In Search of Perfection but Let’s Throw Caution to the Wind

Dreams 03.24.13
I was walking through crowded highschool hallways and I could hear music around the area where my locker was. It was some dance music. Generic and not really bass heavy enough for my tastes. I figured people who weren’t my friends hung around my locker so I turned around. I walked by a classroom door with a list of courses starting soon. They interested me so I decided to to to the guidance counsellor. I wanted to see if I could take them, sit through without doing the assignments on top of my already full load.

I go outside to the super green school field. I walked around the whole building surveying the grounds and find an area with a gate. Suddenly I saw the gate and field beyond it in perfect sideways isometric view in full color. I was able to see it in relation to the field, the forest and the main road in neighbourhood. It was perfectly located for the starting line of the kids play race. Then I was standing in the field looking back at the gate with a long lense. Then i saw the group of kids round the building and run through the gate in a hoard, in slow-mo.

Next, I was a passenger in a car with my mom, her bf and husband going west on the 401. We pass by a big amusement park / mall. Then we were inside this complex and I realized the mall was owned by a Chinese mall management corporation called “Galleria”. Everywhere I looked there were Chinese stores. I found myself loudly discussing the fact that I had no idea this place was out in the middle of nowhere and I was flabbergasted as to why they built it here since no one would get to use it. But when I looked around it was just the right amount of busy.

Then I was going out into a small yard from the back door of a house. It was a small garden with barely a path, surrounded by vines and shrubs. I looked down the narrow walking dirt path and found that it was perfectly covered in my dog’s shit for the net two feet in front of me. Carefully I stepped over it to look at a bunch of pots stacked in different levels at the end of the dirt path about 6 feet ahead. Upon looking closely I saw some growth that were probably herbs and others that may have been weeds. Overall though it seemed like the garden was just growing wild and uncared for. I asked openly at no one in particular what plants were these and someone from behind me answered that there was basil, some thyme, some unknown name, etc.

I turned to the left and back to face the house. The house was not big and neither was the yard but where from where I stood there was a little sand pit with a giant yellow metal swing set that looked way too big to be functional. Estimating the swing’s pendulous peak, it looked at though the user would probably smash right into the brick of the house. But it was a swing so I had to try anyway.

I felt a little silly because the tall drink of water I met on vacation was inside the house and might see me make a fool of myself. But I said in my head, fuck it swings are awesome, so I turned around, sat down in the rubber seat and pushed off. Then a little blond girl resembling the one I met in UK came running out of the house wanting to play on the swing as well. I was happy to see her wanting to share this swinging experience together. Then the tall drink came out of the house just behind the girl, ducking below the crowded archway of vines. He was smiling at us both. It was comforting to see.

I remembered this later in the day when I passed by some paintings. At one point I was standing beside another person, looking down on wet paint on a canvas, the person was to my left I was on the right. The colors of paint on the canvas resembled Starry Night by Van Gogh with deep blue and purplelish hues with some yellow highlights. The color ratios were very similar to the famous painting and it was painted in wavey horizontal lines more or less. I remember liking it fine the way it was but at the same time felt the need to stick my index fingers right onto the wet paint and pushed the yellow areas around.


Sleepovers, Shower Stalls, Sets, Speeches & Signals

Got about 5 full hours sleep last night and pretty sure I had 3 dreams and woke up at least twice. After the last dream, I did at one point remember everything but when I started to replay the details of the 3rd dream to myself, everything from dreams 1 and 2 disappeared. And then I snoozed and a lot of the beginning of dream 3 melted away as well.

Dreams 09.19.12
Furthest thing back in this dream that I can remember. I was in a highschool or university hallway. It was packed shoulder to shoulder with students and it was in the middle of the night. This was an event that happened once a year at Halloween where all the dorm rooms were open to strangers who would gather and party all night. The whole event ended in an assembly in the auditorium. I was waiting with the rest of the herd with a friend. He was brown, not df, actually he isn’t anyone I know irl, just a random element in my imagination. We looked at each other in anticipation and reached out and gave each other a hand squeeze. Then “they” fire the starting fun and the herd was let out down hallway. We spilled into the empty rooms, jamming in wherever possible.

My friend and I was pushed along with the herd into a room that had about 12 gym room shower sized stalls on each side. Actually each stall was also tiled like a shower stall. We actually were not able to nab a stall in this room so we slowly made our way out back into the main hall in search of another space to lay low for the night.

There’s a big chunk of the dream missing here. I’m not entirely sure if we found another room. I just know that later on, I snuck back into this same shower stall room, looked around to make sure no one was awake and went into the first stall on the left when you enter the room. The stall had someone else’s belongings on the floor. I recognized it as belonging to someone who had been extremely rude to us earlier. I lifted up my skirt, opened my legs and just pissed on their pile of belongings for revenge.

