Chasing Versions of Myself

Dreams 01.26.18

I was at a house party which wasn’t packed. However I wasn’t in a mood to socialize amongst groups or in the light so I wandered around on the main floors in the darker rooms where a few people sat in corners chilling, having more private conversations. I found my way to a room with a few bookshelves and a couch facing a window. There was no view. It was dark out. The couch looked comfy though and I stood there in front of it, quietly contemplating whether I should sit and commit to being antisocial.

Then I noticed someone had sidled up next to me. It was a colleague whom I’ve known for as long as I have been in my current line of work. In fact, I’ve always had a bit of a crush on him. When I was younger, I recognized this as purely an attraction crush. As I got older, I realized more than half of that feeling is out of admiration, out of wanting to BE him because it appears as if he has accomplished so much and has a passion for all that he does. He is always busy but still appears to be perfectly balanced and happy, not to mention genuine and grounded. I have never heard a valid criticism of him from other people that didn’t have a twinge of envy or self-loathing. I think it’s a kind of energy I wish I could embody myself or at least have around me as inspiration.

Anyways when I looked up and saw him next to me, he bent down and whispered in my ear, “Do you notice me…” I turned towards him. I think I wanted to kiss him but either he had slipped away then disappeared or I hesitated and the moment faded away to something else in the dream.

I can’t remember much of the rest of the dream. I don’t think the colleague was in it anymore, at least not in that form. I remember being at the house party still although not participating in the “party”. It was more like the house party was a setting and I was having my own adventure chasing or playing hide-and-seek with a little boy.

This game was not frantic. It felt like some kind of roleplay and that the boy represented something I was trying to capture. I also remember sitting on a single bed with white sheets in a bedroom. A lamp with no lampshade in the corner lit myself and the boy who kneeled next to me. He was quiet but waved his hands in front of me as if trying to get me to play. I was interested but hesitant.


A Lot of Wooden Furniture

Dreams 12.19.12
I think this dream started off as sort of a fantasy. Although I’m not sure why I started fantasizing just before my under-an-hour nap, so maybe it just happened as I was drifting into sleep like the other dream a couple days ago.

I was in one wing of a mansion with someone who was nagging me so I wanted to get away from them. I stepped into another wing which was much darker. It had a few steps going lower then I went behind dark iron doors into a small octagonal room. It had some furniture in the middle, couple of long wooden couches that faced each other on a red stained bamboo rug. On the left was a door which led out to a little balcony. Sun light was shining through onto the floor. Beside this door was a side table with some ornaments. A painting with strong turquoise colored themes hung above.

On the opposite side of the room, there was a step up, which led to an old style chinese study. A man stood on this step, leaning on the wooden couch speaking to another person sitting on the opposite couch with his back facing the doorway that led to the balcony. I went in there pretending not to interrupt their conversation, pretending to be the maid. A duster appeared in my hand and I went to dust the side table.

They were startled to see me but when I started to dust, they hesitantly continued their conversation in hushed tones, expecting me to leave the room soon. The man standing was describing some kind of sexual encounter to the other man. I was getting very turned on eavesdropping on their conversation. When I “finished” with the side table, instead of leaving the room, I went to sit beside the man on the couch, a couple feet away from him and looked at the standing man with an expectant expression as if to say, “Please, do continue with your story.”

The man had paused when I sat down but after digesting my expression, he continued with his story. Then without going into too much detail, I remember that in the dream, I felt my various body parts responding in arousal. There was some subversive brushing by of body parts in an effort to stimulate myself further. Then my desire could no longer be contained and I just got up, walked up to the standing man and made an obvious move on him while the sitting man watched. I’m not sure how far things went after that.

Later in the dream, I was crawling around on my real bedroom floor, naked. I had either fallen or rolled out of bed to hide my nakedness because roommate had come into the room to speak to husband. I remember being relieved to be interrupted from whatever we were doing that left me naked. I don’t think it was sex although something sexually tinged (if that makes any sense).

The room was dark and grey all over with just a bit of sunlight shining through the closed blinds. I looked around on the floor searching for broken pieces of grey acetate, trying to sweep them into a pile with my hands so I could push them under my desk or just pick them up off the floor. I almost found all the pieces but kept thinking I was missing more.

