Finding What’s Mine

Dreams 03.22.18

I was an “old” student, my age now, enrolled into some program for college/university students. With duffle bag and pillow in tow, I attended what can only be described as a massive house party in a giant mansion. Everyone else there were twenty somethings also attending this program’s kick-off sleepover party.

Lights were off in general and everywhere it was dimly lit by low lamps, candlelight or fire pits. As I walked through the garden towards the house, I recall seeing a long dark haired man or woman spinning poi or meteors.

Inside the party, people and luggage were sprawled out all over. It looked like everyone simply placed their belongings in a spot to “claim” as theirs, which presumably would also be their spot to crash for the night. I had people that I sort of knew at the party so I hung around their little circle and placed my duffle bag, pillow and crazy galaxy color print hoodie near their stuff.

Whatever I was on, drinks or maybe drugs, although I never once imbibed in the dream, my mental state was definitely elevated. Perhaps it was just from the atmospheric fervor of the party. I recall walking around, on tables and counters, super confident, surveying the crowds and looking down to see things I wouldn’t otherwise have seen if I stayed at ground level, being physically short as I am. I felt on top of the world, older and wiser than the young’uns that surrounded me and I was having a blast just being.

Then I suddenly noticed that my duffle bag, pillow and hoodie were not where I left them. I walked around everywhere but could not see any trace of them. Returning to the group of people I had befriended that night, I waited for an opportunity to insert myself into the drunken conversation.

One of the people in the group was a pretty tall man who hunched over slightly. I had not met him yet. When I asked the group if they had seen my stuff, specifically describing the coloring of my hoodie, this tall man stood up taller (he was probably 7 feet tall) and then looked right into my eyes, took my hand, crouched down to my level and whispered into my ear. Whatever he said I do not remember but it was flirtatious and possibly even salacious. He indicated that he either knew where my things were or that he could help me find them. It wasn’t exactly clear what he said honestly but in the dream, I was titilated at the attention he directed at me but I was also weary of it, not really wanting it at the same time. The prospect of going off into dark, unknown territories of this mansion with a strange giant of a man was intimidating but I did really want to find my stuff.

I think I indicated or gestured that I would accept his help but instead of allowing him to lead me through the mansion, I took his hand instead and took the lead. I remember walking into different parts of the house, places that looked like a giant warehouse, the pool area and other parts that I cannot recall now. At no point in any of these rooms did I notice the giant man with me so perhaps I “lost” him but it didn’t matter to me at all. I was now on a mission to find what was mine.


Deja Vu and A Missing Car

Dreams 04.06.13

I was driving, making a left turn in my old blue Subaru Forester. It was a wide road with many lanes but  it was not a highway. I believe I was driving around in a small seaside town because I feel like everywhere I looked, I could see the sea in the distance. The sky was always a hazy blue.

I was sitting there waiting for the left turn then all a sudden I was back at home, waking up. It felt like the room I woke up in was in the bottom cabin of a house boat. There was wood paneling everywhere. I went up the stairs and husband was there. He looked at me with a blank but worried look. I don’t remember if he said anything but I understand the look to mean that I had blacked out in my car and has been brought home  somehow.

When I walked past him to the small dining room, there was a huge spread, a feast on the table. There were other people there that I do remember but I am pretty sure my mom and my uncle were there. I started eating the food because I was starving. I sat down as I was grabbing everything in sight. Other people started to eat too but no one seemed to want to talk about what had happened to me. I think they were worried about me because I said I was going out because I needed to go to work and everyone looked at with concern on their faces.

I went to my car again and I remember sitting in the same intersection trying to make the same left turn. Then my sense of time got messed up. I wondered if the previous attempt to turn happened on this same day or not. It’s like I forgot the whole house boat and feast and I just felt a sense of deja vu. Then suddenly there was a time lapse and I woke up in the intersection curled up on the concrete. I opened my eyes and looked around, the cars all around me continued to move but the ones passing directly beside me slowed down to check that I was okay.

I pushed myself up off the ground and found a man on the sidewalk who seemed to know what was going on. He was looking at me as if he had seen everything that had happened to me. So I asked him where my car was. He pointed over in the general direction, which I knew to be the parking lot of a park or a reservation area.  I walked over to with a lot to look around but the lot was pretty empty. There were a few cars on the first level of outdoor parking but none of them was my car. I looked up towards a second level but didn’t really see anything. I hadn’t even walked up the stairs to the 2nd level to really check but I started to panick anyway. I mean where the fuck was my car?