After that I remember myself in the POV of a camera on a dolly, tracking 2 people walking alongside a pedestrian street, in front of a bunch of interesting and colorful shops, restaurants and cafes. We were weaving through pedestrians walking in the opposite direction as the two people walking wove through the opposing throngs as well. I remember really liking the shot as it was very dynamic and interesting but also very casual at the same time.

Later, in a more static POV, one of the walking people depart. The remaining person walks under some sort of canopy so she is in the shade. Eliza Dushku dressed in a red sequined blazer and black mini skirt and black pumps come up behind her. The first girl turns around, greeting her excitedly. Eliza puts up her hands to show the first girl her fresh manicure, gleefully exclaims how happy she is with the color, the sparkle, etc. She was waving her hands in front of her chest and almost jumping for joy the way girls sometimes do when they are excited. From that, I understood somehow that I was in the middle of a movie set and we were just waiting for the next set up.

After that there’s another bit missing. I remember walking in the auditorium, all setup with round tables. People were seated but their attention was focused up on the stage. I walked with either my brown friend or somebody else and approached a table near the front. Someone there was about to go up on stage to make a speech but we had information for him to stop him or hopefully convince him to change the content of his speech. We went up to the table and the person we should’ve talked to stood up to adjust his clothes before going on stage. We were too late. Then I saw from the POV of the stage the person standing, looking up towards the stage. It was a much younger Clint Eastwood. I could see myself and the other person trying to inconspicuously go up to his table. Then I saw Clint walk away from the table to go on stage and me and the other guy JUST made it to the table. We were too late.

The last scene from this dream took place in the toy cars and model robots section of a toystore. All the boxes were stacked high. I was walking down one aisle, trying to be inconspicuous again, noticing a lot of big name products on display that were very intricately made and very cool. I was trying to sneak closer to two people fighting on the other side of a tower of display boxes, stacked about 2 meters high. When I was close to the boxes that blocked my way, I ducked down so I wouldn’t be seen.

In the aisle to my right, other members of my team were coming closer. We were supposed to sneak up and stop the fight and apprehend the two people involved. I was supposed to get a closer look and give the signal as to when they should move in. I don’t know what the two people were arguing about but the argument was becoming heated and they started to push each other around a bit. I looked behind me to the next aisle and made eye contact with my ex (highschool bf) to communicate that the time was almost right. He looked to his right to the squad leader who was also someone I knew but can’t recall right now. Then the pushing and shoving became more violent and I was just about to wave the signal for the team to go in when I woke up.

Ice Cream Bars and Cougaring

Caught up on sleep on the night before but also going into the forgetful parts of the month now. I distinctly and intently told myself “I will be lucid tonight.” If it happened I do not remember. The night before I kind of said the same suggestion to myself too but was distracted. Maybe the suggestion only works if it’s a semi subconscious.

Dreams 08.29.12
I was sitting on the floor with another guy. To one side of the large classroom were 4 to 5 school desks. Some people sat in them. They were adults and so was I. A lady (the teacher) walked by and gave the guy beside me a chocolate dipped ice cream bar. I reached out for one too but she kept walking away.

I leaned back to prop myself up with my elbows and watched this guy crunching and licking away at his treat, wishing I had one too. He is not really a slob but when he takes a bite out of one side and a drop of cream falls on his shirt, I think to myself, that’s not how you eat an ice cream bar you slob. Then he looks at me, his bar only half eaten and offers to give me the rest of the bar. I am only reluctant in my mind. Outwardly I am happy and pretty much snatch the rest of the bar out of his hand.

I licked away at the now sloppy, drippy ice cream which was getting all over my hand. The guy just watched me. When the ice cream bar was done, I started licking the cream off my fingers. Aware that the guy next to me and some of the males sitting at the desk were ogling my semi-sexual hand licking, I leaned back to lie flat on the floor to avoid theit gaze, still licking slowly at the cream and chocolate on my fingers, savouring the taste.

Then I was doing a walk and talk with my bff through a highschool hallway. It was busy and the hallways were pretty full, the classes must be switching. I see a young guy who looked exactly like Heather Graham come down a set of stairs and merge into our pathway. I stop him and started talking to him, asking if his sister was Heather Graham. He was startled at first but he must’ve thought I was only a year older than him. He was two heads taller than me, adorable with beautiful blond hair and bright blue eyes. From his height, looking down at me, his instinct kicked in and he kind of started to flirt with me as we talked about his much older sister. Then he walked away to another set of stairs that led up.

