Embarrassing My Mom

Dreams 07.01.12

This one is fuzzy again. I remember there was a lot of water and I was possibly drowning, swimming or at least overwhelmed by water. There was something akin to water breaking or a dam bursting. How things happened or in what context or if it is related to the next bit, I couldn’t say.

My mom and her bf were having a party. It was an informal gathering with plastic bups and thin white plastic table cloths. It was held inside a brightly sunlit room. It had an elementary school classroom, almost kindergarten room feel to it. It had open areas where groups of tables with food and drinks were set up.

I arrived at the party with several other people and I think I was supposed to bring something. I’m not sure why but I was purposely not brining it into the party to make my mom embarrassed. I think it was a shotgun (not that THAT is the reason why I didn’t bring it). I think I felt bad about sabotaging her party but I think her insistence on using something to elevate herself in some way, that didn’t belong to her physically or spiritually (coz guns aren’t “her”) really bothered me. I was trying to teach her a lesson.

I avoided her for most of the party. Just kept circulating so I didn’t stay in one place at a time. Then I went into another room to grab something to bring out front and she came in to ask me directly where the “thing” was. I lied to her face. She seemed to know I was lying but did not make a big deal about it because she couldn’t understand why I would lie. She also didn’t want to fight with me at her party so she just walked out with a semi angry, frustrated and disappointed look on her face. I felt really bad about it.

A Dance Rehearsal and a Hesitation to Re-roll

Dreams 06.20.12

I walked into an elementary school gym. A bunch of chairs were set up facing the stage and a handful of adults were sitting, quietly talking to each other. Then something started onstage. There was music. Then a group of young girls of ages 6-12 all dressed in lilac leotards dotted with brush strokes of magenta and purple began prancing around on stage in some sort of formation.

I continued my slow walk behind the audience, eyes still fixed on the stage. Then the girls formed a line at the back of the stage and one by one they hopped off stage right and reentered near the front, skipping and jumping in mid-air then edit stage left. I looked down at my own clothing and realize I am in the same leotards and I should be part of that line-up on stage! If I don’t make it onto the stage now I will miss my cue and ruin everything.

I hurried to the backstage area from stage left, listening carefully to the music for my cue, walking up the stairs. When my cue came in the music time, I had just stepped onto the last step to the level of the stage. I dove towards the stage and hopped on time to the music but opposite to the direction all the other girls had gone, praying that the contrasting direction seemed intentional, part of the choreography. I lumbered through the rest of the dance clumsily, following the motion of the other girls.

When the dress rehearsal was done I went down to the audience to my mom. She said with a smile that I did good. I told her I did my best but I was disappointed with my self, just a bit. I told her that it felt like I was supposed to know what I was doing and I just forgot. It’s like the a shadow of the memory of my motions were in still in my body. She said it looked like I was struggling a little but that I did good anyway.

Then somehow time skipped a bit and the coach/teacher was speaking loudly, strictly to the girls and I. She was dictating our very full schedule for classes and rehearsals for the next few weeks. The schedule was also written on the chalkboard. Then the bell rang and all the girls left the stage/classroom. I didn’t actually see the teacher or the other girls at this point. It was like a movie scene where you just hear the voice and sound effects indication the action while my eyes were the camera, floating through the stage space, doing a slow pan right across the chalkboard.

Then I sat there on the floor frantically trying to input the schedule into my blackberry and made all sorts of mistakes. I kept having to cancel and redo. Another girl was just jotting it down on a notepad. In a few quick strokes of her pen, she was done and walked away very satisfied with herselfwhile I sat there still fumbling.

Then I could hear some tech support person in my ear kind of making fun of me for my blackberry but also making helpful suggestions on what I should do. Then we proceeded to do some troubleshooting for my desktop. He sounded very professional. However I could hear either his coworkers or buddies in the background making jokes, obviously commenting on something on tv. Occasionally my tech support guy made a comment to them but the tone was so much more casual than his “professional” voice I couldn’t be 100% sure that it was him. I wished I was talking to the buddy version of him rather than the professional version. Finally he told me we were done and I should reboot and start whatever program I wanted to use.

Turns out I was trying to play Diablo 3 and when he saw, he was pleasantly surprised. Then I thought about starting a brand new character but let out a heavy sigh. I didn’t want to have to re-roll and setup all my character attributes and appearance again. Actually irl, you don’t even need to do that in Diablo 3, I was just remembering every other RPG I’ve played.

