Hippie Lawn Party

There is a party, most of it happening outdoors. There were close to a hundred people all doing various activities, mostly fueled by alcohol. There was an air of mild recklessness but overall everyone seemed to be having a good time. It felt as tho at any moment, a friendly fight might break out that could easily be broken up.

I am recording this over 16 hours after, as today has been a fairly full day, so there are lot of bits that’ve been forgotten. I remember one if husband’s old friends was there, he was a cute one, with a sly smile and boyish good looks. He was there happily drunk with his /fiancĂ©e on his arm. (I just saw that they got engaged on Facebook, I really don’t know either of them.) Then I heard husband say some snide remark about the state of his friend, about how he wasn’t ready, etc. He basically predicted doom. I was annoyed with him but just ignored.

I walked away to the parking lot for a bit to get away. I ran up to a white van where a cameraman I knew and his family was in, he laughed at me and asked if I wanted to join him for a smoke. I was leaning against his passenger window, talking over someone. I declined the differ because I would have to go back to my mother’s side and I did not want to smell like smoke. They started puffing away while laughing at me. Then they drove off.

I can’t remember the rest. Now it’s time for another dream, another sleep.

Friends and their habits

Dream 05.06.12
In bed, with a friend/boyfriend (unclear in dream context), a mutual girl friend and a big obese guy was in the corner. A guy is speaking in the other corner entertaining us but the obese dude kept interrupting with loud one word shouts that didn’t even mean anything. The entertainer wasn’t sure what to do and I end up saying some witty insult that shut the obese guy right up.

I go to washroom then come out to find my friend/bf wrestling playfully with the girl. I was jealous. I get in on the play fight but swiftly exclude the friend/bf. I become more forceful with the girl and tackle her, pinning her with my hands around her neck and chest in a threatening manner. She laughs and shrugs it off a if it is nothing.

Another time, the male friend and the girl had hooked up and now sort of an item. The three of us were out around town together. There was somewhere they wanted to go that would take a few hours and I didn’t want to. So we decided to split up. They ascended a flight of stairs off the sidewalk and stopped just before entering. They looked back at me and the male friend asked if I was sure that I didn’t want to come with. The girl said something along the same lines but her eyes said “You should stay where you are. I’ve got him now.” I repeated that I’d rather explore on my own. I really wasn’t jealous and couldn’t care less. in fact, in my mind I was thinking of a bar a few doors down that had a hidden backroom where they had private sex shows and more. I was thinking of going there to find some excitement and maybe pickup a random.

When they disappeared behind the entrance I walked down the street looking for this bar. There were other bars and eateries there but it looked like everything was closed. It was about 5pm. I started to think maybe my bar would be closed too. When I got to the bar’s entrance I was right. It was too early and they didn’t open for another couple of hours. I was very disappointed.

Later still, we (including the guy and girl friend) were at a mansion/hotel owned by a friend. We had been drinking and everyone was a bit drunk sitting around a table. I was starting to get a but bored as the alcohol was wearing off. Two new people arrived, it was my husband and roommate. They sat down around the table. We were all making smalltalk and I got up to leave but could see that roommate was a bit off. I asked if he was alright and he slurred a yes. But my eyes zoomed in on his face and looking at his skin, eyes and his pores I could tell he was fucked up on some other drug. I was a bit worried.

The next part is hazy. I think roommate went to the washroom and I was waiting for him before I left. But then I was actually waiting for the girlfriend from before who had locked herself or holed up in a side room down a hallway. I think if anyone tried to go in she would go nuts and start screaming.

I just remember clothing that was stretchy, tied to a doorknob, to fashion a slingshot of sorts to fling stuff inside the room to her to scare her out or something like that.

Cottage Party

Dreams 04.13.12

Roommate and I are preparing brunch on the kitchen table at my old house. He was chopping something and I was grilling perch fillets on a panini press. We were going to eat and then go somewhere.

The doorbell rang, I ran to open the door and the I remember seeing at the table was that my perch was starting to burn. At the door, my mom and her bf were there. I was surprised because they were picking me up to drive me somewhere except I did not expect them so early. I told them to hold tight so I can get my shit together. I went upstairs to my room and started to put things in a bag. Shortly after though I noticed myself slowing down the packing, procrastinating and I knew I was making them wait. I felt a bit bad but didn’t actually hurry up.