I yelled out to the kid, “I’m two times older than you by the way!” But he did not hear, neither did anyone else but bff. Under my breath I said to myself, “But if I was younger, I’d go for it.” Bff laughed.

Lalala Highschool Visions

Dreams 06.25.12

I was in a highschool or college. There was a musical rehearsal or a boy band rehearsal happening. And I was watching from the POV of a music video camera, shooting. I remember feeling sick from the sugary pop-y goodness.

Then I was packing things up. At the instructor’s desk, zann was on the phone with her husband. She was telling him about this amazing house in this rich neighbourhood she saw, comparing it to another awesome house elsewhere. It sounded like her husband was telling her to buy whichever one she liked. It’s like they were talking about everyday objects and she seemed to be gloating because she knew I could overhear her and made eye contact with me several times.

I was jealous that they were rich but I would never want to treat the buying of a house as an everyday occurence. It seemed too spoiled. I think I was most jealous that her husband valued her opinion and that she was given true freedom.

Then I was in a classroom and I think it was a study period. I was at the teacher’s desk at the front of the room even though I was not the teacher. An old elementary/highschool friend EL came up to me and asked if I was going to grab drinks. I was confused. She explained that we needed pop and drinks for the party after class, could I grab? I don’t think I really wanted to but as usual I couldn’t say no. So I ran out of the class and started to run down the hallway, presumeably in search of cases of pop. I ran from a sunlit corridoe into a darker hallway, past my boss’s boss.

Impossible Tests, Goldfish and Closets

Dream 1 – 04.29.12
I was walking with a group of students through a doorway into a small school gymnasium. There was loud, catchy, music playing, warming up the crowd for an event. The stage was to the right of the entrance and the crowd was to the left. By the look of it, the crowd was excited for what was coming, it was some kind of surprise concert or something. Seeing this, I was excited to see what was in store as well.

The group I was with was being herded to the back of the room where a bunch of long cafeteria benches were laid out. There were sheets of papers and pens set out along the tables for each person. I looked in disbelief at my colleagues. The event on stage had just begun, it was louder than before now. They were going to have us take a exam in the midst of this cacophony? I was upset.

I sat in my place and flipped the test paper over to skim the questions. They were all worded in ways that didn’t even make sense. There was no way anyone could answer these questions. I looked around to get a consensus from the group, who were all shaking there heads in disgust, wondering how they could do this to us.

Dream 2 – 04.29.12
There is something I cannot remember at the start of this dream. It was time to move so I was cleaning out the closet. Most of it is empty now and I discover a light fixture at the back of the closet with no bulb. I wondered why I never put a bulb in there but it’s too late now. I also thought that even with a bulb it, all the stuff in the closet would’ve blocked the light so it wouldn’t have made much difference.

I go out of the room and I was in my mom’s apartment which was nothing like the real one she lived in. This one had dark hardwood floors and it was just an empty living room. There was a standing lamp with shade and a small circular glass table. On the table was a porcelain figure and a small glass globular fish bowl with a bunch of fish inside. It was so crowded in there but I just knew there were 7 fish and I was horrified that they were all in such a small space.

I crouched down beside the bowl to get a good look and suddenly they all jumped out of the bowl. I panicked and looked around the floor so I could put them back in. I found the first 4 easily. They were all of the small, skinny orange variety. I scooped them up into my palms and plopped them back into the little bowl. The last 3: one was a slug, the next was a fat grub, and the last I cannot remember (I am writing this part in the afternoon so memory of it has gone).

I was pretty grossed out when I found the grub and just told someone about it. I did not pick it up myself. I may have told my mother that it was not right to keep 7 fish in a tiny bowl because the bowl changed into a larger tank, about the size of the crab terrarium that we owned. We may also have manually moved the fish there, I can’t remember exactly. What happened after this is uncertain.

Dream 3 – 04.29.12
I believe this dream happened during or after I had woken up from Dream 2. I was trying to recall it and must’ve drifted back to sleep.

I was writing Dream 2 events in my paper dream journal (the one I used to record dreams while on vacation) with a red ink pen. Although the dream journal was not anywhere near my bed in real life and I also no longer had a red ink pen. In the dream, I was just seeing my hand with this old red pen I used to like writing with, writing things down and kind of talking to myself as I recalled the dream.

When I looked up, I was reenacting the part of the dream where I was looking in the closet while cleaning up except this time it was different. This time I looked in the closet right after my husband had made custom shelves for it. He asked me if I liked the design. I stared at it for a while and thought, is this all there is to this closet? I also thought the custom shelf design (can’t remember actual layout) seemed a bit impractical. I didn’t communicate this verbally but I think he understood that I was concerned about the closet’s size because he said, “There’s another closet over there, I put shelves in there for you too.” I walked over to the other closet.

