Ice Cream Bars and Cougaring

Caught up on sleep on the night before but also going into the forgetful parts of the month now. I distinctly and intently told myself “I will be lucid tonight.” If it happened I do not remember. The night before I kind of said the same suggestion to myself too but was distracted. Maybe the suggestion only works if it’s a semi subconscious.

Dreams 08.29.12
I was sitting on the floor with another guy. To one side of the large classroom were 4 to 5 school desks. Some people sat in them. They were adults and so was I. A lady (the teacher) walked by and gave the guy beside me a chocolate dipped ice cream bar. I reached out for one too but she kept walking away.

I leaned back to prop myself up with my elbows and watched this guy crunching and licking away at his treat, wishing I had one too. He is not really a slob but when he takes a bite out of one side and a drop of cream falls on his shirt, I think to myself, that’s not how you eat an ice cream bar you slob. Then he looks at me, his bar only half eaten and offers to give me the rest of the bar. I am only reluctant in my mind. Outwardly I am happy and pretty much snatch the rest of the bar out of his hand.

I licked away at the now sloppy, drippy ice cream which was getting all over my hand. The guy just watched me. When the ice cream bar was done, I started licking the cream off my fingers. Aware that the guy next to me and some of the males sitting at the desk were ogling my semi-sexual hand licking, I leaned back to lie flat on the floor to avoid theit gaze, still licking slowly at the cream and chocolate on my fingers, savouring the taste.

Then I was doing a walk and talk with my bff through a highschool hallway. It was busy and the hallways were pretty full, the classes must be switching. I see a young guy who looked exactly like Heather Graham come down a set of stairs and merge into our pathway. I stop him and started talking to him, asking if his sister was Heather Graham. He was startled at first but he must’ve thought I was only a year older than him. He was two heads taller than me, adorable with beautiful blond hair and bright blue eyes. From his height, looking down at me, his instinct kicked in and he kind of started to flirt with me as we talked about his much older sister. Then he walked away to another set of stairs that led up.

I yelled out to the kid, “I’m two times older than you by the way!” But he did not hear, neither did anyone else but bff. Under my breath I said to myself, “But if I was younger, I’d go for it.” Bff laughed.

Dreams 03.20.12

I was at a house party, leaning against a wall. I was surrounded by a couple guys. The one on the left was his ex’s cousin who in real life just left his other ex (the one who lived at our house). The one on the right was some dude I used to know in film school, the one who, on a regular night out to a bar between two friends (or so I thought), dropped me off at home at end of night, gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and lunged at me for a kiss.

I remember not feeling too comfortable with these two but I could keep them at bay. Then my husband (who I knew of in the dream but he wasn’t my husband nor were we friends, just a guy I know) approaches with his drunk friend. This one I do not recognize in real life. They just kind of zoned in on me between these other two fat idiots. The drunk friend just came up, pressed his body against me, hand on my waist and started making drunk conversation. I remember drunk flirting back even though I wasn’t drunk at all.

Then I was fumbling in my pocket for my cigarette case and drunk guy fumbled for his phone because he thought I had my phone and was going to use the opportunity to ask for my number. Somehow he ended up resting 2 of his phones on my left boob and still fumbling for the “right” phone, which was apparently still in his pocket. My stance was slightly leaned back and seeing him act foolishly I started laughing and the phones slipped down my chest.

Then I made a lame joke about how my rack isn’t good enough but this drunken simpleton didn’t even understand. He tried to ease my insecurity about my small breasts and said something like no they are lovely. I just smiled and thanked him but yelled over the loudness of the party, NO I MEANT THEY AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH AS RACKS, TO HOLD UP STUFF! Then he “got” it but still looked confused. I just kept smiling and tried to enjoy the rest of the party.

I’m pretty sure there was a lot more that happened before in this dream. I feel like I had more of it when I first woke up this morning. Whatever progress I made before seems to have all gone backwards. Why are all my memories so slippery?

I’ve been looking up vitamins and supplements, about Alpha Brain, galantamine, acetylcholine, etc. Then I wondered if there were things in my diet that could help improve my dreaming. And I thought about mushrooms, ayahuasca, ibogaine, and about psychedelic drugs. I have never done any because I am afraid of getting physically sick. The only thing I could try is possibly mushrooms but ick! Also I have not heard any of my friends having any “spiritual” vision but maybe you have to seek it in order to get it.

I guess I just really want to see and experience a vision or a series of visions that could clarify the fog in my head. I don’t really know if I necessarily want to use tweak my system with drugs or supplements to get there but obviously I don’t have a lot of control over mind or body yet.

I just NEED to remember more. I NEED to be able to talk to me, subconscious me, the true me, the best me. I NEED to become lucid, to control who I see or talk to. One step at a time.

It was very nice yesterday because my husband made dinner which freed up time so that we walked the dog together after tv & digestion. Then I was able to keep walking/running around the block a few more times.

Hmm, just a thought. I always give up, rest or go slow after a short while of exercising. I wonder if I could run until exhaustion with an alertness and emptiness of mind. Then when body collapses from exhaustion, would my brain shut off or would my consciousness keep running in dream mode?

Dreams 03.05.12

Last night’s dream involved some recurring events. Although I don’t remember the first time the events played out but in the dream, I knew they had happened before or at least in a similar fashion.

I was me outside my body and had to protect the real me from not getting “hurt” while being true to myself and being able to enjoy life. Most of all I was trying to keep real me from one man. I did run into this man a couple times in the dream and saw his face but he didn’t seem to correlate to anyone in real life. He was Chinese or at least Asian though.

Most of the dream I was following real me as she was out and about town. There was some weird architecture and a lot of super slopey walkways. At one point she met 2 guys who were just sitting, chilling, having some beers with a couple other people. They were just outside in a side alley on some folding chairs. They seemed to have sexual intentions with her but we sat with them anyways. We had some laughs and some drinks.

The guy I had to keep real me from showed up a couple times. Once along the corridors of a mall. Another time I think we were just out along the street. Protector me intercepted and physically pushed him away as he approached before real me had a chance to even see him. Seemed like he was stalking real me.

Anyways, I wish I remembered more details from the dream but I woke up in the middle of the night again to let the dog out. This dream happened during the first sleep cycle and since I didn’t get a chance to stay in bed and not move, much of the details just faded away.

I’m very happy about this dream though, having two me’s in it at once. Although we didn’t directly interact I think I am getting closer to my goal of conversing with myself.

I want the next one to be me as real me, speaking to protector me, or the other variations of me.

Progress! This is exciting!

On a side note, I read a report yesterday titled Perceived Support for Promotion-Focused and Prevention-Focused Goals from Northwestern University:

http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/Molden_Goal%20Support.pdf#page=3

It’s basically a study on the measure of satisfaction in unmarried and married couples in correlation to the amount of perceived support they receive from their partners. At the top of page 3, it listed the items/questions used to measure perceived goal support and it really kind of opened my eyes to some of the reasons why I feel the way I do about marriage right now.

For both promotion and prevention-focused goals, I would have to answer No to all of it. A little disconcerting that’s for sure. I think I will go through our responses from the questionaire on “compatibility” and possible “issues” from our marriage prep course again just to get more perspective.

I think I am also getting very close to answering the question I posed myself in the post More Reflections from Feb 25. Just need to organize my thoughts a bit more to write it down…