Still fuzzy…

Recall is definitely still fuzzy but I am remembering more feelings and shapes without specific effort. Maybe the trick is not to force the memories and they will come on their own.

Dreams 04.21.17
There was something that I did, something that felt like some kind of ritual, which I didn’t think worked in the dream at first. I remember rushing into a little sunken corner used bookstore of some sort. Maybe I was running away from something or just dodging. It didn’t feel like there was imminent danger.

The bookstore itself was extremely messy. There were a few bookshelves against the walls full of books but they were inaccessible because there were stacks and stacks of books just pulled up at different heights, not neatly, just all at different angles on the floor. I think the carpet was a gross dingy dark red, ripped at places, just really worn like it hasn’t been cleaned in thirty years. I can’t remember if there was someone in the store or not. I don’t think I was looking in particular but I expected a shop keeper I suppose. There might’ve been a backroom that I discovered which I may or may not have gone through. It was also around this backroom door that I got the feeling that whatever ritual I had performed earlier on the dream may actually have worked. Something, a being or an energy, maybe just a feeling, had been summoned and it was “coming for me”.

Then I remember walking with a couple friends (no faces that I can recall, just people in my dream that I was hanging with) through this underground area. It reminded me of the large, Bauhaus styled, monstrous grey structures in the beginning of the old Total Recall movie. We were headed down, further underground, rushed as of we were attempting to catch a train. We were just having fun running around this big building though. I got a sense that if we missed whatever we were supposed to catch, it did not really matter. Everywhere we went there were no other people, just empty grey walls and floors, a gloomy playground of dead concrete. While running down a flight of stairs, we encountered 2 other people running the opposite way. When they rounded the corner of the stairs and saw us, they split and went around us on opposite sides of the stairs. As they passed I felt that feeling again like the thing I may have summoned by ritual was there, following me but not quite with me.

I had a mild fear of this thing that I did not know but at the same time I wanted to meet it, reluctantly.


I’m Only Happy When It Rains

Dreams 10.29.12
What I remember about last night’s dream is that there were variations of a theme where a storm is coming, I am in the midst of it to see it hit and something about the storm turns out to be surprising and wondrous and I have a moment where I get lost in the beauty of it. I only remember pieces of some parts of the dream though.

I am walking through an old city with a group of people like a walking tour group. To be honest, the city looked like how Israel looks in movies. Or the city where the Disney cartoon Aladdin took place. The point is that the houses were sandy colored buildings with squarish holes in the walls for windows. (Sorry if this is totally ignorant of me.) The streets were narrow, some places covered in stone and the whole city was built on various hills so there were inclines and downhill areas on the path we walked along. The leader of the group mentioned that we should head back to a safe place because the storm was on its way. I paused to look out a “window” punched out of a wall that overlooked the city. In the distance there was a mountain so the city was at the foot of these hills.

I could see the dark storm clouds moving really quickly, rolling into the mountain, casting a shadow over the city below, drenching it in rain. Big but sparse droplets had already started falling where I stood. It was almost where I was.

Just beyond the clouds on the left, the sun was setting. It gave the edges of the storm a deep reddish orange glow. It also made the edges of the wet city seem like they were overlaid in gold. I took this in and thought about how amazing it looked. Just then the storm poured buckets of rain on me but I had a smile on my face, one that no one else could see or understand as I alone peered out this window.

In another part of the dream, I sat in the rear passenger seat of an SUV. I was on a road trip with 4 other people. The landscape outside the car was like many scenes that I think come from the movie Twister – vast expansive, moving grey skies and flat green fields. We were driving along the empty highways, very aware that storm clouds hung over us, gathering momentum.

At one point, we stopped at a three-way intersection because we could see a wall of what looked like mist (we knew it was rain) moving from the left of where we were to the right, so coming directly our way. It looked dense. We decided to just stop driving and sit through until it passed so we waited for about 10 seconds and just braced ourselves. It came so fast, it looked like there was a lot of force in the wind. We didn’t expect any windows to break but certainly thought the rain hitting the car would sound like loud thuds in the metal.

