impatient. The look on his face said, “Just stop talking and come up already.” I put my weight on the ladder, the dog’s leash still wrapped around my left wrist and wondered how the dog would follow me up.

Somehow we all made it inside the house. It was dark inside with outdated but cozy looking furnishings. We found the bedroom and went to sleep.

Then I went semi lucid. I could feel the dog moving in bed or in bed in the dream, not really sure which. I also felt my husband’s sleeping body and arm beside me. When I lifted my head from my pillow, at first I saw the dream bedroom, then it faded to darkness and I felt the dog and my husband. That’s when I realized maybe I was becoming lucid so the dream bedroom came back into view.

I got up from the dream bed intending to explore the house and do more. I think I wasn’t quite able to control or figure out what I wanted to do. I was so surprised that I had become lucid. It was so unexpected that I was not prepared. Also I forgot most of what really happened in the dream.

I do remember attempting to conjure up several things or people just to see if I could, one of the people being df. I know that for sure, the rest I do not remember. But the conjuring wasn’t working very well. I remember near the end of the dream that I went back to “sleep” on a couch but husband was sleeping on. He told me, lazily and sleepily, waving one arm at me to join him. I didn’t really want to cram into the couch and be crowded but I was so exhausted I did it anyway.

A Tempting Promise of Shelter from the Rain

Dreams 10.09.12
I was just let out of class, standing in the hallway awkwardly adjusting my backpack and books. I believe I was a Teaching Assistant and I stood in front of my two professors. I felt like I was waiting for them or just trying to see if some social gathering would emerge from the conversation. I felt out of place with them but wanted to fit in, impress. Yet I stood there like an idiot, not even contributing to the exchange. Students were all milling about us as they went from class to class. Then the professors had a pause in the conversation and both looked up at me, as if to say, “What are you doing here?” I nodded goodbye and turned away.

I make my way to the exit leading outside and see that it is nighttime, dark and it just started pouring rain. I only needed to cross over to the other building which I could clearly see in the distance. It would take less than two minutes but dreaded the thought of getting soaked. I braced myself and headed out from under ledge anyway. When I was halfway across, I noticed a door to the right that led to a mini cafeteria. It didn’t look like it had much to offer, no seats, just a counter with snacks and food. It reminded me of the cafeteria counter at my highschool back in the day. There looked to be something like a stove behind the counter as well but no sign of anyone. I knew I was making the wrong decision for very little payoff but it was just too inviting so I opened the door and walked in.

Inside, it was lit by fluorescent lights. The walls and floor were all a dirty yellowish white from years of grease and smoke stains. Overall, the room seemed to have a sickly green tinge. I looked around closely at the offerings on the counter. There was a coffee machine with coffee in the pot that looked like it’s been on warm for several days. There were bags of chips and cookies that looked very generic. There was a dingy table top glass front fridge with some questionable wraps. Behind the chips was a warmer machines. The glass window on it was soot covered but it had some sort of whole grain wraps with meat. I thought maybe that was promising but when I leaned in for a closer look, again it just didn’t look right. I was hesitant to buy and eat it. A person moved behind the machine and came around toward the cash register where I could see their face. It was the friendly lady at the convenience store by my house whom I buy cigarettes from whenever I take the bus that doesn’t come through our neighbourhood. She said in her accent (I’m not good at placing accents, somewhere middle eastern, maybe Iranian), “Hello how are you?” Just like in real life. She noticed me checking out the meat wraps. Then she tried to sell me on them saying they don’t look like much but are actually very good. I just shook my head but she persisted behind the counter. The last thing I remember was slowly backing out of the entrance I came in, back outside into what I expected to be rain but it had actually stopped.

A Nap of Multiple Dreams

I’ve had a headache since I woke up today so instead of going to my sister’s and infecting her baby with whatever ails me, I popped a couple gel caps painkiller and had a little nappy time. Woke up a few times but I had dreams each time. This is parts of the 3 of 5 that I can remember. I’m noticing lately that I can remember most of a dream right up until the point when I am about to write it down.

Dreams 09.12.12
The first dream’s memory is hazy now that I try to record it. I know that most of it happened on a brightly lit subway/train platform that was quite futuristic looking. At the end of the dream, I chase an unknown man all dressed in white in a big white overcoat. I am about 500 feet behind him, his overcoat is just flying as he runs. The last I see of him, he dashed into a subway just when the doors are closing. The doors have a open window so just as the train pulls away, I manage to throw something through the window at him.

The second dream happens during a party that my mother is hosting but it’s not at her house. It is in some bar/clubhouse type of place. There was a narrow curvy, windy hallway. All the party rooms were to either side, separated from the hallway by floor to ceiling frosted glass, so as you walk down this hallway, you can see the rooms inside are brightly lit, sometimes you can see moving shadows from the people inside. The entire floor, so all the rooms were filled with guests that I knew, of family friends, etc. I knew all of them but i wasn’t really in a partying mood so I just stayed in the hallway.

