A Not-So-Cleansing Flood

Yesterday’s dream recall was a bust.  Not sure why because I had a full night’s sleep.  Maybe it was because I was determined to wake up to go to the gym. I wasn’t rushed or anything but maybe my mind was occupied.

This morning is a bit better but I literally had to claw at my memories to get it back. Like I woke up know a tiny vague nugget and I had to lie there thinking, “There was more, remember remember remember!” Anyway, here’s what I have. The order is probably a bit jumbled.

Dreams 03-31-13

I was the house that I grew up in. Everyone (meaning my mom, sister, some friends and possibly husband) were all leaving to go somewhere – towards the city I think. I followed them out the door to the end of the driveway, watching them go. The sky was a vibrant blue that faded into the distance with just a few large fluffy clouds. It looked idyllic but  I had a bad feeling.

Then I was in the basement but it didn’t look like the basement of the house I grew up in. It was the basement to a much smaller house. The stairs were plain white, leading down to a small area with bare concrete floor. There were a couple of closed doors. As I walked down the stairs I felt like the whole house shook, or maybe I just lost my balance. It felt like I was thrown to one side, much like when a ship hitting a wave causes you to lose your balance. I could see the pathetic decorations (tiny cheaply framed prints) falling off the walls. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I found myself standing in waist high water and it still seemed to be coming in more.  I stood there hands up, holding onto the wood beams under the stairs for support.  Then I saw myself from a third person perspective.  I had tears rolling down my eyes. The world was ending and everyone who had left earlier is probably gone. At this point I couldn’t even go out to check.

Later I was in one of the upstairs bedroom, looking out the window to check if the water had receded. It had mostly but it looked like a ghost town outside. I could not see a single a sign of life. It just looked like the streets had been swept clean by the flood and there was some debris gathered around the sewers. In the distance, over the neighbourhood, I could see the city looming on the horizon. I thought to myself that it was time to venture out but did I really want to go? Was I ready? I decided I should take a shower and think on it. That’s step one to getting myself ready.

When I came out of the shower, I was naked with a towel drying my hair. I opened the door and while standing in the hallway saw my reflection on 3 mirrors on all the other bedroom doors. Except one, which was wide open.  I went up to it and found another full length mirror on it and closed it. Then I went back to the bathroom and walked back out several times, observing the effect of my naked reflection times four. I liked what I saw, I was proud. Especially since I was alone in the house, probably in this whole neighbourhood, I kind of stood there admiring my female form. By the way this was no longer my old house. This is now a fictional house I shared with 3 other roommates.

Then I heard the front door and voices coming from downstairs and I dove back into the bathroom, afraid of getting caught naked. It sounded like two of my roommates returning from getting groceries. But after I had put all my clothes back on, I found the house empty once again and I wondered if I imagined it. Am I really the only one here?

Then I was in the city. I remember walking along a glass covered walkway and there were many people there, busy, going about their day. The glass walkway looked out over the river and I saw a walkway with big concrete slabs right by the water. It was inviting and I wanted to go down there. I did just that and when I stood there, a familiar voice approached me from my left but it wasn’t a welcomed person. I cannot remember who it was now but basically this person told me certain people that I thought were gone had survived and were all gathered at this one place. She offered to take me there. I could not refuse so I let her lead the way.

When I got there, I saw a bunch of people that I was glad had survived. My husband was there too but when I saw him my heart sank. I didn’t know how much time had passed since the flood but I instantly felt trapped again. Am I expected now by all these people who had survived to continue this charade? I literally felt as if the modern decor in this place was caving in around me. All I could think at that moment, looking at these people was how do I escape?

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Running Away and My Father, the Superstar

Here are rough notes on the past two nights’ dreams. I haven’t been writing them down in detail because I’ve been feeling a bit depressed over the weekend. The dreams I would say contributed to the sadness.

12.16.12
I had three different dreams this night, all surrounding the same-ish theme with varying degrees of urgency and emotion: getting away from husband. The details get hazier as the night goes on.

Dream 1
The first was kind of a dream before I really fell asleep. I remember closing my eyes and all the lights in the room were off. It was “pitch black” except the faint glow of my blackberry clock that always comes on when it is plugged in. It was ever so faintly lighting the white mesh drapes tied and hung around our metal four poster bed. As I drifted off to sleep, the dream’s images were formed from shadows and those wispy white things.

Details are hazy but I was literally running away from husband. He was in fast pursuit of me for some reason and I was terrified. Not really for my life in the sense that he was trying to harm me but it felt like I was being run into a corner, trapped.

Dream 2
I was sitting down on a couch with husband, about to watch tv. His wandering hands start pawing at me and trying to grope me. I stand up to reject him only to see his hands and arms have detached from his body, still trying to latch on to me. His face was now a blur but it was still him. I backed away to try and shake off the disembodied limbs but the kept crawling towards me.