As the wall approached the howling sounds of the wind became terrifying. Everyone including me had our heads down, looking at the floor. When the wall of rain did “hit” the car, it was like it just caressed the vehicle and brushed right by us. The wind and sound of rain was still sounded really loud. I looked up and saw dense white streaks (the rain) in front of us.

However, when I looked to the right, down the road, there was a glow of white sunlight behind all the storm clouds and the rain droplets were back lit. I suddenly had this slow motion perspective of the water droplets that had just blown past us. They were like little strings of round micro-pearls, snaked into random configurations. I saw another cluster pass by just at the front of the car and followed it with my eyes. The cluster wiggled around and seemed to be “talking” to me, waving hello and goodbye.

I looked around the car at my colleagues/friends, whoever they were, still hunched over trying to hide from the storm. I looked back out through the front window assessing just how bad the wind and rain was. Then I decided it was actually pretty bad so I wasn’t about to walk around outside, nor should we continue the drive. However, it was too interesting, amazing and beautiful to miss. So I kept looking to the right towards the sunlight and the back lit rain, happy that I had a chance to see it.

Also at one point my dad was in the dream, don’t remember which part, telling me to just take care and be careful.

A Hidden Door and Riding a Small Bike

Commuting on the bus as usual this morning thinking I had lost all memory from last night’s dream. Then a girl with a backpack riding a motorcycle went by, jogging my recall. It’s still not the full story but enough to write about.

Dreams 10.26.12
I walked into a hotel room. It had dark grey walls but very high ceilings. The light was either not on or dimmed. The only light came from the bathroom which was every inch covered with a swirly greyish beigh marble. Above the mirror was a bank of lights, not decorative at all or fitting to the rest of the decor. It was simple, like the lights they install on a makeup table, backstage at a theatre.

I think I was talking to another person who was in the room, only there wasn’t really any verbal talking. They were there but insubstantial. Almost like a ghost. Well I mean they kept shifting into different people and just seemed like they were not physically present. I recall talking to this being which at one point was my mom, another point my husband and at another points other people whom I cannot remember now. I do remember removing my lounge pants so that they dropped down around my ankles. I stepped out of them and peered into thee A mirror.

All I saw a reflection back out in the hallway, a grey door that led to the next room, only there should’ve been a wall behind the mirror, behind me. The door had a raised frame but because everything was colored the same, were it not framed by the mirror, it could have easily been missed. I don’t know what else happened here.

Next bit I can recall, I am outside riding up a driveway on a very small, low powered motorcycle. It had such little power I thought it was a scooter that just looked like a motorcycle. But it was like a cartoon, like it had life in it. Everytime I turned the throttle on the handlebars, they would move closer together than kind of release it back out. It was like the bike had to take a deep breath, make a lot of effort and whatever it breathed back out was the extra gas I was trying to give the engine. But still, it didn’t go very fast, just loud.

The driveway was curved, to the right and on an incline. I approached some open black gates, beyond them was a mansion. However there were a bunch of kids playing and laughing just in front. I remember worrying about the kids but my bike was so slow I didn’t stop. I remember actually knocking a kid over as I rode by, not with the bike but with my arms and legs that were sticking out the side.

I rode past the gates up to the circular driveway in front of the mansion. A few friends including df were there. They were doing something on the lawn, maybe playing a game. When I stopped the bike, they all stopped and started to come towards the bike to gather around me, df was first, closest. All the while, they were making fun of me or asking curious questions about the bike but not in a mean way. They were showing interest. Before df could actually reach the bike, he was basically about 2 feet away, I kick started the engine and rode off, wobbly then righted my balance. I wanted badly to stick around but something in me told me I had to go, before he/they reached me, that it wasn’t a good idea.

I rode past the gates going the other way, zoomed past the kids and turned the curve left sharply this time, leaning my body into the curve. Since the bike was so small and low, I ended up dragging my left toe on the ground breifly. The last thing I remember was that I glanced down at my left show to check for damage/injury and silently thanked god to see that it was fine – just a bit worn, scratched and scuffed.

