In Search of Perfection but Let’s Throw Caution to the Wind

Dreams 03.24.13
I was walking through crowded highschool hallways and I could hear music around the area where my locker was. It was some dance music. Generic and not really bass heavy enough for my tastes. I figured people who weren’t my friends hung around my locker so I turned around. I walked by a classroom door with a list of courses starting soon. They interested me so I decided to to to the guidance counsellor. I wanted to see if I could take them, sit through without doing the assignments on top of my already full load.

I go outside to the super green school field. I walked around the whole building surveying the grounds and find an area with a gate. Suddenly I saw the gate and field beyond it in perfect sideways isometric view in full color. I was able to see it in relation to the field, the forest and the main road in neighbourhood. It was perfectly located for the starting line of the kids play race. Then I was standing in the field looking back at the gate with a long lense. Then i saw the group of kids round the building and run through the gate in a hoard, in slow-mo.

Next, I was a passenger in a car with my mom, her bf and husband going west on the 401. We pass by a big amusement park / mall. Then we were inside this complex and I realized the mall was owned by a Chinese mall management corporation called “Galleria”. Everywhere I looked there were Chinese stores. I found myself loudly discussing the fact that I had no idea this place was out in the middle of nowhere and I was flabbergasted as to why they built it here since no one would get to use it. But when I looked around it was just the right amount of busy.

Then I was going out into a small yard from the back door of a house. It was a small garden with barely a path, surrounded by vines and shrubs. I looked down the narrow walking dirt path and found that it was perfectly covered in my dog’s shit for the net two feet in front of me. Carefully I stepped over it to look at a bunch of pots stacked in different levels at the end of the dirt path about 6 feet ahead. Upon looking closely I saw some growth that were probably herbs and others that may have been weeds. Overall though it seemed like the garden was just growing wild and uncared for. I asked openly at no one in particular what plants were these and someone from behind me answered that there was basil, some thyme, some unknown name, etc.

I turned to the left and back to face the house. The house was not big and neither was the yard but where from where I stood there was a little sand pit with a giant yellow metal swing set that looked way too big to be functional. Estimating the swing’s pendulous peak, it looked at though the user would probably smash right into the brick of the house. But it was a swing so I had to try anyway.

I felt a little silly because the tall drink of water I met on vacation was inside the house and might see me make a fool of myself. But I said in my head, fuck it swings are awesome, so I turned around, sat down in the rubber seat and pushed off. Then a little blond girl resembling the one I met in UK came running out of the house wanting to play on the swing as well. I was happy to see her wanting to share this swinging experience together. Then the tall drink came out of the house just behind the girl, ducking below the crowded archway of vines. He was smiling at us both. It was comforting to see.

I remembered this later in the day when I passed by some paintings. At one point I was standing beside another person, looking down on wet paint on a canvas, the person was to my left I was on the right. The colors of paint on the canvas resembled Starry Night by Van Gogh with deep blue and purplelish hues with some yellow highlights. The color ratios were very similar to the famous painting and it was painted in wavey horizontal lines more or less. I remember liking it fine the way it was but at the same time felt the need to stick my index fingers right onto the wet paint and pushed the yellow areas around.


The Aftermath of a Flood

Dreams 01.04.13
A new year and new dreams. I wonder if the the running theme will be different this year as things continue to change in my life.

Last night I dreamt of death and I did not want to remember the dream. I felt bad. It was the death of roommate’s sister. Just writing this gives me the creeps. She is a sweet and wonderful person. Come to think of it there was also another death in the dream. I think it was Irish. Both deaths occured and it came to me as news along the grapevine. There had been some sort of natural disaster, a big storm, perhaps some flooding. I remember riding around on a speed bike along park paths after the flood had receded. There were still large pools of water everywhere.

I tried to avoid the pools and had to go into the grassy areas but without thick treads on my bike tires, I kept getting stuck. I remember being mildly annoyed but I would walk the bike along whenever this happened.

