Lesson learned: Save Drafts

I had 3 other days recall notes sitting in Drafts on my phone for my Hotmail account. I even thought last night just before be that I would finish all of them and post it with today’s as one post called Dreams Dump For The Week.

“Dump” is right – it is nowhere to be found. I keep thinking I can make out in my mind’s eye the keywords I had put in but all of it escapes me. The lesson: email drafts on my phone is like dream recall. If you don’t commit it to words and publish/save it, it’s like they never happened! From now on even my draft notes will be email-sent to WordPress draft status for later publishing.

Dreams 05.03.17
There was a gathering of people at the office, though it didn’t look like my actual office. I had a desk which was right at the corner and all the office party goes had to get past it to get to another party area. People were rubbing against my cubicle wall, knocking shit down. I was mildly annoyed but just moved stuff out of the way and joined the party.

I overheard the ops manager say something about a colleague in Montreal still sticking around the office, not wanting to leave. I asked her if the office was getting shut down over there and she said no. That made me confused. Then I saw a person, who wasn’t the colleague from Montreal but in my dream he had become the person I was thinking is the Montreal colleague (even though he is an adult version of a childhood school mate and the Montreal colleague is a grown woman I’ve only met through video conferencing).

He was leaning over my cubicle wall listening to me talk to the ops manager as she walked away. I thought to myself, I wonder if I need to lift the one binding spell I cast on him years ago because he used to bully me. In hindsight as an adult it was probably more extreme annoyance type of bullying, nothing physical but I had always believed deep down that magic rituals could be real and that the binding spell worked because the day after he stopped doing it completely.

I was lying on a desk for some reason. I looked to my left and amongst legs of huddled party goers I saw three dogs, one of them was black, shaggy curly furred. When it saw me it came over and attacked me with kisses which made me giggle and laugh uncontrollably. Then I walked around the corner to the other party area where there were people hanging out on and around couches. Now it was no longer an office party but a college student party that I had infiltrated as an adult.

I sat down on the couch between two “friends”. The one to my left was crying into the couch back, just bawling. My instinct was to hold him and let him cry, which I did. Then I asked what was wrong. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t know how you could…We’re over here…” Then he said something I forget right now but it implied that something horrible had happened to one of the friends over here that is hanging on the couch. “But you’re over there…” Then he went back to bawling into the couch, he meant that I was getting kissed by dogs having the time of my life.

I was taken a back and calmly, hoping not to offend, “I am sorry for what happened but I don’t really know any of you, well.” He just ignored me and I could feel the eyes of other nearby watching me with disapproval. I got up and went to the shelf where drinks were placed. Before I grabbed one, some bubbly girl walked by and announced, “Let’s to!” Everyone seemed to understand where and followed her lead, so did I.

We walked through what looked like parts of old school/university hallways until we finally reached an area that seemed like a balcony. It was night time, there were neon lights, noises from a bar close by. I looked over the balcony and it wasn’t that high but it overlooked other parts of the university grounds. There were lights of other gatherings further on campus.

I turned around and followed my group through gates which were supposed to lead to a destination. I remember catching a glimpse of a dark ski slope, snow covered, non-operating ski lifts and all. I wondered where we were but knowing that I will be at a new location, with new people to meet, other sights to see.

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A Maze of a House

Another sketchy recall day. Definitely think it’s the snoozing…should really just pick a time to wake up and fucking commit.

Dreams 03.27.13
I was in a house with a lot of square rooms. I remember looking down at the structure from a top down view like a diorama and that’s how I distinctly knew the place was made up of little square rooms with narrow hallways.

All the walls were white with light colored hardwood floors. All the other rooms had occupants as well. We seemed to be milling about like rats in a maze, visiting each others’ rooms.

In the context of my first person view, I was merely hanging back in one space at a party. I think somebody asked me what my opinion of the house was and I do not remember what I said. The question was asked either because I was already living there or because they wanted to know if I wanted to live there.