I escaped out the back door to the backyard and slid the glass door shut behind me as soon as I could. The twisted, hands and arms were right up against the glass, scratching & pawing like zombie limbs, trying to open the glass door. I stood outside, looking at the limbs through the glass, seeing husband’s blank face and body still sitting on the couch like a rock in the background, unmoving. I was scared but now I breathed a sigh of relief.

The third one I cannot remember details about but I know it was about running away or leaving husband in some way, either literally or figuratively because when I woke up, I forgot the dream details but was unpleasantly surprised at the consistency of the night’s dream activities. It kind of put me into a depressive mode all afternoon.

12.17.12
I had moved back into my mother’s house into a spare bedroom (looked nothing like the real place). It was all white with sheer white curtains and a simple bed. There was a white dresser in the corner with a little CRT TV.

A TV program was on that was a variety show. There was some sining, some dancing. Then a sketch portion came on and my dad was in it, acting. I was very surprised to see him but was amazed to see how good he was. He was acting his ass off and he looked charismatic and impressive.

Then my mom poked her head in the door and commented on my dad on the show. She complimented him and saying he put on the stage make-up on his own as well. She said look closely to see what an amazing job he did because he looked years younger. I walked up closer to the TV so I could get a better look. Indeed his make-up job was fantastic. His face was so smooth and flawless. His skin-tone was healthy. In my head I thought about how his acting lessons have really paid off and how things are really gonna go well for him now after this TV performance.

(FYI – My dad is NOT an actor. He is, in real life, far, far, FAR from the person who showed up on the TV show in my dream.)

Shooting ‘Round the Neighbourhood

Dreams 10.18.12
It was fall time. I am running through a neighbourhood to a house that felt like it should be home. The streets had lots of trees, leaves rustling. I stop at the corner of a group of town-houses (a shortcut to get there faster) and I pause, catching my breath.

Then it’s early winter. I am going through the same neighbourhood again in a vehicle, looking out the window. I am in the passenger seat, not driving (not sure who was). I watch as another little asian woman, stockier than me running through the same route as I did before. I am her and me at the same time. Again, I get close to the house but stop at the corner, catching my breath, not reaching my destination. In the vehicle I think to myself that the house is close to the subway in distance but not enough. It would seem very far in the midst of winter and that walk would be a drag.

Now it’s midday, maybe spring. The leaves are greener on the trees. I am going to a house in a silver SUV. My mother drove. We park on the street corner about 2 houses down from our destination. We see a car go behind us and pull into the driveway of the house next to ours. We waited and watched before walking towards or house because I did not want the neighbour to see us. As we stood waiting I had a flash of memory that we had done “this” before. “This” being that we’ve shot a scene of the indie movie on our front lawn. I saw myself in the scene (may have been a commercial) dresses in black gothy clothes with medium length blue dyed hair, pale-ish make-up on.

Then we walk towards the house and my mother actually approached the neighbour still in his car and asked if he wanted to help during our shoot. I was annoyed but didn’t say anything.

Then we were inside the house that would be the location for the shoot. We were just using a very simple camera. I setup the shot, camera position, which would be static. I would be in the scene and all my mom had to do was press record. I was pacing back and forth as she ran off to another room with the old dude (the neighbour) to look for an unnecessary prop – a little spoon spatula thing. You know sometimes when you are at a beauty counter and the person scoops out a little sample of cream out for you into a little sample tub? That thing. I went to the door of the room where she and the old dude were. They were kneeling on the floor, backs toward the doors, looking through the piles of paper and whatever other shit accumulated in that room, for a tiny little spatula.

I wanted to tell them to just forget about it but she WAS being super supportive of helping me shoot this useless video for whatever purpose. So I went back into the next room and called my sister. We talked on the phone for a little while. I think I was opening mail which may not have been hers and telling her what the contents were. I also told her mom was looking for a tiny spoon.

Then the doorbell rang and I opened the doors to the kitchen into the hallway. I was in the house that I grew up in. My current dog trotted towards the door and paused to look back at me. I saw the old dude approach the door from the left hallway to open the left door while my mom opened the right. Even though my dog wasn’t trying to dash out, my instant reaction was fear. Fear that she would dash out of the house like my dog used to do, the one I had growing up.

It was bright outside. I could see the light spill in through the open doors. Someone was coming up the walkway towards the storm door but it was so bright and I was only halfway down the hallways that I could not make out who it was.

A Goopy Bloody Mess

Disclaimer!
Today’s dream recall is not recommended for male readers. It is sort of graphic in nature, in the lady cycles kind of way. Please be advised.

I tried to dream good memories with husband again, hoping it would be a more mutually connected type of memory. I was pretty tired though, actually slept a lot earlier than usual and maybe my auto-suggestion wasn’t quite so successful.