There was another part where I went down the stairs but it’s been half a day since I had this dream now so I can’t remember what happened or why. It was still within our real house. Again, everything was grey even though the stairs and hallways had lots of sunlight coming through the big window at the top of the stairs.

Cupid’s Strange Messages

Dreams 12.03.12
Long sleep dream:
I am sitting around a table with a couple, 2 of husband and my closest friends. The male starts talking first. They are both very diplomatic in their approaches but usually the male gets to the point quite quickly if he thinks you can handle it. This time he stutters, saying, “You know, usually a guy…needs…in order to…”

I interrupt him and say, “What is it you want to say?” I wait for the response. He looks at his girlfriend, neither able utter a word. Then I bluntly say loudly, “I just don’t have any desire to have sex with him! There it is. No desire, at all!” Then I slump back with my arms crossed in front of me in a defensive pose.

They were shocked but unsurprised by what I said, at a loss for words. Then there was a long awkward silence.

Nap Dream:
I entered a very simple grey building in a covert fashion and snuck up a few stories. The hallways inside were simple and white, lit by fluorescents. There were no other signs of people in the hallways at all but I kept a low profile anyway and ducked down hallway through a non-descript door.

Inside it was an audio-video recording, editing studio / dormitory. Every inch of wall was covered in some dark grey sound insulating material. It was very quiet and even though there were people talking down some of the rooms or hallways I peeked in, their sound was clear and crisp or muted if they whispered.

I went down every narrow hallway, past cluttered work stations. I went down the camera testing area. There were people I barely knew from my production days there. I jumped up on their desks to get past them to see what else was down the hall. I went by 8 bunk beds built into the walls, surrounded by that sound insulating eggcrate material. It actually looked very comfy and eerily calming.

I was frantically searching for the recording booth because I knew someone was waiting for me there. All I needed to do was find it and I would jump him and we would have crazy sex inside the private booth and recording studio. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

As usual, I woke up before finding it.

The Never-Ending Mall Shuffle

First sleep back in home country, not quite my “home” bed but the sleep is definitely better here. Despite only sleeping from 1:30 to 6:30 and basically waking up every hour on the hour, I am still feeling fairly rested. And unless I dreamed those wake ups, I’m pretty sure each time I went back into the “same” dream.

Dreams 09.17.12
I was in a pedestrian mall. It had very high ceilings. All the walls were a glass tile that had a fake wood grain pattern beneath it. The floors were a beige marble tile. Shiny.
I was walking with my mother, sister and brother-in-law. Eventually we stopped and went into a restaurant.

We sat across from each other and ordered food. I cannot remember what we talked about in the dream. I just know that at one point I saw this man and woman sitting not far from us, looking in our direction. The man was the man that my mom had a brief emotional affair with years ago, when I was about 8. The woman was his wife. I really don’t know if that’s what they looked like but there they were, just a brief glimpse.

Then I think I was walking in the mall again trying to follow directions to the women’s washroom. I turned a few corners and still wasn’t able to find it.

Then I woke up. On a few of the subsequent wake ups, I can’t remember if I dreamed or not but each time that I did, I remembered the mall and walking, searching in it. On the last wake up, I considered if I should try to go lucid and do a WILD attempt since I was pretty certain I’d go back into this mall. Then I got lazy and decided I should probably just get some rest and sleep because that would come much quicker.

In the final mall walk and search, I came to the realization that I was just walking around in a loop. There were steps and corners occasionally in the path of the mall. No matter which way I turned it seemed to lead to the same place. Imagine those Escher never-ending stairs decked out with beige marble floor tile, put some walls up with glass tile, etc. For a brief moment, I actually saw outside of the stairs/mall perspective and had an isometric view from outside this structure.

A Concert Mission

I did NOT become lucid or aware or even remember anything during the long sleep last night. But my morning 8-9:30am nap resulted in a successful dream-chaining and a very detailed account. I guess that’s something to be happy about.

