Fear of Anxiety

I had several dreams again this week and maybe the last as well where I did not write them down immediately. I thought I’d write down this morning’s but it’s actually just slipped away from me.

This dream scene happened this past Saturday. I had to not sleep in and wake up to let a contractor in to quote for some work around our place. I woke up multiple times that night expecting it to be morning, afraid to miss my alarm and each dream I returned to after waking I had the same feeling of dread and that was a direct result of this scene.

Dreams 07.08.17

Not sure what I was looking down at. It may have been stacks of magazines or upside down bowls on a table. I was in a place where the tables were wood and the furniture was modern but the environment felt familiar. I lifted a magazine/bowl to uncover hundreds if not thousands of cockroaches creeping and crawling underneath. As soon as they saw the light of day, they scurried as one mass with crawly edges down the table, across the floor, disappearing into shadows. I followed and overturned other objects in the room, terrified to find them again yet equally horrified that they had disappeared without a trace. I was worried they would return to give me a fright when I was least ready.

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Still fuzzy…

Recall is definitely still fuzzy but I am remembering more feelings and shapes without specific effort. Maybe the trick is not to force the memories and they will come on their own.

Dreams 04.21.17
There was something that I did, something that felt like some kind of ritual, which I didn’t think worked in the dream at first. I remember rushing into a little sunken corner used bookstore of some sort. Maybe I was running away from something or just dodging. It didn’t feel like there was imminent danger.

The bookstore itself was extremely messy. There were a few bookshelves against the walls full of books but they were inaccessible because there were stacks and stacks of books just pulled up at different heights, not neatly, just all at different angles on the floor. I think the carpet was a gross dingy dark red, ripped at places, just really worn like it hasn’t been cleaned in thirty years. I can’t remember if there was someone in the store or not. I don’t think I was looking in particular but I expected a shop keeper I suppose. There might’ve been a backroom that I discovered which I may or may not have gone through. It was also around this backroom door that I got the feeling that whatever ritual I had performed earlier on the dream may actually have worked. Something, a being or an energy, maybe just a feeling, had been summoned and it was “coming for me”.

Then I remember walking with a couple friends (no faces that I can recall, just people in my dream that I was hanging with) through this underground area. It reminded me of the large, Bauhaus styled, monstrous grey structures in the beginning of the old Total Recall movie. We were headed down, further underground, rushed as of we were attempting to catch a train. We were just having fun running around this big building though. I got a sense that if we missed whatever we were supposed to catch, it did not really matter. Everywhere we went there were no other people, just empty grey walls and floors, a gloomy playground of dead concrete. While running down a flight of stairs, we encountered 2 other people running the opposite way. When they rounded the corner of the stairs and saw us, they split and went around us on opposite sides of the stairs. As they passed I felt that feeling again like the thing I may have summoned by ritual was there, following me but not quite with me.

I had a mild fear of this thing that I did not know but at the same time I wanted to meet it, reluctantly.

Back Alley Tryst

I twisted and turned quite often last night. Felt very crowded. I woke up in the night a few times with my husband’s head right next to mine, almost touching my shoulder and it made me really uncomfortable. I tried to think of things to distract me and it resulted in the only dream I remember from last night.

Dreams 03.25.13
I was walking hand in hand with the tall drink to a back alley where cars from the nearby residential low rise apartments were parked. We were either just returning from a date or about to go on one. I looked up at him and he kissed me, and then again and again, small but intentional pecks at each other with smiles and googly eyes in between.

And then it was too much. I stopped myself and leaned in for a big hug then I stepped back. He looked at me sheepishly and he looked different than he does in real life, a mix of features of the real person and a celebrity I used to love in my teens. I stumbled, reaching for words but nothing would come out. He started, “You’ll be divorced in what, like 6 months, right?” I responded, pained to tell him and it hurt to acknowledge it to myself, “I don’t know what my timelines are…”

Then he came close to hug me and I suddenly felt the fear that husband would look out a window from the apartments above. I pushed the tall drink back against the wall, out of sight and held him. I looked at him in the eye and without saying a word explained that I lived in fear of his tantrums, that I wanted to be free to accept all possibilities that I wanted but am trapped but that i was so happy just being here right now. The tall drink was mildly offended that I wanted him out of sight but when he saw what was in my eyes, he just held me without saying a word.

Late for a Farm-dez-Vous

Dreams 11.15.12
I had an appointment at 7pm with a guy who owns a farm in the middle of nowhere. I think the official purpose of the appointment was for me to interview him but the secret purpose was really that I would seduce him and he would fuck me all over his dirty farm. I was very excited about the idea.

However, I had also made plans before the appointment to go shopping at an ikea type store, just browsing furniture. At the store, a few of us walked into an area where the demo space was setup like a big, maybe 15×15 one room apartment. There were wooden shelves and wardrobe built right into the walls. It was a darker wood with an obvious grain pattern. On the “cubby” shelves near the bed there were white plastic containers that were divided into 3 compartments places for books. When I saw them, I pointed them out to my friend, who is moving into the city soon irl. He looked at them and started to imagine his new place out loud. He took a couple of steps back as he did this and being a tall guy, he had basically put his ass into another female coworker’s face. She was sitting on the bed talking on the phone.

I started to laugh out loud, cackling. My boss who was on a ladder, checking out the higher shelves, asked what I was laughing at. I told him but he looked like he didn’t really understand why I found it so funny. The friend who was moving soon said to him, she just enjoys humorous situations fully and freely. That wasn’t exactly what he said but it was something to that effect.

Then I was in a clothing store with my mother, browsing but I wasn’t directly beside her. I was flipping through the hangers of clothes, checking out all the stuff on sale. A lot of the clothes had a retro feel feel to it with color blocked designs or geographic patterns.

Then I realized the time was getting close to my appointment with the farmer. I began to get anxious. I knew there was a group of school kids visiting the farm on a field trip that would be leaving soon. In my head I was making up stories and reasons why I shouldn’t go there on time. For example, the field trip is running late, if I showed up early it would be disruptive. Or, if I left now my mother would be all alone, let’s just wait until she is done with this store.

Eventually 8pm came around and I was just making my way to the farm then. I remember walking up towards the barn at dusk, up the dirt path from the main road, just nervous and anxious as hell because I was so late. I wondered if the farmer has lost all interest in me.