Swimming and Playing in a Cubicle

Dreams 06.18.12

Dream 1:
I was swimming in and then walking by a pool. It had high ceilings like in a community centre/gym. Husband commented on how “shitty” it was but I actually thought it was pretty nice. Then I see my mom and she told me gossip about my bf. Bf’s black friend, Roland (completely fictitious person!) who works for their it company said that bf was hesitant about the wedding because of something. What that is I cannot remember.

Dream 2:
I am sitting in my office cubicle (not the same as one irl) typing away on the keyboard. Strangely now that I think back, I’m not even sure the computer was on. Maybe I was only pretending to work. Anyway my sister was working a few cubicles away and I went over to say hi.

When I returned to my desk I had a handful of tiny 2 cm cube-like figurines. They were talking toys from a Happy Meal or something. I pressed a button on each of them in turn and they announced their recorded lines perfectly from whatever movie or cartoon they originated from. I just kept pressing the buttons over and over, amused by how such a small toy could be so loud. I was also admiring the detail of the small figurines which were of a surprisingly good quality.

I overheard a few groans in the cubicles around me complaining of the incessant noise from my toys. To muffle the sound, I crumpled up a sweatshirt and placed it over them and continued to make the toys talk.

Baby on the Road

Dream 05.30.12
I am developing a bad habit of waking up late and snoozing too often this week. It results in lateness, panic and memories lost. Alas with the window open, sunlight and a clear blue sky visible through it, framed by the young leaves off the tops of our shrubs in the backyard makes for too calming a sight from my pillow to not keep me in bed.

So I completely forgot the first dream. I was doing something important and that’s all I know.

The feeling of needing to be somewhere important carried on into the after-snooze dream. I was dressed for work and it was early morning. I needed to be somewhere (not work) soon but I was running a bit behind. My mom was on her way over because she offered to give me a ride.

Inside her car, we were chatting about all manner of things, small talk to pass the time. She was driving noticeably slow and a tad mindlessly. I was getting annoyed but did not want to be polite. At one point I saw a bus pull over ahead at a stop while we were at a red light. I was hoping we could stop so I could just jump on the bus and be on my way. When the light turned green the bus was pulling out away from the bus stop so I knew we would never catch it.

Then I could see all the cars ahead merging into the right lane. We were the second or third car before the merge happens. I told my mom to try merging but she was slow and we ended up stopping before the cause of the merge. When she saw what happened we both got out of the car.

A police car with sirens flashing was on the right side. To the left of us we see a few people standing, some kneeling, hunched over. There is the accident. A child or baby had been hurt and abandoned, literally on the side of a road. My mom wanted to go towards the group but I hesitated. I knew there was nothing I could do for them. Meanwhile, our car was just sitting there in traffic in everyone’s way. Plus I still needed to get to my important place. I felt bad for wanting to leave because I wished to help and at least stop for some compassion.

My mom could see the impatience in my eyes but not the conflict that was going on in my head. She said, “Okay let’s go. I’ll take you to the church.” I flipped out a little. During our conversation I had mentioned that I should go to church to either pick up something or get baptised. I’m already baptised in real life and I really don’t go to church so none of this makes sense. I flipped out a little at her because I didn’t need to go to church NOW and my mom was totally not listening to what I needed to do for me right now.

I think I clarified our destination to her rudely and returned to the car.

Impossible Tests, Goldfish and Closets

Dream 1 – 04.29.12
I was walking with a group of students through a doorway into a small school gymnasium. There was loud, catchy, music playing, warming up the crowd for an event. The stage was to the right of the entrance and the crowd was to the left. By the look of it, the crowd was excited for what was coming, it was some kind of surprise concert or something. Seeing this, I was excited to see what was in store as well.

The group I was with was being herded to the back of the room where a bunch of long cafeteria benches were laid out. There were sheets of papers and pens set out along the tables for each person. I looked in disbelief at my colleagues. The event on stage had just begun, it was louder than before now. They were going to have us take a exam in the midst of this cacophony? I was upset.

I sat in my place and flipped the test paper over to skim the questions. They were all worded in ways that didn’t even make sense. There was no way anyone could answer these questions. I looked around to get a consensus from the group, who were all shaking there heads in disgust, wondering how they could do this to us.