Then I remember walking around a busy food court inside a mall. I was supposed to be searching for something I wanted to eat but the death of two wonderful people weighed in my mind. I wasn’t sure if it was real or imagined. I just roamed the busy mall thinking about them.

Then I was in an apartment building, my apartment building. I had been stuck there for a few days. I went into the living room where my two roommates were lounging about watching tv. One was my husband’s niece who I’ve come to think of as a friend and another girl I cannot pinpoint as a person from real life. I announced to them, but more to myself, that I was going to the gym. I needed to get out and get motivated. I asked if either of them wanted to join me. They kind of grunted/grumbled in response then went right back to looking at the tv. I resolved to go out on my own. I didn’t really think there would be any uptake on my invitation anyway.

Busy Station and a Pantsless Time

Dreams 11.03.12
I was inside a big mall or train station, could also be a mall connected to an airport. It was super crowded. I jumped onto a people mover, shuttle train thing. It started to move and I looked around and saw signs to the north west wing, knowing I need to go to the north east exit. The packed people mover was turning around.

With me was my midget jewish buddy (completely fictitious person from my dream) who is loudmouthed and abrasive. He was freaking out because he really wanted to get to the destination but also paranoid that there would be “racist fucks”, in his words, hidden amongst the other passengers. One big black guy sitting right in front of me started to get suspicious and turned in our direction. My little buddy snuck around to hide behind me and another passenger when he realized this.

The people mover went down one level, smoothly, as if we were going down an escalator then went up another track to the same level. That took us to the right wing. We arrived in a lounge area designed for gathering of passengers, a place to wait until the flight/train was ready for boarding. There was an elevator that would take us down to another shuttle which would drive us straight to the plane/train. I removed my one big suitcase from the people mover and dragged it across the lounge. I saw some familiar faces, one was df’s roommate. I mistakenly stepped into the elevator but knowing I’d come right back up, I didn’t try to rush out.

The elevator went down one floor and stopped. The stewardess/elevator operator said I had to put money in the coin slot or we wouldn’t be moving. What a scam, I thought. I fished out a handful of Thai coins and scrambled to find the right amount but all my coins were of a larger denomination than required. There was another person on the elevator, they pitched in and dropped in a coin and expected me to put in the rest. I had no choice but to put in a larger than needed amount. As soon as my coin dropped in, the elevator began to move up but the display on the panel showed that the excess amount had been transferred directory to the elevator company. Then the displayed went back to zero. Scam! But I just thought whatever and got out of the elevator back to the lounge.

Then I saw the arrival of all my mother’s luggage. There was a pile, a couple of suitcases, 3 multi-packs of paper towels, 2 big jugs of water and 4 6-packs of mustard. People started to gather round quietly commenting that it was too much luggage. I agreed with them and mentioned that I told her not to buy and bring all that.

Another dream
I just finished having sex with someone, not sure who, wasn’t even part of the dream. I went to my desk to sit down, with only underwear and a long button down shirt. I leaned back in the chair, a game controller in hand, legs up on the table and starred at the computer screen which was running what looked like Win95.

Then someone tapped my shoulder from behind. When I turned around to see that it was my cousin, the setting had changed into an office. I quickly sat up and rolled my chair close to the desk to hide my pantslessness.

My cousin said I know what happened with your parents, alluding to the fact that they had just gotten divorced. She walked back over to the opposite side of the bank of desks to sit down in her spot. She said we should get together and catch up. I agreed and suggested we invite more family friends so we could all chat.

Hovering through a Mall

I was able to fly. I had a drawstring backpack, a purse, my usual get-up for my work commute. And somehow with the way my backpack was on and me pumping my legs as if I am walking over big rocks, I could float/fly. So I was doing this through an empty shopping mall. All the stores were closed, gates were down. I was learning how to keep my hovering pace steady so sometimes I wavered, sometimes I fell a couple feet before I would pop back up.