I’m not sure where this part fit in…it may have been part of the house boat. I was staring at a TV screen that was playing the cartoon Magic School Bus*. They were showing a bunch of particles passing through a membrane into the blood stream.

* I’ve recently started a Coursera Intro to Physiology course and had just told my friend that whenever the professor explained these processes, it made me think of the Magic School Bus show.

Vaulted Memories and Inverted Me

Dreams 01.09.13
I was staying as a guest in JM’s mom’s basement. Her sister was on the computer and JM was hovering over. I joined them to see what they were looking at. They were going through a bunch of wedding party photos from JM’s wedding to someone.

All the bridesmaids had light and airy purple tulle/chiffon dresses. The pictures were refreshing and beautiful. I turned to JM and said, “You did good! Looked like a beautiful day!” I also pointed out one picture where her sister, the maid of honor was featured among the group and said, “You look SO hot there!”

Then she and her sister wrestled over the mouse a little fighting to show me another set of pictures or videos. As they flipped through the windows, I saw a video file name of interest. It had husband’s name in it and I wanted to see as it was dated from before or just after I met him almost 9 years ago. I instinctively and easily commandeered the mouse and went click click. The video started playing right away.

I could feel JM tensing up a little beside me so I got nervous as well. What is going to be in this video? Then it played and it showed someone stomping, wildly and irrationally, a little plastic moving thing on the tile floor, some sort of toy. I thought the person stomping was throwing a temper tantrum. Naturally in my mind, because the video file name included his name, I assumed it was husband.

The camera tilted up and it was husband. I was somewhat relieved because well, at least it wasn’t something I really did not want to see. Then on closer look, he wasn’t angry at all in the video. Whatever he was stomping on, this toy, was supposed to be chsse-stomped. It was part of the game. Anyway, then JM’s daughter entered the video. She was only about 3-4 here, younger than I’ve ever seen her. She ran up to husband of 9 years past and gave him a big hug. He picked her up, held her close and showed her off to the camera. It was a tender moment.

In my head/heart, I felt slight pangs of jealousy. Jealous of a tender familial moment I am never going to have with him. Even though I knew it was my doing, my choice that stops this from ever happening, a part of me still longed for it. I didn’t know if I just longed for it in general or with him specifically. There was just a wanting hole in my heart and its presence made me a jealous. At the same time I felt ashamed. I felt like I just exposed a private memory that shouldn’t have been shared with me. Worse, it was a private memory that wasn’t meant to be remembered. It was locked away, stored, specifically for the owner to retrieve at a later time. It was hers and maybe his. I knew I had no right to have any feeling on it but alas it was there.

Thankfully JM’s mother and her friend came downstairs. Then somehow I encouraged them to get all enthusiastic about finding a martial arts gym and we were all going to take a class, right now. The 5 of us all jumped into a beat-up light blue car and headed out. We drove past and around many strip malls until we found one. It looked open and clean.

Next I found myself inside one of the rooms in this gym. It was located in the basement. The whole room was painted a light teal and the room was sunken in, with polished linoleum. There were gym mats here and there. From the ceiling were hooks where Trx systems were hung. The light were dimmed and relaxing and I had the room all to myself. I was using holding the Trx rings with my hands, then trying to use my torso to bring myself into an upright inverted position, head to the ground. I tried this many times, unable to balance. But I knew this was practice and it was just part of the process.

There was a last chunk to the dream that I had all the details of at one point. But I snoozed many times today so when I tried to hold on to the memories of everything I just wrote, the last chunk disappeared.

The Aftermath of a Flood

Dreams 01.04.13
A new year and new dreams. I wonder if the the running theme will be different this year as things continue to change in my life.

Last night I dreamt of death and I did not want to remember the dream. I felt bad. It was the death of roommate’s sister. Just writing this gives me the creeps. She is a sweet and wonderful person. Come to think of it there was also another death in the dream. I think it was Irish. Both deaths occured and it came to me as news along the grapevine. There had been some sort of natural disaster, a big storm, perhaps some flooding. I remember riding around on a speed bike along park paths after the flood had receded. There were still large pools of water everywhere.