A Night of Many Parties

The order of things is a bit screwy. I’m surprised I retained this information at all. Usually when I wake up at 5am and rush out for an hour drive, I remember nothing.

Dreams 11.27.12
I was at a party at a big house. I wander around and make my way out the back to the lawn. I go around the house down an interlocked path which was surrounded by landscaped flowers and bushes. I saw some old highschool friends who are now in living and working HK. I actually saw them when I visited my sister in September. One couple was expecting their first child then. It was born a month ago and the other couple are getting married next year. In the dream, both couples have their kids with them now. The kids were running around, the adults were laughing, having a barbeque. They were all happy and enjoying family and friends time.

Then I was back inside the house. It was dark, like a movie darkroom. There were a couple of red lights as the only light source. Somebody tossed a water balloon or something into the crowd that splashed everyone at the party. I run to the washroom intending to grab some toilet paper to dry myself. When I get there, it is a really institutional looking washroom stall with white concrete brick walls. I see the toilet paper holder and part of it looked broken.

Then my emo coworker walks up with parts to a super heavy duty cell phone arm/mount. From the look on his face, I knew I was supposed to put it together and attach it to the broken toilet paper holder. I put together the claw part and tested it with an iPhone, which was clamped very securely.

My coworker looked at me expectantly with 2 unused parts. I explained that’s part of the arm and put them together, screwed a few screws in and then the piece was whole. It reminded me of the old days when I had to help build camera supports during filming.

I walked out of an unlit mansion’s kitchen, out towards a wide set of open french doors. My coworker, the pretty girl, exclaims that it’s a maze out there. We continue to walk out and it turns out the wooden lattice structures weren’t actually a maze, it was part of the design of a courtyard.

Later in the dream, our car has broken down somewhere, so my sister, my mom and I go into a house asking to use the phone. I don’t know who we actually talked to but I noticed an attractive man in the background listening in. He was muscular, tall, thick chested, clean cut…just drools worthy. In the dream, I described him in my head to myself as a fireman-type. Later we waited for our ride at this house and sat on a couch. The “fireman” comes to sit beside me and chats me up. He was making his move with subtle sexual hints. I was very flattered and receptive. My mother notices this to and tries to intervene. She tries to derail the conversation and also mentions off hand that I have a ring on my hand, that I have a husband. I waved her comments off dismissively.

This dream I think happened after the drive and I had a one hour nap. I was probably actually asleep for 15 minutes. Most of that hour was spent trying to go back to sleep.

I was at another party, this time in a small apartment. All the guests were sitting on benches, or standing against the walls. A lady walks in and someone knocks a shelf beside her right at that moment, dumping out a whole paper bag of change which slow motion sprays her in the face. I remember just thinking how painful that must feel.

Hippie Lawn Party

There is a party, most of it happening outdoors. There were close to a hundred people all doing various activities, mostly fueled by alcohol. There was an air of mild recklessness but overall everyone seemed to be having a good time. It felt as tho at any moment, a friendly fight might break out that could easily be broken up.

I am recording this over 16 hours after, as today has been a fairly full day, so there are lot of bits that’ve been forgotten. I remember one if husband’s old friends was there, he was a cute one, with a sly smile and boyish good looks. He was there happily drunk with his /fiancĂ©e on his arm. (I just saw that they got engaged on Facebook, I really don’t know either of them.) Then I heard husband say some snide remark about the state of his friend, about how he wasn’t ready, etc. He basically predicted doom. I was annoyed with him but just ignored.

I walked away to the parking lot for a bit to get away. I ran up to a white van where a cameraman I knew and his family was in, he laughed at me and asked if I wanted to join him for a smoke. I was leaning against his passenger window, talking over someone. I declined the differ because I would have to go back to my mother’s side and I did not want to smell like smoke. They started puffing away while laughing at me. Then they drove off.

I can’t remember the rest. Now it’s time for another dream, another sleep.