The way through the mall seemed long whilst I did this. The mall went from one storey to two, opening up to a larger area. I followed the path of an escaltor up to the second floor, down a darker hallway. There were flashing lights and smoke coming through a door. I hovered way way closer. Then a female figure in shadow opened up the door and ushered me through.

I remember putting on my ankle boots as a girl opened the front door. Beyond was a beautiful countryside, dark clouds hung over the landscape but in the distance was the glowing light of the sun casting a diffuse glow over the trees and grassy fields. I walked through the door.

The Never-Ending Mall Shuffle

First sleep back in home country, not quite my “home” bed but the sleep is definitely better here. Despite only sleeping from 1:30 to 6:30 and basically waking up every hour on the hour, I am still feeling fairly rested. And unless I dreamed those wake ups, I’m pretty sure each time I went back into the “same” dream.

Dreams 09.17.12
I was in a pedestrian mall. It had very high ceilings. All the walls were a glass tile that had a fake wood grain pattern beneath it. The floors were a beige marble tile. Shiny.
I was walking with my mother, sister and brother-in-law. Eventually we stopped and went into a restaurant.

We sat across from each other and ordered food. I cannot remember what we talked about in the dream. I just know that at one point I saw this man and woman sitting not far from us, looking in our direction. The man was the man that my mom had a brief emotional affair with years ago, when I was about 8. The woman was his wife. I really don’t know if that’s what they looked like but there they were, just a brief glimpse.

Then I think I was walking in the mall again trying to follow directions to the women’s washroom. I turned a few corners and still wasn’t able to find it.

Then I woke up. On a few of the subsequent wake ups, I can’t remember if I dreamed or not but each time that I did, I remembered the mall and walking, searching in it. On the last wake up, I considered if I should try to go lucid and do a WILD attempt since I was pretty certain I’d go back into this mall. Then I got lazy and decided I should probably just get some rest and sleep because that would come much quicker.

In the final mall walk and search, I came to the realization that I was just walking around in a loop. There were steps and corners occasionally in the path of the mall. No matter which way I turned it seemed to lead to the same place. Imagine those Escher never-ending stairs decked out with beige marble floor tile, put some walls up with glass tile, etc. For a brief moment, I actually saw outside of the stairs/mall perspective and had an isometric view from outside this structure.

Lost a Purse

Dreams 06.27.12

Here’s a brief description of the last dream of last night which I am surprised to even recall this much. I had gone through changing, washing face, making coffee, lunch and then I suddenly thought, “oh shit, what did I dream about?” Then in about 3 seconds, just as I was about to give up it came to me. That’s a rare occurrence.

I walked into a busy mall. The layout was a long snakey pathway, not too narrow but not wide at all. There were a lot of turns and sometimes there would be benches on either side. I think I was attending an event that was basically on the other end of the mall so I would have to go through the snakey path full of people.

As soon as I walked in, at the first sign for a washroom, I set down my coral crossbody letather satchel on the bench across the washroom’s hallway. I have no idea why I didn’t take the bag with me. In fact, I may even have asked myself that question in the dream but I did it anyways.

When I came out I continued walking, getting distracted in the stores browsing. Then I walked into a purse store and suddenly realized I was no longer carrying my purse. I voiced this out loud and all the attendants in the store started shoving random brightly colored purses in my face. I keep repeating things to them like, “No I am not looking for a new purse. I want my purse!” And “That’s not even coral!” Or “It’s just a little satchel. Have you seen it?”

Finally their pestering and un-helpfulness in helping me find my purse forced me out of the store. I was close to the event where I needed to be but I was pretty sure I lost the purse during the first 20-30% of the mall pathway yet I couldn’t pinpoint where. I thought for a second that it must’ve been after I came out of the washroom. I told myself I KNEW I shouldn’t have left it unattended. Then quickly I remembered that when I came out of the washroom, I was actually presently surprised to find my purse waiting for me even though there were other people using the bench. That means I didn’t lose it then. So when? And where?