I tried to avoid the pools and had to go into the grassy areas but without thick treads on my bike tires, I kept getting stuck. I remember being mildly annoyed but I would walk the bike along whenever this happened.

Then I remember walking around a busy food court inside a mall. I was supposed to be searching for something I wanted to eat but the death of two wonderful people weighed in my mind. I wasn’t sure if it was real or imagined. I just roamed the busy mall thinking about them.

Then I was in an apartment building, my apartment building. I had been stuck there for a few days. I went into the living room where my two roommates were lounging about watching tv. One was my husband’s niece who I’ve come to think of as a friend and another girl I cannot pinpoint as a person from real life. I announced to them, but more to myself, that I was going to the gym. I needed to get out and get motivated. I asked if either of them wanted to join me. They kind of grunted/grumbled in response then went right back to looking at the tv. I resolved to go out on my own. I didn’t really think there would be any uptake on my invitation anyway.

Bike Parts at the Flea Market

Dreams 12.12.12
I don’t remember all of it. I know I was with two friends who were a couple. There may have been another person, possibly husband. The couple brought us to a market / flea market. We seemed to be in a foreign country.

I remember going up to the girlfriend and remarking that this place was amazing. There were so many things to see. I was loving the experience. Then after some walking and bumping into the crowds, I realize with the fourth person that we lost the couple. We then tried to search for them and cover all the grounds in the market.

Finally we came upon a narrow back alley. It was “blocked’ by a long square tube of a rack, filled with miscellaneous bicycle parts. Looking closer, I realized this was an actual shop. The parts were laid out on the rack in a way that people could walk through the tunnel of parts and find little bits and pieces in every nook and cranny of the store.

We decided to go through the tunnel to see if our friends were there. Lo and behold, they were! They were excitedly grabbing and examining various parts in the shop, yelling out, asking the owner for prices. When I was close to one of them, I exclaimed, “I KNEW we would fine you here!” They barely noticed us and continued with their rummaging.

There’s another part of the dream I’m not quite remembering. I am just getting the feeling of it. It may have involved a laptop and then someone saying “I told you so” to me.

Shooting ‘Round the Neighbourhood

Dreams 10.18.12
It was fall time. I am running through a neighbourhood to a house that felt like it should be home. The streets had lots of trees, leaves rustling. I stop at the corner of a group of town-houses (a shortcut to get there faster) and I pause, catching my breath.

Then it’s early winter. I am going through the same neighbourhood again in a vehicle, looking out the window. I am in the passenger seat, not driving (not sure who was). I watch as another little asian woman, stockier than me running through the same route as I did before. I am her and me at the same time. Again, I get close to the house but stop at the corner, catching my breath, not reaching my destination. In the vehicle I think to myself that the house is close to the subway in distance but not enough. It would seem very far in the midst of winter and that walk would be a drag.

Now it’s midday, maybe spring. The leaves are greener on the trees. I am going to a house in a silver SUV. My mother drove. We park on the street corner about 2 houses down from our destination. We see a car go behind us and pull into the driveway of the house next to ours. We waited and watched before walking towards or house because I did not want the neighbour to see us. As we stood waiting I had a flash of memory that we had done “this” before. “This” being that we’ve shot a scene of the indie movie on our front lawn. I saw myself in the scene (may have been a commercial) dresses in black gothy clothes with medium length blue dyed hair, pale-ish make-up on.

Then we walk towards the house and my mother actually approached the neighbour still in his car and asked if he wanted to help during our shoot. I was annoyed but didn’t say anything.

Then we were inside the house that would be the location for the shoot. We were just using a very simple camera. I setup the shot, camera position, which would be static. I would be in the scene and all my mom had to do was press record. I was pacing back and forth as she ran off to another room with the old dude (the neighbour) to look for an unnecessary prop – a little spoon spatula thing. You know sometimes when you are at a beauty counter and the person scoops out a little sample of cream out for you into a little sample tub? That thing. I went to the door of the room where she and the old dude were. They were kneeling on the floor, backs toward the doors, looking through the piles of paper and whatever other shit accumulated in that room, for a tiny little spatula.

