Ready for Anything

Dreams 08.10.18

The dream lasted longer, as in there were more events but I only remember the last bit.

I was in an abandoned building with a group of other “peers”. We were walking in a group, spread out and covering ground. It felt like a video game or a horror survival movie. We were making our way through a dark abandoned building filled with broken metal things that made lots of noise when you bumped into them and something was out there, either just rabid and ready to kill, or actually hunting us.

I remember hearing its roar in the distant darkness, its terrible scream echoing against the panels and walls of the gigantic tinbox we were in. I heard movements of something quick, and then also of something heavy.

A couple of my colleagues had weapons. One near me had a handgun and another had some type of club. After seeing their weapons flash before my vision in that dark place as they brushed by me to hide behind something, I remember suddenly feeling a lack of weaponry of my own. I imagined a large knife or a gun appearing in my hand, like cycling through weapons in a first person shooter but nothing “real” materialized. That’s when I realized that my only resource were my eyes to peer through the blackness, and my legs to help me escape.

Despite the real danger that I felt, I was pumped and ready for whatever came. The group continued to move forward cautiously. That’s when my morning alarm woke me. I felt disappointed, of being robbed the opportunity to face the monsters in my dreams.


(Always) Lost Stuff Recovery

Dreaming 07.07.18

The goal in every scene of the dream was to retrieve a jacket that had been lost. I thought I put it here or there, searched for it, it’s not there, move on to the next place. That’s essentially how it all went. I can’t remember all the locations, I figure there were at least three but I can only remember two.

At one point I was driving an old Chevy, pulling into the parking lot of a strip mall where in the corner spot was a car show room with full length floor to ceiling windows, which was located next to a very cleanly kept auto shop. Despite the show room appearing to be closed, there was a long line of people queueing for something. I just needed to get through to the other side with my car for some reason as my path was through and forwards. Again, all through this I was looking for this lost jacket that was supposedly in or around the vicinity of the show room.

I believe SFS was with me. He might have gotten out of the car to investigate the lineup, to see if there was information on a way through. I remember doing some swerves in the Chevy, but I am not sure what ended up happening. I feel like I considered just driving through the windows and crashing right through – it was a brief thought.

Another setting where I looked for my jacket is my old family home specifically around the sink area in the master bedroom. I looked in both drawers in front of the mirror, looked at my reflection in the mirror and moved on to other parts of the house, which I don’t actually remember being in. For some reason, just the part in my mom’s bedroom is what I can recall.

Haunted Vacation Houses and A Race Gone Wrong

Dreams 07.02.18

There were two distinct locations in my dream. Which came first, I cannot remember. Part of it gets pretty gruesome.

I was in a big mansion that looked like it belongs in a horror movie. All dark wood looking interior mouldings, chandeliers and lighting schemes that looked like the whole place was only lit by candles.

I think I was there with a bunch of friends, people I used to call friends, I guess. It was an overnight trip, like getting a cabin to go hit the slopes except I don’t know what we were there for. Most of my friends that were there were guys.

We all sat and chilled out in a room with a big L-shaped sofa somewhere in the house. There might have been a TV on in the background and everyone were either watching TV, drinking, talking, laughing. All of us were squished onto the couch. I sat beside someone who once upon a time, before I met SFS, had made moves on me while he was in a new relationship. I had reminded him that if his gf was not okay, then it wasn’t okay with me. I don’t know what we chatted about on the dream but I do know the talk reminded me of that incident, inside the dream.

While everyone were still hanging out, I excused myself from that room and explored the dark house to look for my room. When I found it and entered, there was a double bed to the right and a dressing table to the left. It actually reminded me of my room as a teenager on a way but much darker, longer, deeper and cold feeling. It felt lifeless, expansive with its high ceilings but also oppressive. I think I felt uncomfortable there but it was the place I was to rest so I turned in for the night anyway.

In the other setting, it was a big city, like New York perhaps though I’ve never been there, I was supposed to go to the starting line of a marathon or race event. I was heading there on foot. All around me I could see that the event was about to get under way as there were more and more people.

However, something told me there was something not right about it all. Something about the way things were organized or falling into place as the event was about to start. I think I started to see angry and agitated faces in the crowds around me. The air of celebration to the event had slowly turned. I felt like I was in a protest, or a riot and I was part of a group that was becoming a mob.