Almost Lucky

Dreams 08.21.12
Seems like I start off my entries lately with a whole lot of “I cannot remember’s” but last night, I cannot remember too much from the beginning of the dream again. I want to say but am not sure that I was with a group of friends at a quiet party / get together.

I left the party with my old old highschool friend VW (who I still see Facebook updates from occasionally). A little background on VW. She was someone who in junior high hung out with a couple of other girls who were considered “rich”, spoiled and snarky. They weren’t super mean but they were supposedly at the top of the mini junior high pyramid, at least in our class, thus they were labelled, by my little group of outcasts as the “mean girls”. It is so strange to look back and see social structure through the eyes of my 13 year old self. How absolutely wrong we were about most people! But we were young, it was part of our developmental process for learning about the real world. We assign arbitrary roles to people and have a longer term role-playing episode just like when we were in kindergarten playing house. Someone played daddy or mommy and someone was the baby. This is much the same. Then our eyes opened and the tiny field of view to the world changed, little by little.

VW, I would honestly say in retrospect, opened up my world just a bit. I was paired up with her in one particular science project I think. Anyway, through this time, I learned that she was a total geek about the things she found interesting, about the things she loved. She wasn’t shallow at all as I imagined her and she was most definitely not a bully. In fact, she was beautiful, uber intelligent, conscientious, open-minded, hard-working and kind. This girl IS the whole package. I don’t think I ever listed it all out in this way but really, at 13 years old this girl had the most level head in the world. If I were her parents, back then or now, I would not have a single thing to worry about and would be so proud of everything she did. At the time, she was dating my first love, whom I would fall in love with 4 years later.

Anyway, that was a total tangent but a good tribute to a great person whom I wish here the best of all the world because as far as I know, she deserves every bit of it and is willing to work for it and would never take it for granted. In short, I suppose in the back of my mind, deep down somewhere, I’ve always had a little crush on VW. Never realized before and not really sure of that now but I guess that explains what almost happened in my dream.
After leaving the party in the dream, VW were walking across a college campus. We weren’t attending the college. VW actually works as a professor at some university, I think, in some kind of insect research studies field. We were actually sneaking away somewhere to have a make-out and maybe a little lezbo sex. (Not that I’ve ever done that, really never tried but never ruled it out. I’m just not fully attracted to women that way in waking life.)

Anyway, we get to a warehouse or studio building which looked vacant for the summer. We found a service elevator and pulled up the gate to take a look. There were a couple of mattresses inside. We climbed up onto them and closed the elevator doors.

Then we start going at it and weird that I can’t even describe much of it because like I said, I’ve never even kissed a girl like that before irl. I suppose we were kissing and groping each other a lot and started to take off each others clothes. In my mind I was going to lay her back and take her pants off to uh…eat her out. So I was all ready to do that. When she laid back on the mattress and I started to slide her pants down, she started to get all distracted. Starts mumbling and talking about her work, things she had to do, her hobbies or something. Whatever, I don’t remember but the point is, she was anywhere else but here with me. So I was totally turned off by it yet she didn’t actually seem to want to stop.

I cannot remember how the dream actually ended now, just that I was very annoyed by her distraction because I felt what could’ve been a perfect moment between us was spoiled.

Party Preparations

Dreams 08.20.12
I dreamt that I was preparing for a party at my house, which looked nothing like any of the houses I had lived in. Not much detail again today, just remember unpacking paper plates, utensils, food and laying them out. Someone, could be husband, not sure, mentioned/asked in a snarky tone if df was coming. I shook my head because I didn’t know.

There was much more to the dream but I rushed again this morning, forgot it all.

A Goopy Bloody Mess

Disclaimer!
Today’s dream recall is not recommended for male readers. It is sort of graphic in nature, in the lady cycles kind of way. Please be advised.

I tried to dream good memories with husband again, hoping it would be a more mutually connected type of memory. I was pretty tired though, actually slept a lot earlier than usual and maybe my auto-suggestion wasn’t quite so successful.