The layout of this master bedroom, which was empty at the moment didn’t make much sense. There was this main closet but then the other closet was on the perpendicular wall of the room and it was only the size of a linen closet. I thought this can’t be right, it wasn’t designed to be a second closet. This first, small closet was IT. Anyway, I opened the door to see what custom solution my husband had put in. There were 4-5 slanted shoe shelves. The shelves didn’t even fit end to end. It left about 12 inches of space to the right of them for hanging clothes.

I was speechless. Is this what he thought I needed? Just a lot of shoe space and no space for actual clothes? Again, this seemed very impractical.

Post-Tripping and Cunty Highschool Bitches


Dream 1:
Woke up in a day bed by a window. I think I was Just coming back up from a p. cube trip. Something I have never experienced but been considering lately in real life. I don’t remember much after that but there was probably more.

Dream 2:
I was in my old house getting ready in the morning. I took out and set the makeup I’d use on my old white vanity table then went to get dressed in the washroom. When I come back to the room and it had turned into a classroom but vanity was still in the corner. I looked around but there were no seats near the vanity so I took a seat in the next island of tables anyway.

The teacher started the lesson. She was going through slides on a projector and she kept going too fast. Myself and a few other students requested her to slow down but the bitch just kept on going, with a smirk on her face! In fact, she deliberately quickened her pace.

I was so mad after the class was over I was storming through the halls n locker-rooms searching for something. I think I was searching for something to destroy. In a narrow hall, 2 male classmates behind were snickering about something. They were not laughing at me specifically but just making fun in general. I considered backing kicking them in the face. Instead I just turned around and charged my way past them.

Down another hallway, I see the teacher’s slides just sitting there on a sitting ledge. As I approach them, in my head thinking of good ways to destroy them, the teacher’s pet cunt blocks my way. She smugly starts to set up a perimeter around the slides with mini cones and tape. The ridiculousness really upset me and I try to go forward but her thugs stopped me.

I was really pissed off so I just turn to leave. Fuming, I climb a square pillar and stand on its ledge hugging the column. I could see the escalator go by, with many people going up it, looking up to find me in an awkward position. I was hoping that I could step off the ledge and just get carried away by it.

Someone pulls my leg and tried to coerce me to get down. Apparently I was making a scene and it’s not good for the department store business.

Dreams 03.30.12

In a highschool, in some kind of chemistry lab. The lights are off. We were sneaking about.

Husband and I were stealing lab equipment and “ingredients” for a self-devised experiment.

I remember having a lot of doubt about the result of the experiment, remembering how fun and effortless our previous experiments were. As we were swiping equipment into a bag, I was very distinctly not feeling the rush.

Dreams 03.25.12

Dream 1:
This dream happened maybe around 4am either before or after. I know I slept quite a bit before waking up shortly in the nite.

I don’t recall all of it but a friend’s sister passed away. One of the sweetest, nicest and most genuine people I know. Even though I didn’t know her well, they were giving me the honor of being part of the funeral rites. It involved saying a few words and being part of the ceremony.

BigE and my Ex who are both flip, were trying to explain how I had to walk directly up to the open coffin, pick up this ceremonial stick, twisted and tied together crudely out of a few twigs, hold it between chin and neck, then lightly tap the deceased’s forehead, stomach and feet. They explained that this ritual was very serious and a big part of sending the deceased peacefully into the afterlife.

I remember being very nervous in the dream because I wasn’t sure if I would smack her in the face by accident or do something else wholly inappropriate.

Dream 2:
Interestingly, this second dream happened before my morning alarm woke me. So I had about 15 minutes or so where I drifted back while trying to remember my first dream. I think the bits I did remember allowed me to incorporate some of it into the second dream.

I was waiting in line outside a school auditorium, a pretty old school because all the colors were orange and brown, like in the 70’s. Waiting beside me were a couple of other guys each holding some kind of drum. One was a snare drum, like the ones used in a marching band, the other was bigger. I don’t know much about drums. These two were part of my “team”. They were Jonah Hill types, somewhere between big Jonah and now Jonah. (Roomie told me just before I went to bed that he saw 21 Jump Street last night.) Also in line were other people holding instruments.

Finally we were admitted into the gym where the organizers told us to sit on the floor to wait. Turns out we were auditioning to perform at my friend’s sister’s funeral. So we sat there quietly practicing.