After that I remember roommate and I arriving at a party. It must’ve been at a cottage or something. It was the kind of party where everyone had brought duffle bags and sleeping bags because as soon as we walked in the door, the front room was piled high with bags. We added our luggage to the pile and then my friend VN n her sister walked in the door. They had arrived already before but were just returning for a walk. They looked at me and non-verbally we communicated “We’ll see you in a bit to blaze.”

Then I was in a darker room with 2 queen sized beds, one in each corner. A chair was in between them, facing a TV on a 3 drawer cabinet. I was sitting in the chair with somebody’s 3 or 4 year old kid watching a cartoon on TV. The kid was talking to me, to the cartoon characters, to the TV. He was supposed to go to bed after he finishes his show. I loved having him bouncing around in my lap talking his baby talk. After the cartoon was over, he kept asking me if he could watch more. I looked at the other two people in the room who were chilling and unpacking on the beds. The consensus was basically that the parent wasn’t back yet so let the kid do what he wants and get tired, etc. So I waved at my hand at the TV, which wasn’t big but it had some kind of Kinect typed sensor control, to select another program.

Then the parent poked their head in the doorway and called the kid’s name. The kid ran to the parent. I was a bit saddened not to have him on my knee anymore.

Then another friend came in. Now suddenly I feel like I am in the consciousness of another girl or I was watching it. Whoever came in the room came in with a bottle of wine and an oversized wine glass and it took the entire bottle of wine leaving only about half an inch at to the top. The glass was passed to me/girl and “we” just glug-glug-glugged it down and got completely trashed. Then I remember the person who brought the wine smacking me/girl across the face to snap me out of it. I sobered up a bit and then the intention of the rest of the people in room, including me was to go smoke some weed.

We arrived in another room which looked kind of like a teacher’s office in japanese dramas. (LOL, very specific I know) Immediate to the left of the entrance was a bank of filing cabinets and papers. So everything beyond them in that room was initially obscured from my view. We continued to walk straight, then turned left around the cabinets. There were a few tables with food set up. People were sitting around them interacting. Some recognizable faces were there, Irish for example as well as DF.

As soon as I recognized DF, even before I walked close to the table, we gave each other a silent nod hello. I smiled happily at him. I was so pleasantly surprised to see him. It’s been so long. The seat at the end of the table beside him was empty and I approached it but we still didn’t say anything to each other because no one else in the circle of friends know anything.

After that I woke up at 5:30am in the morning because the dog wanted to go outside. When I went back to upstairs to bed, there was only about 50 minutes before my first alarm would ring. I tried to go back to bed to see if I could dream some more, hopefully more about DF in truth. I think my mind did wander and “dream” without actually falling asleep but I was too tired, I can’t remember any of it.

Dreams 03.20.12

I was at a house party, leaning against a wall. I was surrounded by a couple guys. The one on the left was his ex’s cousin who in real life just left his other ex (the one who lived at our house). The one on the right was some dude I used to know in film school, the one who, on a regular night out to a bar between two friends (or so I thought), dropped me off at home at end of night, gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and lunged at me for a kiss.

I remember not feeling too comfortable with these two but I could keep them at bay. Then my husband (who I knew of in the dream but he wasn’t my husband nor were we friends, just a guy I know) approaches with his drunk friend. This one I do not recognize in real life. They just kind of zoned in on me between these other two fat idiots. The drunk friend just came up, pressed his body against me, hand on my waist and started making drunk conversation. I remember drunk flirting back even though I wasn’t drunk at all.

Then I was fumbling in my pocket for my cigarette case and drunk guy fumbled for his phone because he thought I had my phone and was going to use the opportunity to ask for my number. Somehow he ended up resting 2 of his phones on my left boob and still fumbling for the “right” phone, which was apparently still in his pocket. My stance was slightly leaned back and seeing him act foolishly I started laughing and the phones slipped down my chest.