I wanted to tell them to just forget about it but she WAS being super supportive of helping me shoot this useless video for whatever purpose. So I went back into the next room and called my sister. We talked on the phone for a little while. I think I was opening mail which may not have been hers and telling her what the contents were. I also told her mom was looking for a tiny spoon.

Then the doorbell rang and I opened the doors to the kitchen into the hallway. I was in the house that I grew up in. My current dog trotted towards the door and paused to look back at me. I saw the old dude approach the door from the left hallway to open the left door while my mom opened the right. Even though my dog wasn’t trying to dash out, my instant reaction was fear. Fear that she would dash out of the house like my dog used to do, the one I had growing up.

It was bright outside. I could see the light spill in through the open doors. Someone was coming up the walkway towards the storm door but it was so bright and I was only halfway down the hallways that I could not make out who it was.

Cabins and Clubs

Dreams 07.15.12

I was either in a cabin or a very 70s themed bachelor apart. It was L-shaped. There was a spiral designed shag rug, and modern fat base rocking chair, a lamp and some other furniture I can’t remember. Overall it was a pretty crowded room. Someone else was in there with me, sitting on a chair/bed, watching me while I moved the lamp around trying to find an unused outlight to plug into.

In another part of the dream, I remember being in a massive packed dancefloor in a club. I was weaving through, everyone else was bouncing in unison to whatever song was playing loudly over us. I think I was searching for a specific part of the dancefloor. Sometimes I could see myself moving again the people current from a bird’s eye view. I saw myself move towards the area I wanted, except there was a big green circular table there, like some gambling table. People were dancing right up against it. I wanted to climb on it to dance and look out over the crowd but for some reason did not.

Lost a Purse

Dreams 06.27.12

Here’s a brief description of the last dream of last night which I am surprised to even recall this much. I had gone through changing, washing face, making coffee, lunch and then I suddenly thought, “oh shit, what did I dream about?” Then in about 3 seconds, just as I was about to give up it came to me. That’s a rare occurrence.

I walked into a busy mall. The layout was a long snakey pathway, not too narrow but not wide at all. There were a lot of turns and sometimes there would be benches on either side. I think I was attending an event that was basically on the other end of the mall so I would have to go through the snakey path full of people.

As soon as I walked in, at the first sign for a washroom, I set down my coral crossbody letather satchel on the bench across the washroom’s hallway. I have no idea why I didn’t take the bag with me. In fact, I may even have asked myself that question in the dream but I did it anyways.

When I came out I continued walking, getting distracted in the stores browsing. Then I walked into a purse store and suddenly realized I was no longer carrying my purse. I voiced this out loud and all the attendants in the store started shoving random brightly colored purses in my face. I keep repeating things to them like, “No I am not looking for a new purse. I want my purse!” And “That’s not even coral!” Or “It’s just a little satchel. Have you seen it?”

Finally their pestering and un-helpfulness in helping me find my purse forced me out of the store. I was close to the event where I needed to be but I was pretty sure I lost the purse during the first 20-30% of the mall pathway yet I couldn’t pinpoint where. I thought for a second that it must’ve been after I came out of the washroom. I told myself I KNEW I shouldn’t have left it unattended. Then quickly I remembered that when I came out of the washroom, I was actually presently surprised to find my purse waiting for me even though there were other people using the bench. That means I didn’t lose it then. So when? And where?

I racked my brain, attempting to retrace my steps, which stores I walked into, what did I do in them, etc. It didn’t help. My memory was so fuzzy I couldn’t tell what happened. I figured the only way would be to walk all the way back and just hit every store, every inch of the mall systematically. It was the only way. Then someone I knew, who was also attending this “event” which I still do not know what it was, this person said to me, “It’s just a purse. What was in there anyway?”

I wasn’t super offended but I responded incredulously, “It has my ids, credit cards, money!” It’s the usual. Important stuff. Stuff I want back. Isn’t that enough? If I systematically go back for it, it’s very likely that it’s there. But what if it’s gone? What if while I left it unattended, somebody had stolen it. There would be no way to tell who had done it. There were so many people in the mall. Aside from shutting the place down and searching every person, there was no systematic way to guarantee the retrieval of the purse IF it had been stolen. I didn’t have that power, or right.

The dream ended, I was still figuring out what to do.

Blog at

Up ↑