I racked my brain, attempting to retrace my steps, which stores I walked into, what did I do in them, etc. It didn’t help. My memory was so fuzzy I couldn’t tell what happened. I figured the only way would be to walk all the way back and just hit every store, every inch of the mall systematically. It was the only way. Then someone I knew, who was also attending this “event” which I still do not know what it was, this person said to me, “It’s just a purse. What was in there anyway?”

I wasn’t super offended but I responded incredulously, “It has my ids, credit cards, money!” It’s the usual. Important stuff. Stuff I want back. Isn’t that enough? If I systematically go back for it, it’s very likely that it’s there. But what if it’s gone? What if while I left it unattended, somebody had stolen it. There would be no way to tell who had done it. There were so many people in the mall. Aside from shutting the place down and searching every person, there was no systematic way to guarantee the retrieval of the purse IF it had been stolen. I didn’t have that power, or right.

The dream ended, I was still figuring out what to do.

TouchCar Racing

Dream 05.18.12

I was walking with roommate to the car to catch a ride. We get into sports car and I expected him to drive at first but I ended up driving instead. The car was controlled by an ipod touch type of device, which used the gyro sensor and touch gestures to turn the actual vehicle. From inside the car, it looked like we were on a really crazy racetrack and I missed most of the turns skidding of the track at all the sharp turns. We finally arrived at our destination after a harrowing few laps around the track.

Then I was in a big mall with tall ceilings, big skylights, etc. It’s always like that in my dreams. I was with a bunch of coworkers going somewhere, walking. We walked through an empty closed foodcourt.

Then we were outside and it started drizzling. Boss n boss’ boss walked ahead of us. They opened a big black golf umbrella. I was behind them walking with the tall blond publisher AW and the shorter web producer now turned contractor KR. I offered them my little folding umbrella because my jacket had a hood. They politely refused so I opened it up for them. KR was jumping to get under the umbrella radius so I handed it off to her. The blonde said it’s not actually that bad as I pulled up the hood. Then the droplets of rain became bigger.

In another part or another dream, I was at some a really big party. Not much that I can remember from it. At one point I may have been on the floor, still inebriated, struggling to sit or get up because I was so weak. In another part of the party dream, I walked by my sister smoking on the front porch. She doesn’t smoke IRL.

Colorful Vacation and Shopping

Dream 05.04.12
I was on vacation, along with my husband, df, my mom and uncle (her boyfriend). The dynamic was strange because even though we all went together, I was still not supposed to talk to df. He and my husband were talking and interacting with each other as friends. It’d be okay to talk to my parents and it was okay for me to talk to my husband obviously but there was an obvious schism.

We were all piled into an american luxury sedan (not sure why because I don’t know the brand/model but I knew this is how I would describe this). It was a rental. My mom was driving and my uncle was in the passenger seat. I was in the left rear passenger seat, husband in the middle, df in the right. As we were driving along, the semi tropical landscape rolled by. Palm trees, houses and apartment buildings with colorful walls and roofs went by. It was a festive looking country and I didn’t talk, just enjoyed the scenery.

The car was slowing down and we were entering an open air market area. There were indigenous crafts, flowers and food for sale. The stalls were draped with colorful linen sashes, so light that the breeze just lifted them lightly and they bobbed in the wind. I think I could also see locals and vendors milling about getting things ready. It was still early in the morning so the market was still very empty but there was this distinct feeling of hope, anticipation, soon-to-be hecticness and calm before the storm kind of feeling in the market’s aura. All this I felt as our car passed by it.

Then just a little further down the road in an area with cute little 3 story condos, me, husband and df got out of the car. My parents were just dropping us off. We started walking away back towards the market but my mom called me back to the car to say something. Whatever she said wasn’t important but I just remember this next strange part. As I was walking away from the car towards where husband and df stood, as her car was driving off, my walk was not outrunning the shadow of her car. This is hard to explain but her car and I were going in opposite directions so how could I possibly NOT outrun/walk the car’s shadow? Eventually I did but from the distance between me the car and the guys, that was the weird thing that happened.