Dark Mirrors and Vomit in the Corner

Today’s recall is pretty bad. My dog must have some kind of bug so she woke me up three times between 1 to 7am to go do her business. I may need to take her to the vet tomorrow…

Dreams 08.28.12
This one, I remembering wandering around in a dark house. There really isn’t much detail. I think I was aware that other people should be in this house as well but I did not see them. I remember walking up to a mirror, seeing my own image but something in me automatically said out loud, “You are dreaming, you are dreaming, do a reality check!” I can’t remember what reality check I actually did, usually I look at my hands. So for a very short period I was lucid, semi in control of this dream. It wasn’t even like last time where there were things happening, changing, shifting constantly. It wasn’t like grasping a handful of sand at all.

This time was more like being teleported into a solid rock where you are fully aware of being there yet nothing is happening and probably nothing else is going to happen. I was in a dark grey room, in front of a mirror. That was all. I was once again unprepared to do what I want to achieve with lucid dreaming. I totally forgot my objective, just kind of blanked out. So then I tried to summon a familiar, safe thing (ie. df) but it’s been so long, guess he isn’t so familiar anymore. The thought was so intangible, absolutely nothing happened. Then I don’t know what came next and I woke up for the first time in the night.

In the second dream, I kind of had a false awakening except I was obviously not in my room at my mom’s house, not in the basement. It was brighter. I looked down to the left side of the bed, in the corner. I could see one of the dog’s rope toys and bits of doggy vomit. Then I vaguely recall the whiney guy from work cursing about the vomit…and in the dream I was just about to get up to clean it up. Then woke up to the dog’s whining in real life and let her outside again. Also somewhere in this dream, I saw a blue, rubbery hollowed out cube with shapes cut out on the sides. It was either a dog’s or kid’s toy.

After that there was only an hour and a half left before I was supposed to get up for work. I thought maybe I could try to chain myself back into that first dream with the dark room, since for some reason, it was somewhat fresh in my mind. But it didn’t really work and I don’t think I dreamed at all this third cycle because the dog woke me half an hour before alarm time.

Paper Planes on the Courthouse Steps

I know I am missing many many parts of last night’s dream(s) but I think part of last night’s intention was fulfilled. I told myself that I wanted to dream of good memories of spending time with my husband. I’m trying to do this thing where I reinforce my good memories of us being together so I no longer attach “us” with intense emotional pain and hurt only. I’ve tried to do this in real life but it always seemed that with every positive memory, I could immediately relate it to a negative one that occurred within hours of the same event. And those positive memories are few in my waking mind. Therefore I figured I would try to find them or even create them from memory fragments in my dreams. The motivation is lacking but even these things need practice.

Husband and I are tourists, walking around a big city. We stopped in front of a huge courthouse / greek temple looking building. The steps were as wide as the whole length of the building. It had large round fluted columns, the triangle roof structure – just classical. The city was kind of grey and so was this courthouse. We stopped just in front because we wanted to hail a taxi so we were just waiting. I stood, leaning against my husband, arms around his arm. His hands were in his pocket. His attention was focused on the street.

I looked up at the sky, at the surrounding buildings and just took in the uniform greyness of the city. Breathing in its essence, enjoying it in its natural state. I let myself disappear for a moment.

Then as if I was filming over my shoulder behind me (I was eavesdropping), I saw another couple walk hand in hand past the courthouse. On the steps an old chinese homeless man sat on the steps. He was intently folding a paper airplane with brown paper towel, the kind you find in public washrooms. He stood up when complete, not particularly happy but there was an air of accomplishment and excitement to him. Then he launched the plane, upwards into the air. My vision followed it as it went up, caught a draft and did a loop then glided slowly along the steps of the courthouse. For a brief moment, I just saw an overhead shot of the brown plane, sailing over a grey ocean of steps. Then I was under it, looking up from below seeing sky and courthouse roof in the background. It was like I could see the air flow above and below the wings (like an aerodynamics diagram) lifting and creating its movement.

Then the couple said something mean about the old man. The man whispered it, the girl snickered and said something else in return. Nothing horrible but derogatory nonetheless. I pawed at my husband’s chest with my right hand to get his attention. I asked if he heard what they said, saying I couldn’t believe they were being so mean/judgmental. I was kind of laughing at the couple for being haters, at how silly their sentiments were. My husband laughed too but he was laughing at their remarks in agreement. I wasn’t mad at him but was a little put off.