I downloaded Sleep Cycle for my iPod Touch. My friend told me it wouldn’t work because I sleep on a memory foam bed with the dog and another person but it seemed to register things well and I’d say fairly accurately from last night. Maybe I can work out my REM cycles and setup some timed audio cues while I sleep in the future.

Dreams 07.06.12
I am inside a large resort (kind of like a ski lodge) with some friends, not very close. They were all sitting in the cafeteria area having a laugh. I felt isolated as I walked past them and nobody noticed but in truth I was withdrawing anyway.

I carried a bag of clothes and other personal items down the stairs and went inside a long room with high ceilings. It was a big room where all the walls were covered with those small pay lockers you get at the pool. I shoved my things into one without paying and went outside.

The outside of the resort was a large concrete yard with a sloped-up grass lawn at the edge. At the top of the slope were mesh fences. If you looked at this “resort” from an aerial view it would probably look more like a compound or a prison. I went up to the fence and started throwing things onto it. It felt like I was doing some kind of work. For whom? I don’t know.

On the other side of the fence, a huge concert event was happening and Halestorm was playing one of their awesome songs. I started belting it out along with the music. Then I noticed someone else close by was doing it too. I looked down the slope to my right and saw another girl sitting on the lawn belting it out. She was just lying their on a towel. There was a guy next to her sleeping with something over his face.

She was younger than me, maybe in her late teens or early twenties. I would say that I feel like if my teen years had been slightly different, she’s who I would’ve been in that age. In reality I became more like that in my mid twenties after university – individual and free-spirited. She looked up at me in acknowledgment. I turned back towards the fence to do my “work”, still singing loudly, now in unison with the girl. I observed the tents and field where the concert was happening wishing I was there. Then the girl asked me, “So are we gonna go or what?”

I stopped working, turned around and started walking back towards the building and without looking at her, said, “Hells yes!” I knew she got up at that point to follow me. Then I said, “If you don’t mind I’m just gonna find the locker I didn’t pay for and put my tools in there so we could go. I don’t want to be carrying this stuff with me.” I’m not sure if she voiced this next concern out loud but there was a concensus and worry that since I hadn’t paid for the locker, the establishmebt may confiscate my belongings.

We went back into the long room which now had different areas, shelves, racks full of books, videotapes and records. I was walking and searching fast, literally jumping from shelf to shelf looking for a large tan leather bag. I knew I would recognize it from far away but after much hopping around like a ninja on the shelves, we found nothing. I wasn’t panicking or anything. The reality that my stuff is now gone didn’t really phase me. I knew that it was probably safe with the authorities. All I would have to do is go to them to ask for it and likely pay a large fine. I was prepared to do so. For a moment a visual montage of locker doors and the coin inserting mechanism of the lockers flashed before my eyes. I realized then that THAT was how I could’ve paid for the lockers. I didn’t realize it then, when I first put my things in.

I actually woke up from the dream at this point and took a few moments to remember. Then quickly drifted back in and chained the dream. No lucidity though, just continued with the flow.

I felt slightly stupid. The coin inserting mechanism obviously said how much they cost: “$4 for 2hr”. Relatively cheap compared to the fine which I was expecting to be $800. I figured I would tell the authorities the truth, that I figured there was a price but it wasn’t clear to me at the time where the coin mechanism was when I went up to a locker so I just used it and walked away. I can only hope the fine isn’t too big.

I said to the girl, “Let’s just go and we’ll come back for my stuff later.” She said, “If that’s what you want.”

We arrived at the concert ground, just outside the entrance. There were lots of people milling about and you can see just past the entrance to the tent that it was packed inside. Outside, amongst the people there was a gap, in the middle the members of Halestorm were chilling out, taking a break. The girl exclaimed, “Ooh! There’s” She said a name of one of the male bandmembers. I don’t even know if it was true. I considered asking her if she wanted to run up to the band and just scream like prepubescent girls but decided against it. It would be silly fun but I wasn’t really up for it.

We got past the entrance. The bouncer stopped us for a few seconds and waved a couple of other people in. Then he waved us in. When we got in, we followed some others which took us upstairs, across a bridge, etc. The building had a lot of rooms and hallways divided by aluminum frames with glass windows. A lot of the frames also had no glass. With each turn I felt like we were getting further from the concert, our destination. I knew we were getting lost.

