Vaulted Memories and Inverted Me

Dreams 01.09.13
I was staying as a guest in JM’s mom’s basement. Her sister was on the computer and JM was hovering over. I joined them to see what they were looking at. They were going through a bunch of wedding party photos from JM’s wedding to someone.

All the bridesmaids had light and airy purple tulle/chiffon dresses. The pictures were refreshing and beautiful. I turned to JM and said, “You did good! Looked like a beautiful day!” I also pointed out one picture where her sister, the maid of honor was featured among the group and said, “You look SO hot there!”

Then she and her sister wrestled over the mouse a little fighting to show me another set of pictures or videos. As they flipped through the windows, I saw a video file name of interest. It had husband’s name in it and I wanted to see as it was dated from before or just after I met him almost 9 years ago. I instinctively and easily commandeered the mouse and went click click. The video started playing right away.

I could feel JM tensing up a little beside me so I got nervous as well. What is going to be in this video? Then it played and it showed someone stomping, wildly and irrationally, a little plastic moving thing on the tile floor, some sort of toy. I thought the person stomping was throwing a temper tantrum. Naturally in my mind, because the video file name included his name, I assumed it was husband.

The camera tilted up and it was husband. I was somewhat relieved because well, at least it wasn’t something I really did not want to see. Then on closer look, he wasn’t angry at all in the video. Whatever he was stomping on, this toy, was supposed to be chsse-stomped. It was part of the game. Anyway, then JM’s daughter entered the video. She was only about 3-4 here, younger than I’ve ever seen her. She ran up to husband of 9 years past and gave him a big hug. He picked her up, held her close and showed her off to the camera. It was a tender moment.

In my head/heart, I felt slight pangs of jealousy. Jealous of a tender familial moment I am never going to have with him. Even though I knew it was my doing, my choice that stops this from ever happening, a part of me still longed for it. I didn’t know if I just longed for it in general or with him specifically. There was just a wanting hole in my heart and its presence made me a jealous. At the same time I felt ashamed. I felt like I just exposed a private memory that shouldn’t have been shared with me. Worse, it was a private memory that wasn’t meant to be remembered. It was locked away, stored, specifically for the owner to retrieve at a later time. It was hers and maybe his. I knew I had no right to have any feeling on it but alas it was there.

Thankfully JM’s mother and her friend came downstairs. Then somehow I encouraged them to get all enthusiastic about finding a martial arts gym and we were all going to take a class, right now. The 5 of us all jumped into a beat-up light blue car and headed out. We drove past and around many strip malls until we found one. It looked open and clean.

Next I found myself inside one of the rooms in this gym. It was located in the basement. The whole room was painted a light teal and the room was sunken in, with polished linoleum. There were gym mats here and there. From the ceiling were hooks where Trx systems were hung. The light were dimmed and relaxing and I had the room all to myself. I was using holding the Trx rings with my hands, then trying to use my torso to bring myself into an upright inverted position, head to the ground. I tried this many times, unable to balance. But I knew this was practice and it was just part of the process.

There was a last chunk to the dream that I had all the details of at one point. But I snoozed many times today so when I tried to hold on to the memories of everything I just wrote, the last chunk disappeared.


A Tempting Promise of Shelter from the Rain

Dreams 10.09.12
I was just let out of class, standing in the hallway awkwardly adjusting my backpack and books. I believe I was a Teaching Assistant and I stood in front of my two professors. I felt like I was waiting for them or just trying to see if some social gathering would emerge from the conversation. I felt out of place with them but wanted to fit in, impress. Yet I stood there like an idiot, not even contributing to the exchange. Students were all milling about us as they went from class to class. Then the professors had a pause in the conversation and both looked up at me, as if to say, “What are you doing here?” I nodded goodbye and turned away.

I make my way to the exit leading outside and see that it is nighttime, dark and it just started pouring rain. I only needed to cross over to the other building which I could clearly see in the distance. It would take less than two minutes but dreaded the thought of getting soaked. I braced myself and headed out from under ledge anyway. When I was halfway across, I noticed a door to the right that led to a mini cafeteria. It didn’t look like it had much to offer, no seats, just a counter with snacks and food. It reminded me of the cafeteria counter at my highschool back in the day. There looked to be something like a stove behind the counter as well but no sign of anyone. I knew I was making the wrong decision for very little payoff but it was just too inviting so I opened the door and walked in.

Inside, it was lit by fluorescent lights. The walls and floor were all a dirty yellowish white from years of grease and smoke stains. Overall, the room seemed to have a sickly green tinge. I looked around closely at the offerings on the counter. There was a coffee machine with coffee in the pot that looked like it’s been on warm for several days. There were bags of chips and cookies that looked very generic. There was a dingy table top glass front fridge with some questionable wraps. Behind the chips was a warmer machines. The glass window on it was soot covered but it had some sort of whole grain wraps with meat. I thought maybe that was promising but when I leaned in for a closer look, again it just didn’t look right. I was hesitant to buy and eat it. A person moved behind the machine and came around toward the cash register where I could see their face. It was the friendly lady at the convenience store by my house whom I buy cigarettes from whenever I take the bus that doesn’t come through our neighbourhood. She said in her accent (I’m not good at placing accents, somewhere middle eastern, maybe Iranian), “Hello how are you?” Just like in real life. She noticed me checking out the meat wraps. Then she tried to sell me on them saying they don’t look like much but are actually very good. I just shook my head but she persisted behind the counter. The last thing I remember was slowly backing out of the entrance I came in, back outside into what I expected to be rain but it had actually stopped.

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