Dreams 08.03.12
I was at a black tie event with my husband. It was very glamourous, held in a building that looked part museum, part courthouse. It had very high ceilings, marble columns, square staircases, etc. I was wearing a black, floor length, deep-v, super slinky dress with a fine gold dangly chain sew just under the boobs. It was cut so there was a high middle slit at the front that came just shy of crotch. If an evil goddess took a bath and stepped out of the water, that’s the kind of dress she would step out in. She would slowly surface and with each step, it would appear that the surface of the water was wrapping around her head, then her body, to form this dress until she stepped all the way out fully clothed. I digress.

It was beautiful and elegant but very daring, much more so than anything I’d wear in real life. I felt taller in it. But I suppose even the dream-me had a bit of modesty. Draped around my neck was some kind of fur robe or stole that went all the way to my calves . I don’t even know what animal it was, just that it was the softest thing in the world against my arms. It also helped to hide the extra skin flashing from the dress’ frontal design.

I don’t remember much of the interaction with husband at this event. Honestly I don’t think there was much of it at all. I know I told him I had to go to the washroom but I didn’t at that point. I just wanted to leave his side and go explore the building.

His buddy from work who I also know, I’ve gone on many fishing trips with the two of them, saw me walking with purpose and he joined me in my stride. I must’ve looked upset because he asked me how are things and what’s wrong. From that I took it that he had some knowledge of husband and my current situation and I let my tongue loose just a little.

I said things are not great and I feel guilty, trapped and that I don’t want to be here. To my surprise he said to me, then just split your money and go. I don’t think I really responded to that. I was shocked to hear him say it. Then I suddenly had a terrible cramp, a shooting pain in my abdomen. Then I felt as if something were going to trickle down my legs like during my period. I needed to get to a bathroom right away.

While we were talking, we had walked upstairs and pretty far from the main party. I saw a women’s restroom door down the hall, on the side of the building that was dimly lit, probably closed off. I said excuse me to his work buddy and ran off towards to the restroom in a panic.

When I opened the door, it was a very small washroom. With only 2 stalls and one sink. The first stall was immediately to the left of the entrance door. To explain this better, imagine 4 units of space arranged in a square. The entrance door took up the bottom right. The sink & trash can took up the top right and the 2 stalls were on the left. That was it! There was even a restroom attendant jammed into the corner where the sink was. It was super cramped. I could tell that the stall further in was occupied so I quickly twirled myself into the first stall. Why twirl? Because I needed to in order to maneuver around the tight space.

Then I finally took a look at the surroundings. The fluorescent light flickered annoyingly, the floor was wet and filthy with tiny chunks of wet toilet paper, streaks of something and oh it’s gross just to think about it. I immediately picked up my skirts a little to keep it off the floor. Then I had to use the other hand to try and reach into my dress through the middle slit to maneuver my underwear, without dropping the fur stole or touching the walls too much, not touching whatever was leaking out of me, AND keep balance. It was difficult to say the least. The only thing I could think of was, what is that attendant doing here? Why is she not doing her job and what is the other person in the other stall doing?

When I reached between my legs, I found that I wasn’t actually wearing any underwear and I felt whatever was leaking out of me. I took my hand out to look and it was blood…but it wasn’t blood. It was supposed to be blood in the dream but the coloring was honestly more like goopy buffalo wing sauce. I looked from my hand to the floor and apparently I had leaked all over the place. I was disgusted with myself and panicking. Then I thought I was accidentally wiping what I had on my hands onto the fur stole, the dress. I was freaking out!

Then there was a knock on the restroom door and my husband’s work buddy asked if I was okay. He tried to open the door just a gap. The attendant dashed to the door and tried to block him out and I just didn’t know what to say. I was horrified by the mess I had made, embarrassed and felt disgusted with myself. I was basically covered in my mess and there was no way to clean it up. How could I walk out that door? How could I face my husband’s friend or ANYONE out there. How can I make my escape and still save my face?

Thoughts of Escape

Dreams 06.24.12

The order of things is jumbled once again.

I was sitting on the top bunk of a bunk bed, folding laundry. There were 2 other bunks directly to the left and right, forming 3 sides of a rectangle. The 4th side had a door. It was a tiny room. All the bunks were filled with girls. We had just returned from some presentation by the leader. I think I was in a cult.

I remember that we were discussing the presentation and there were many parts that I was skeptical about yet everyone else seemed to be totally onboard so I was quietly folding thinking how to get myself out.

Then I was with my bff and another girl. It was a club outing and we were all dressed up. We must’ve exited a club because we were hanging around by a steel oil barrel/garbage can – the kind you see in bad neighbourhoods in movies, set on fire by bums. We were hanging out chatting with a couple other guys. One was a tall, lanky middle-eastern guy with a neatly trimmed mustache. He seemed to be eyeing me with interest. I wasn’t sure if I was interested or just wanted out of the cult.

Then we parted ways and I was in a public washroom with my bff and this other girl, who had gone into one of the stalls. Bff was freshening up at the sink and I just remember carrying a lot of small things, trying to juggle them on – wallet, keys, a drink, etc. Both hands were full and I had stuff held in my armpits too. As I was juggling I was still thinking about escaping from the cult.