There was a long table on one side of the already narrow hallway. A part of it had food and drinks and another part had a display of the various hand fans from my mom’s collection. She doesn’t actually have a serious fan collection in real life. I mean she does, kind of, I sort of started it by buying her a special one online. Then she bought a few other fashion accessory or costume ones. Anyway, side note, having a real hand fan collection of old, hand crafted or commemorative hand fans is something I’d like to have. So there were a few pieces on the table that were nice. She laid then out to show off her collection but I started to play with them and be all interactive with them. My whole god family, kids and all were in a took nearby. My godfather came out with a couple of his grandkids, the little girls. The girls were fascinated by the fans I was playing with, so I proceeded to show them the three really special ones.

One fan had thin pieces of pink quartz attached to the end of each fan blade. It was very light and somehow not easy to break. When you fan yourself with the quartz made a nice tinkling sound. I carefully laid that back on the table and moved on to the next. The next one was made of a shiny foily type of metal. I think along the fan structure, there were little clear crystals inlaid in straight lines. I picked up the third fan off the table to show the kids and now I can’t remember what this one looked like. I knew I chatted with my godfather a bit, not really sure about what. It probably had to do with fans and kids.

The third dream, I was living while traveling, in an all womens dormitory that was built inside a megamall. To access the dorm, you have to go through a door past where the washrooms are. The door comes out to a long hallway that leads outside but on one side there is a fountain area. On the other side is a wheelchair ramp. On one side of the wheelchair ramp, there was a hidden few steps and a doorway. Through there was the dormitory.

The dorm housed travelers, workers at the mall, students, etc. I was there with my mother, traveling but I was not with her all the time. Actually, I was trying not to be with her all the time. I talked to one of the tenants who was also kind of a caretaker there. She took me outside and showed me the fountain across the hallway. Homeless people had started to make their beds around it.

Now that I was up close to it, it became apparent that the space was designed with protruding platforms which looked like benches at first, but actually worked as individual bed pods with shelter from sun and rain. It was built to be a temporary sleeping place for 8 people comfortably. There was water, a little bit of light, some greenery, etc. I was really impressed that the architects had thought to design this space, implement it and no one opposed it. It made me feel good about the world to know that if I ever became homeless, other was some place I could go at the end of the day.

Anyway I went out for the day. When I returned it was night time. The hallway that led to the dormitory was no longer lit with light. I started to wonder is my mother had returned from her day’s travel. She would not feel comfortable coming back to the dormitory in the dark. I felt my way around the dark hallway until I found the wheelchair ramp and eventually the door. I pushed open the door and the light from inside spilled into the hallway. I ask around to see if anyone has seen my mother, I’m not sure what their responses were.

Dark Mirrors and Vomit in the Corner

Today’s recall is pretty bad. My dog must have some kind of bug so she woke me up three times between 1 to 7am to go do her business. I may need to take her to the vet tomorrow…

Dreams 08.28.12
This one, I remembering wandering around in a dark house. There really isn’t much detail. I think I was aware that other people should be in this house as well but I did not see them. I remember walking up to a mirror, seeing my own image but something in me automatically said out loud, “You are dreaming, you are dreaming, do a reality check!” I can’t remember what reality check I actually did, usually I look at my hands. So for a very short period I was lucid, semi in control of this dream. It wasn’t even like last time where there were things happening, changing, shifting constantly. It wasn’t like grasping a handful of sand at all.

This time was more like being teleported into a solid rock where you are fully aware of being there yet nothing is happening and probably nothing else is going to happen. I was in a dark grey room, in front of a mirror. That was all. I was once again unprepared to do what I want to achieve with lucid dreaming. I totally forgot my objective, just kind of blanked out. So then I tried to summon a familiar, safe thing (ie. df) but it’s been so long, guess he isn’t so familiar anymore. The thought was so intangible, absolutely nothing happened. Then I don’t know what came next and I woke up for the first time in the night.

In the second dream, I kind of had a false awakening except I was obviously not in my room at my mom’s house, not in the basement. It was brighter. I looked down to the left side of the bed, in the corner. I could see one of the dog’s rope toys and bits of doggy vomit. Then I vaguely recall the whiney guy from work cursing about the vomit…and in the dream I was just about to get up to clean it up. Then woke up to the dog’s whining in real life and let her outside again. Also somewhere in this dream, I saw a blue, rubbery hollowed out cube with shapes cut out on the sides. It was either a dog’s or kid’s toy.

After that there was only an hour and a half left before I was supposed to get up for work. I thought maybe I could try to chain myself back into that first dream with the dark room, since for some reason, it was somewhat fresh in my mind. But it didn’t really work and I don’t think I dreamed at all this third cycle because the dog woke me half an hour before alarm time.