Dream 2 – 04.29.12
There is something I cannot remember at the start of this dream. It was time to move so I was cleaning out the closet. Most of it is empty now and I discover a light fixture at the back of the closet with no bulb. I wondered why I never put a bulb in there but it’s too late now. I also thought that even with a bulb it, all the stuff in the closet would’ve blocked the light so it wouldn’t have made much difference.

I go out of the room and I was in my mom’s apartment which was nothing like the real one she lived in. This one had dark hardwood floors and it was just an empty living room. There was a standing lamp with shade and a small circular glass table. On the table was a porcelain figure and a small glass globular fish bowl with a bunch of fish inside. It was so crowded in there but I just knew there were 7 fish and I was horrified that they were all in such a small space.

I crouched down beside the bowl to get a good look and suddenly they all jumped out of the bowl. I panicked and looked around the floor so I could put them back in. I found the first 4 easily. They were all of the small, skinny orange variety. I scooped them up into my palms and plopped them back into the little bowl. The last 3: one was a slug, the next was a fat grub, and the last I cannot remember (I am writing this part in the afternoon so memory of it has gone).

I was pretty grossed out when I found the grub and just told someone about it. I did not pick it up myself. I may have told my mother that it was not right to keep 7 fish in a tiny bowl because the bowl changed into a larger tank, about the size of the crab terrarium that we owned. We may also have manually moved the fish there, I can’t remember exactly. What happened after this is uncertain.

Dream 3 – 04.29.12
I believe this dream happened during or after I had woken up from Dream 2. I was trying to recall it and must’ve drifted back to sleep.

I was writing Dream 2 events in my paper dream journal (the one I used to record dreams while on vacation) with a red ink pen. Although the dream journal was not anywhere near my bed in real life and I also no longer had a red ink pen. In the dream, I was just seeing my hand with this old red pen I used to like writing with, writing things down and kind of talking to myself as I recalled the dream.

When I looked up, I was reenacting the part of the dream where I was looking in the closet while cleaning up except this time it was different. This time I looked in the closet right after my husband had made custom shelves for it. He asked me if I liked the design. I stared at it for a while and thought, is this all there is to this closet? I also thought the custom shelf design (can’t remember actual layout) seemed a bit impractical. I didn’t communicate this verbally but I think he understood that I was concerned about the closet’s size because he said, “There’s another closet over there, I put shelves in there for you too.” I walked over to the other closet.

The layout of this master bedroom, which was empty at the moment didn’t make much sense. There was this main closet but then the other closet was on the perpendicular wall of the room and it was only the size of a linen closet. I thought this can’t be right, it wasn’t designed to be a second closet. This first, small closet was IT. Anyway, I opened the door to see what custom solution my husband had put in. There were 4-5 slanted shoe shelves. The shelves didn’t even fit end to end. It left about 12 inches of space to the right of them for hanging clothes.

I was speechless. Is this what he thought I needed? Just a lot of shoe space and no space for actual clothes? Again, this seemed very impractical.

Another Party

I woke up this morning and had excellent recall of the whole dream. I replayed it all in my head but as soon as I got out of the covers, the whole middle chunk went missing. Before I fell asleep last night, I had told myself that I wanted to know “Why can’t I walk away?” and “What am I afraid of?” I wanted this answered but not sure if this dream really did that. I have put some meaning to some of this in my head…but not sure if I am reading too much into it either.

Dreams 04.27.12

I was carefully setting up for a party in my mom’s house. My job was to move the xbox and related peripherals from the tv and hook it all up to the projector. It wasn’t’ actually her current basement, it had all wood panelling, a white leather couch facing the opposite way of where the wall for the projected image would be. Anyway, I moved each piece of equipment over to the right side of the projection wall and hooked it up.  I started with the console, then the receiver, then the kinect. Then for some reason, there was also a Dance Dance style controller pad, but it was made of a terry cloth towel material and the pattern on it looked more like a Twister mat.

While I was setting up, I think my mom kept coming downstairs to get other things ready so she interrupted me a few times. When everything was plugged in, I turned on the project to see how it would look.  The projected image was actually much bigger than the screen, which only took up about a third of the wall.  I looked at the image and thought to myself, that’s actually not that great.  How am I gonna get this screen down now? In the end, I’m not sure what happened, can’t remember if I “fixed” it or not.