Then I made a lame joke about how my rack isn’t good enough but this drunken simpleton didn’t even understand. He tried to ease my insecurity about my small breasts and said something like no they are lovely. I just smiled and thanked him but yelled over the loudness of the party, NO I MEANT THEY AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH AS RACKS, TO HOLD UP STUFF! Then he “got” it but still looked confused. I just kept smiling and tried to enjoy the rest of the party.

I’m pretty sure there was a lot more that happened before in this dream. I feel like I had more of it when I first woke up this morning. Whatever progress I made before seems to have all gone backwards. Why are all my memories so slippery?

I’ve been looking up vitamins and supplements, about Alpha Brain, galantamine, acetylcholine, etc. Then I wondered if there were things in my diet that could help improve my dreaming. And I thought about mushrooms, ayahuasca, ibogaine, and about psychedelic drugs. I have never done any because I am afraid of getting physically sick. The only thing I could try is possibly mushrooms but ick! Also I have not heard any of my friends having any “spiritual” vision but maybe you have to seek it in order to get it.

I guess I just really want to see and experience a vision or a series of visions that could clarify the fog in my head. I don’t really know if I necessarily want to use tweak my system with drugs or supplements to get there but obviously I don’t have a lot of control over mind or body yet.

I just NEED to remember more. I NEED to be able to talk to me, subconscious me, the true me, the best me. I NEED to become lucid, to control who I see or talk to. One step at a time.

It was very nice yesterday because my husband made dinner which freed up time so that we walked the dog together after tv & digestion. Then I was able to keep walking/running around the block a few more times.

Hmm, just a thought. I always give up, rest or go slow after a short while of exercising. I wonder if I could run until exhaustion with an alertness and emptiness of mind. Then when body collapses from exhaustion, would my brain shut off or would my consciousness keep running in dream mode?

Dreams 03.15.12

Something serious has come to light within the household. For now, our stuff is on hold.

Last night we both stayed up quite a bit to talk to roommate but I also had extra early meeting to go to. I was functional most of the day but when I came home, I didn’t need to cook for anybody else. I plopped onto bed while texting my bestie. Bad choice – because after we were done, I passed right out instead of exercising, for 3 hours. This is the dream I remember from the nap.

The 4 from the house were going to dinner with other people at some chinese restaurant, we had a table of 10 booked. I was skipping a dinner invitation from my mom so I was feeling a bit bad. Except we chose the same restaurant where they were and the attendant thought we were part of the same party and tried to seat us at their table. It was awkward. We said hi to my mom but I could tell that she forgave me anyway. Then the 4 of us just decided to leave and go home.

At the house, me and dear friend were sitting beside each other as I watched him play some video game. We were high and/or drunk. There was a lot of sexual tension throughout almost to breaking point. We kept looking at each other and not doing anything but obviously holding back and it was so difficult not to act. Roommate was elsewhere in the house with other people because I could hear loud noises. Hubby was out doing something.

We turned off the game and stood up and the tension was about to break. We were almost about to hold each other, about to kiss. Hubby comes home, sees us standing real close awkwardly. He looked somewhat suspicious but said nothing and went upstairs to change.

A few of us then went out the front door of the house for a cigarette (split level townhouse type, sunken entrance with L shape stairs to street level). As soon the door opens, we could hear screaming, people running. Me and the Double A’s (she was preggers again) walked up halfway up the steps. We were situated right in the middle of a chinese mall. There was a shootout happening. Some dude was behind a car to the right of us, shooting from behind open car door at someone else towards the shops on the left.

Wife A was hiding and ducking near top of the stairs with Husband A but she was ducking up and down yelling at the gunmen to stop. Husband A had to tell her to stop being crazy and escorted her back downstairs into the house. For some reason, I was trying to run towards the shop. I think someone or something was there that I had to save and get out. There was another person now at the top of the stairs, not sure who. I was trying to make a break for it towards the stores and the shots were getting close to me. The man at the stairs grabbed me to shelter me with his body/legs/thighs. I just remember seeing one final image of the gunman and car, framed through the man’s legs bent in L-shape from the way he had one leg up on the steps.

Then I woke up because I heard noises of husband coming home.