The details of both dreams are not that accurate. I really should write it down as soon as I wake or record bits on a voice recorder but I sleep with someone. I do not want him to know exactly what I am dreaming about unless I volunteer the information. Nor do I want him to know that I am actively trying so hard to dream.

When I told him I was trying to lucid dream a few weeks ago in a moment when I was trying to share (perhaps testing myself and him a bit), the conversation just turned around on him and how he has lucid dreams sometimes. No questions about why I am doing it at all…I’ve even talked about my efforts since then, briefly, in passing. Nothing…

Dreams 03.23.12

I know there was more before but this is all I can remember. Baby steps…

My boss boss, dear friend and I were hanging out at home in the living room. It was actually what it looks like now. Boss boss was on the far side, dear friend sat in the middle of the side facing tv. There was music playing and I was dancing, pacing around the kitchen table area while they were prepping something. I think they were prepping weed for a bong or pipe although I didn’t actually see it. It had that familiar ritualistic feel to it. By ritualistic, I don’t mean it was silent and solemn. There was chatting and laughing but it is still part of THAT ritual.

Finally I approached the couch, sat on the far right, turned to face them, leaned back on the armrest and put my feet up on dear friend’s lap. I think he felt uncomfortable that I did that in front of boss boss.

Cut through the stuff I can’t quite remember. My old friend Zann from highschool and I were either skipping class or had just come out of a class. We were walking through a highschool and I think she was my girlfriend. Not in a highly sexual catholic lesbian schoolgirl way but more of a teenage girlfriends who are too close who have feelings for each other that have not been explored or discussed fully kind of way.

Anyway, we roamed about the school’s hallways. Several times I glanced at open classroom doors that we passed, searching for a familiar face. Whose? I do not know. Then we came to the end of the hall, which led to staircases that went up to somewhere unknown or into the basement, somewhere we knew would be unpleasant.

At this point I think Zann knew I was looking for someone, perhaps even who, even though I did not. We decided to go into the basement to look for this someone. After a few turns down narrow and grey corridors we arrived at a place that is typical of how Hell or Hades is depicted in movies and cartoons.

The ground was hard and cracked as far as the eye can see. It was dark everywhere although we could see about 250 feet or so before us clearly. The horizon in the distance just looked black, red and hazy, like something dangerous was out there. From where we stood, there was a slight slope down, leading to black iron gates. We knew we had to pass the gates to get to where we need in order to find this someone, so we ran towards the gate to have a look.

The bottom of the gates actually did not touch the ground. There was a large enough gap for us to roll under, had there not been barbed wire strung all across underneath the gate. We looked through the barbed wire in despair but could see a figure in the distance. It was a large, hulking human-like monster, sitting on a rock with his face down as if in thought.

As soon as we looked at him, he turned and saw us. He sprang to his feet and charged towards the gate at full speed. Just before he reached the gate he jumped high into the air, over the gates and landed on our side. Fortunately he landed on his side and his blacksmith’s hammer (although it was small because I could comfortably hold it in my small hands) fell to the floor and rolled towards me. I picked it up.

When I looked up Zann was already on top of him, trying to pin him to the ground. He was about twice the size of one of us. I rushed over and tried multiple times to knock him out with the hammer by swinging at the back of his head. I made contact everytime but each time the blow landed it just felt like a hard thud, nowhere near knock out power. A few times I just sat there on top of this monster of a man, perplexed and wondering. Do I just hit him again? How can I knock him down in a different way? All this while my friend was beside me, struggling to keep his legs and body still.

Finally Zann snatched the hammer from my hands and showed me that at the connection where handle met head, there was an ornamental part that had a really sharp tip. I took the hammer back and jammed the pointed end right into the monster’s left jugular. He was dead instantly, with a blacksmith’s hammer against his face. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much blood.

Then we were in the “desired” place. I don’t remember how we went from the hellish basement to here. “Here” was actually the top floor of the school where there was a large irregularly shaped pool that seemed to be everywhere on the floor. There was a tube slide that looked like it just wrapped around the entire floor but I couldn’t tell where it started. Here we ran into Bilbo (not the Hobbit, but my friend from highschool that bestie and I codenamed Bilbo). He was there with kids but I didn’t see them. This pool was super busy. There were kids all around. I’m not sure if Zann was still with me at this point but I remember the feeling that this place was not at all like I expected and felt disappointment.

Then I remember turning to leave and the exit was decorated in such a way that it reminded me of a carnival tent. So I felt a little excited, bit scared but also a little sad because this place, while fun for kids, was definitely no carnival.

Okay I know that doesn’t make much sense but that’s what I felt in the dream.

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