Next part that I can remember, the 3 of us and my parents went into an indoor mall. The tinted skylight windows cast a blue-ish green light all over the inside. The floor was tiled in a reddish clay colored tile in a circular and fanning arcs design. The 3 of us were just roaming about. Husband suggested we go into this vintage clothing store, but it was obvious that it was only because he thought it was the type of place I would like even though I had said nothing but sure I was interested enough to browse.

Right at the entrance a black girl blocked the doorway because she was looking at a rack very close to the door. We almost bumped right into her back so I was right up close. She was wearing a fitted cropped short sleeved hoodie. The fabric was made from a re-purposed kid’s spiderman sweatshirt. I actually thought it was really cool. Husband didn’t say anything but gave a subtle disapproving look.

We walked inside the store, I walked ahead. The aisles were narrow so you can’t actually walk side by side. Inside the store, I walked into another room with racks and clothing. I picked up a fuchsia colored tank top that had rusching, a braided fabric part and kinda drapy and considered trying it on. Then I felt something brush my arm, a nice, gentle and supportive gesture, always saying “yes try it on.” I turned around and it was df. My husband was further behind, looking around bored.

Then we exited the store through this room and we saw my mom and uncle walking along, browsing the stores. They weren’t walking together hand in hand but were enjoying themselves browsing.

Another Party

I woke up this morning and had excellent recall of the whole dream. I replayed it all in my head but as soon as I got out of the covers, the whole middle chunk went missing. Before I fell asleep last night, I had told myself that I wanted to know “Why can’t I walk away?” and “What am I afraid of?” I wanted this answered but not sure if this dream really did that. I have put some meaning to some of this in my head…but not sure if I am reading too much into it either.

Dreams 04.27.12

I was carefully setting up for a party in my mom’s house. My job was to move the xbox and related peripherals from the tv and hook it all up to the projector. It wasn’t’ actually her current basement, it had all wood panelling, a white leather couch facing the opposite way of where the wall for the projected image would be. Anyway, I moved each piece of equipment over to the right side of the projection wall and hooked it up.  I started with the console, then the receiver, then the kinect. Then for some reason, there was also a Dance Dance style controller pad, but it was made of a terry cloth towel material and the pattern on it looked more like a Twister mat.

While I was setting up, I think my mom kept coming downstairs to get other things ready so she interrupted me a few times. When everything was plugged in, I turned on the project to see how it would look.  The projected image was actually much bigger than the screen, which only took up about a third of the wall.  I looked at the image and thought to myself, that’s actually not that great.  How am I gonna get this screen down now? In the end, I’m not sure what happened, can’t remember if I “fixed” it or not.

Then the middle chunk of the dream is where I forgot everything. I believe it had something to do with filming and production but can’t be sure.

The last part of the dream, I took off from whatever I was doing in the middle chunk, to go shopping. I went to the mall, which had a really tall ceiling, big windows so light was pouring in from top. The store I was approaching had a huge line-up. Everyone was waiting outside for it to open. It was just a clothing store so I wondered what the hubbub was about. There were already racks of clothes displayed outside. I noticed bighead, roommate and big E waiting around at the front of the line so I joined them. They were talking and we were kind of mulling about the racks on display. I saw a cute little dress that I showed bighead, maybe I’d get it for his baby girl. He shook his head and said it’s okay, even cheaper in China or something to that effect. I kept on looking at the racks while the boys talked. They weren’t excluding me in particular but I remember having a feeling that I was “out of touch” with my friends as they talked. Then I picked up a beige pair of rouched cargo capris with belt on a rack. It was $8 and I thought what a bargain that was, I should buy it. However I ended up putting it back on the rack.

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