Dreams 03.07.12

I remembered more of the dream when I first woke up, at least in the beginning anyways. Dear friend says I should write this right when I wake up but usually I am enjoying the comfort of snuggly bed too much.

Anyways, beginning of the dream I was a new person in town. I was going to a hotel where I was assigned a room by the people I was working for. I think I was supposed to share a room with another person. It’s an old hotel. Gold accents everywhere, deep red paisley carpets. The elevators had that vintage ding sound when they arrive.

When I got to my room I knocked and someone must’ve answered (don’t remember this) but I was inside looking at my bed, a single. Beside was another single bed where my roommate would be. So I found out that I am an actress arriving in a new town, supposed to start rehearsals on a play that will be the role of a lifetime for me.

Fast forward a bit, I am having drinks at a bar with my roommate (still no clue who it actually is), spanky, another guy and my best friend. The bar was crowded so 4 of us sat at the end of a table, shared. My bf was at a table next to us mixing it up. I was about to get up to go to washroom then leave bar for my big day of rehearsals. Didn’t really want to go because we were all laughing having a good time. I picked up my drink to chug it before the washroom and realized I wasn’t even drinking alcohol, just a coke. So I downed it and left.

Fast forward a little while more, it could be the next day or it had already been a few weeks or months of rehearsing. I had just finished a scene with my main partner in the scene. Our roles were husband and wife. We are sitting in the set, my partner got up to go do something while the director, who was Toby Macguire, started to give me notes, telling me what an awesome job I did.

Then the phone on set rang and Toby picked it up. It was a call about some family emergency for my partner. I didn’t know the exact situation but knew it was serious and said to Toby that as soon as my partner came back we need to tell him right away but he hesitated and said we shouldn’t tell him. I could feel that he wanted to use that information to make my partner perform better in the next scene we would rehearse. I felt like it was a wrong decision.

That’s it. Will contemplate any meaning from this a bit more later today.

Dream or Revelations?

Over the past couple weeks I have been making progress in my daily dream recall with the ultimate goal to become lucid. Apart from wanting to try certain activities while lucid, I was also hoping this journey into the dream world would allow me some much needed conversation with my subconscious.

I’ve been struggling with certain conflicts between my heart, body and mind for quite a long time now. It seems to have been a never ending struggle in the past 8 years where I often doubted if the final outcome was what I actually chose. Or perhaps my mind told me the logical steps to take even though my heart and body told me otherwise. Usually my heart has been caught somewhere in the middle and ultimately the mind won the battle.

Now, I am at a point where it seems the heart and body are mostly on one side but my mind is standing strong, trying to tug my heart to its side. Now more than ever, I feel the need to listen to my subconscious, who has perhaps known the truth all along but my mind just shielded me from it. Perhaps because the real truth would hurt, a lot.

Anyways, I will start logging what I recall from my dreams here. Here is a first entry for last night’s 2 dreams.

Dream 1:
My dear friend drives me to a bus stop located on the side of a deserted parking lot. It is late at night, only a few street lamps are on. It is windy, cold and snowy.

My husband appears at the bus stop. My friend sees that I am “safe” and drives off into the night. My husband asks me when the bus is arriving. I check the schedule and it says 11:20pm but I knew it was never going to come. He asks me a few more times and I repeat the time the bus should arrive. We just wait in the cold, standing a couple feet apart from each other.

Dream 2:
I am on a brand new luxury coach bus. My dear friend, roommate and Ginger are all on the bus but sitting separately. The bus is full of people. Everyone on the bus is going to Ginger’s house. Apparently his family is hosting some gathering.

We arrive outside the destination and Ginger tries to get off the bus first to lead the way. He is pissed drunk, slurring and stumbling his way out of the bus, tripping at times as he passes the seats.

When we are off the bus, we are somehow immediately inside. It’s supposed to be his family’s house (but not like the one irl), this one is huge. There are a lot of people here, much more than I had expected. I knew no one besides my dear friend and roommate.

We make our way to where food was supposed being served and encounter a super long line up into the basement where a huge buffet of sorts was setup. But there were so many people, the line moved slowly. We waited in line anyway just hanging out.

That’s all I remember from this dream.