Dreams 08.03.12
I was at a black tie event with my husband. It was very glamourous, held in a building that looked part museum, part courthouse. It had very high ceilings, marble columns, square staircases, etc. I was wearing a black, floor length, deep-v, super slinky dress with a fine gold dangly chain sew just under the boobs. It was cut so there was a high middle slit at the front that came just shy of crotch. If an evil goddess took a bath and stepped out of the water, that’s the kind of dress she would step out in. She would slowly surface and with each step, it would appear that the surface of the water was wrapping around her head, then her body, to form this dress until she stepped all the way out fully clothed. I digress.

It was beautiful and elegant but very daring, much more so than anything I’d wear in real life. I felt taller in it. But I suppose even the dream-me had a bit of modesty. Draped around my neck was some kind of fur robe or stole that went all the way to my calves . I don’t even know what animal it was, just that it was the softest thing in the world against my arms. It also helped to hide the extra skin flashing from the dress’ frontal design.

I don’t remember much of the interaction with husband at this event. Honestly I don’t think there was much of it at all. I know I told him I had to go to the washroom but I didn’t at that point. I just wanted to leave his side and go explore the building.

His buddy from work who I also know, I’ve gone on many fishing trips with the two of them, saw me walking with purpose and he joined me in my stride. I must’ve looked upset because he asked me how are things and what’s wrong. From that I took it that he had some knowledge of husband and my current situation and I let my tongue loose just a little.

I said things are not great and I feel guilty, trapped and that I don’t want to be here. To my surprise he said to me, then just split your money and go. I don’t think I really responded to that. I was shocked to hear him say it. Then I suddenly had a terrible cramp, a shooting pain in my abdomen. Then I felt as if something were going to trickle down my legs like during my period. I needed to get to a bathroom right away.

While we were talking, we had walked upstairs and pretty far from the main party. I saw a women’s restroom door down the hall, on the side of the building that was dimly lit, probably closed off. I said excuse me to his work buddy and ran off towards to the restroom in a panic.

When I opened the door, it was a very small washroom. With only 2 stalls and one sink. The first stall was immediately to the left of the entrance door. To explain this better, imagine 4 units of space arranged in a square. The entrance door took up the bottom right. The sink & trash can took up the top right and the 2 stalls were on the left. That was it! There was even a restroom attendant jammed into the corner where the sink was. It was super cramped. I could tell that the stall further in was occupied so I quickly twirled myself into the first stall. Why twirl? Because I needed to in order to maneuver around the tight space.

Then I finally took a look at the surroundings. The fluorescent light flickered annoyingly, the floor was wet and filthy with tiny chunks of wet toilet paper, streaks of something and oh it’s gross just to think about it. I immediately picked up my skirts a little to keep it off the floor. Then I had to use the other hand to try and reach into my dress through the middle slit to maneuver my underwear, without dropping the fur stole or touching the walls too much, not touching whatever was leaking out of me, AND keep balance. It was difficult to say the least. The only thing I could think of was, what is that attendant doing here? Why is she not doing her job and what is the other person in the other stall doing?

When I reached between my legs, I found that I wasn’t actually wearing any underwear and I felt whatever was leaking out of me. I took my hand out to look and it was blood…but it wasn’t blood. It was supposed to be blood in the dream but the coloring was honestly more like goopy buffalo wing sauce. I looked from my hand to the floor and apparently I had leaked all over the place. I was disgusted with myself and panicking. Then I thought I was accidentally wiping what I had on my hands onto the fur stole, the dress. I was freaking out!

Then there was a knock on the restroom door and my husband’s work buddy asked if I was okay. He tried to open the door just a gap. The attendant dashed to the door and tried to block him out and I just didn’t know what to say. I was horrified by the mess I had made, embarrassed and felt disgusted with myself. I was basically covered in my mess and there was no way to clean it up. How could I walk out that door? How could I face my husband’s friend or ANYONE out there. How can I make my escape and still save my face?