Finally the hallway ended and we arrived at the edge of the building. The whole wall had been blasted through. It looked over a beautiful otherworldly scene. It was as if the building sat on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a bay below with blueish-purple water. I had a quick telescopic view of the ultra blue waves in the bay crashing against the shores. The mountainside in the distance looked normal, black and brown but before us and on the slopes down in front of us, it was just mounds of course white something shimmering in the light. The sun was setting in deep shades of oranges, reds and pinks. It was alien and beautiful.

I knelt down in front of the white mounds in front of us and dug my arms into the white stuff, elbows deep. It was coarse white salt. I looked at the girl who had dug her arms in too. We were both excited and ecstatic, in awe of the landscape before us. After some moments, we came to our senses and decided to find our way back to the concert again. We turned back the way we came and there was a man, a janitor, custodian type draggin something heavy behind him. It was partly invisible, the part that actually touched the ground. When we passed him I got a better look. It was a gental L-shaped glass thing, rimmed on one side by brushed aluminum. The glass must’ve been 2 inches thick but clearer than any glass could be. I can’t imagine what it was for but it was heavy.

Then we were back downstairs, in the tent where the concert was. The band was back on stage playing and it was dark with flashing lights. I lead the way, weaving through the crowds looking for openings and opportunites to get closer. I’d look behind me every so often to check on the girl, if she was keeping up. Then I found a spot to settle in about 40 feet from the stage. It looked like a good spot to enjoy the rest of the concert. I reached my right arm back to find the girl’s hand, to pull her in behind me.

Instead, when I pulled and looked back, it was a man. Nobody I knew but in the dream I was receptive. He was slightly taller than me, well built, head shaved close. He felt like he was a boyfriend in the dream, not someone I’m totally in love with but just enjoying each other, revelling still in the beginnings of connection. He came up close behind me and we just swayed and enjoyed the concert with our bodies close, warm. It felt really good.

The Unexpected Image of the Perfect Man

Dreams 05.19.12

Dream 1
I was looking for ways to be drunk/high.

Dream 2
There was a new year’s eve party. I grabbed bottles of champagne off a table. Staggered drunkenly over to co-workers and offered them to my boss and boss’ boss. They politely declined because they were sufficiently sauced themselves. I think I stumbled off somewhere to down the two bottles myself.

Dream 3
I was looking for something running down a busy downtown street, through a similar scenario at least 3 times. The first 2 times was during the day and the 3rd was at night. Each time I had to run through a building to a back alley area. The time at night I ran past the door I should’ve entered and got lost. Then I ran back and found the revolving door to go through.

There was a shack in the back area. Sometimes when I approached the shack’s entrance, I would be held at gun point or be in danger of being sniped by some redneck who hung out at a distance, beside a long abandoned 18 wheeler container truck.

Here’s what happened the 3 times I entered the shack.

1st time: A younger JR with more hair than he does now IRL greeted me. He was the perfect mixture of aggressive masculinity paired with a sensitive but caring nature. He held me by the waist with a look that said he wanted me, asked me how everything was, held me close. I opened myself up to him and we fucked like animals.

2nd time: I entered and had the feeling of “coming home”, JR was watching TV with a bunch of dude friends, my real life friend big E was amongst them, sitting next to JR on the sofa. JR said hello to me but didn’t want to seem too “whipped” in front of a bunch of dudes. I was cool with it. I walked up behind JR and big E, kneeled down close to the sofa, the backs of their heads at chest level and hugged them both deeply against my breasts. I kissed JR on the neck and whispered hello to big E. And I’m pretty sure there was some sex after that too, may or may not be a threesome with JR, me and another man. Or it may just have been implied.

3rd time: I came back and entered the house. I felt kind of like a disembodied spirit just watching. I went up to a door and opened to enter it, it lead into a bedroom where I found JR doggy-styling Jen A. He was naked and hairy, a bit of a gut sticking out and slightly balder and older than I remember in the previous parts of the dream. After they were done, he held her and said something jokingly but semi offensive. It was really tame and mild but she just looked too tired to take it or be amused.

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