Then the middle chunk of the dream is where I forgot everything. I believe it had something to do with filming and production but can’t be sure.

The last part of the dream, I took off from whatever I was doing in the middle chunk, to go shopping. I went to the mall, which had a really tall ceiling, big windows so light was pouring in from top. The store I was approaching had a huge line-up. Everyone was waiting outside for it to open. It was just a clothing store so I wondered what the hubbub was about. There were already racks of clothes displayed outside. I noticed bighead, roommate and big E waiting around at the front of the line so I joined them. They were talking and we were kind of mulling about the racks on display. I saw a cute little dress that I showed bighead, maybe I’d get it for his baby girl. He shook his head and said it’s okay, even cheaper in China or something to that effect. I kept on looking at the racks while the boys talked. They weren’t excluding me in particular but I remember having a feeling that I was “out of touch” with my friends as they talked. Then I picked up a beige pair of rouched cargo capris with belt on a rack. It was $8 and I thought what a bargain that was, I should buy it. However I ended up putting it back on the rack.

Cottage Party

Dreams 04.13.12

Roommate and I are preparing brunch on the kitchen table at my old house. He was chopping something and I was grilling perch fillets on a panini press. We were going to eat and then go somewhere.

The doorbell rang, I ran to open the door and the I remember seeing at the table was that my perch was starting to burn. At the door, my mom and her bf were there. I was surprised because they were picking me up to drive me somewhere except I did not expect them so early. I told them to hold tight so I can get my shit together. I went upstairs to my room and started to put things in a bag. Shortly after though I noticed myself slowing down the packing, procrastinating and I knew I was making them wait. I felt a bit bad but didn’t actually hurry up.

After that I remember roommate and I arriving at a party. It must’ve been at a cottage or something. It was the kind of party where everyone had brought duffle bags and sleeping bags because as soon as we walked in the door, the front room was piled high with bags. We added our luggage to the pile and then my friend VN n her sister walked in the door. They had arrived already before but were just returning for a walk. They looked at me and non-verbally we communicated “We’ll see you in a bit to blaze.”

Then I was in a darker room with 2 queen sized beds, one in each corner. A chair was in between them, facing a TV on a 3 drawer cabinet. I was sitting in the chair with somebody’s 3 or 4 year old kid watching a cartoon on TV. The kid was talking to me, to the cartoon characters, to the TV. He was supposed to go to bed after he finishes his show. I loved having him bouncing around in my lap talking his baby talk. After the cartoon was over, he kept asking me if he could watch more. I looked at the other two people in the room who were chilling and unpacking on the beds. The consensus was basically that the parent wasn’t back yet so let the kid do what he wants and get tired, etc. So I waved at my hand at the TV, which wasn’t big but it had some kind of Kinect typed sensor control, to select another program.

Then the parent poked their head in the doorway and called the kid’s name. The kid ran to the parent. I was a bit saddened not to have him on my knee anymore.

Then another friend came in. Now suddenly I feel like I am in the consciousness of another girl or I was watching it. Whoever came in the room came in with a bottle of wine and an oversized wine glass and it took the entire bottle of wine leaving only about half an inch at to the top. The glass was passed to me/girl and “we” just glug-glug-glugged it down and got completely trashed. Then I remember the person who brought the wine smacking me/girl across the face to snap me out of it. I sobered up a bit and then the intention of the rest of the people in room, including me was to go smoke some weed.

We arrived in another room which looked kind of like a teacher’s office in japanese dramas. (LOL, very specific I know) Immediate to the left of the entrance was a bank of filing cabinets and papers. So everything beyond them in that room was initially obscured from my view. We continued to walk straight, then turned left around the cabinets. There were a few tables with food set up. People were sitting around them interacting. Some recognizable faces were there, Irish for example as well as DF.

As soon as I recognized DF, even before I walked close to the table, we gave each other a silent nod hello. I smiled happily at him. I was so pleasantly surprised to see him. It’s been so long. The seat at the end of the table beside him was empty and I approached it but we still didn’t say anything to each other because no one else in the circle of friends know anything.

After that I woke up at 5:30am in the morning because the dog wanted to go outside. When I went back to upstairs to bed, there was only about 50 minutes before my first alarm would ring. I tried to go back to bed to see if I could dream some more, hopefully more about DF in truth. I think my mind did wander and “dream” without actually falling asleep but I was too tired, I can’t remember any of it.