I don’t know what led up to it but the next part I remember is the gruesome bit. I think I led the angry mob to attack someone who was a leader of the event, or someone who was “responsible” for all the bad. In the dream, I could clearly see this person’s face but I can’t now. I just know he had white hair. The mob surrounded him and I had a carving knife which as the mob took him to the ground, I pushed straight into his throat. Blood gushed out at my hands and to the ground. I used both hands to put weight on the end of the knife and cut one side of his neck, took it out and cut the other side, removing his head clean off the neck.

I turned to look the other way immediately, not seeing the real damage I had done as the crowd closed in behind me as I walked away from the scene.

In the dream, I felt like I did what I had to, but wished I did not.

Waiting in an Unfamiliar House

Dreams 06.15.18

I was in someone’s house, at night. I believe that in the dream this house belonged to SFS, whose status in the dream is still early relationship stage boyfriend so we are still hot and heavy. There’s a lot of detail I cannot remember so there’s going to be a slot of “I thinks”.

I think I was there with him originally (like he showed me in) and we were supposed to sleep/nap and go to or host a party at an odd time in the night. I think he fell asleep or left first so for most of the dream I was fiddling with stuff around the house refusing to sleep to pass time. At one point I think I tried to “wake” him by trying to make out with him and grind on him while he was on the couch or bed.

He was annoyed at me disturbing his sleep but even in his half asleep state he still participated in the action. However, at one point I remember feeling disappointed, I think because he wasn’t where I expected him to be for these sessions and the house felt too empty.

In Another Man’s Clothing

Dreams 06.03.18

I haven’t tried to remember my dreams in a while. I remembered the other day in passing that I haven’t recalled dreams in some time, so this morning I remembered something that I’ve mostly forgotten. Here’re the key parts that I do remember.

At one point, I put on a mix and match ensemble of somebody else’s clothing, a man’s specifically and looked into a mirror. Then I turned around to show how mismatched I looked to someone standing in the next room looking at me through a door. This was someone I trusted but they seemed hesitant about what they saw on me. The top most layer was definitely a wildly patterned, collared, button-up short-sleeved shirt.

I had more than the “normal” number of items of clothing. For example normally one might wear a t-shirt underneath the button-up shirt. I remember wearing at least 2 underneath if not more. They might even have been in mismatched sizes because everything bunched up and did not sit right and it was a bit uncomfortable. I cannot remember what the bottoms situation was but I’m pretty sure they were light beige pants of some sort. What style? I couldn’t begin to tell you. I do remember that they were surprisingly not baggy at all, much more fitting than what was on my upper body.

Later on in the dream, I was leaning with one elbow out of a classic car that had been recently washed so it was just gleaming in the light. I did not see the shape of the outside of the car but I’m pretty sure it was a Jaguar. It had the right curves that I recognized, even though I only saw the part where my elbow leaned against.

The car was parked, perhaps on the wrong side of the road because the sidewalk was on the driver’s side. I was leaning out and talking to a man standing on the sidewalk. Our conversation was about the clothing I wore and it escalated into a mild argument. While I cannot remember the words exchanged or the context, I distinctly remember a feeling of annoyance, of me trying to convince this person of something about how I chose to dress myself.

Expecting Disaster

Dreams 05.07/08.18

I can’t remember if this was Monday or Tuesday’s dream. I was in a field full of some kind of crop. It was vast and it was green, at waist height, basically as far as the eye could see, save the tree line that separated the fields. SFS was behind me and we were bending over and getting up to do some kind of farming work.

I looked up towards the horizon and the storm clouds were moving in closer to us. I yelled out to him and the dogs that it was time to go. It started spitting rain and the wind could be felt gaining intensity. Looking up at the grey clouds and the wall of rain on its way to us, I could tell the storm would be upon very shortly.

We grabbed the few tools we used and headed towards a clear trapdoor framed in bright neon orange, which led to the underground tunnel that led us through the underground facilities towards the main building.

The main building was a large spread out dark wood log cabin perched atop a forested hill which peered out an opening in the trees and overlooked the fields. There were 3 to 4 others in the cabin. Here I realized we were farmer-scientists. There was something special about our crops or the way we grew/tended our crops. Also when we arrived at the cabin, we realized the hurricane storm is basically here but that the dogs probably needed a pee. We looked outside and wondered if it would be safe to let them out for a quick one or we would probably risk the door getting ripped off by the wind. In my head in the dream I had a vision of our younger dog cowering as soon as she was outside, too scared of the storm to even go. Then I thought that if we let them out without going with them, a branch would just fall on them or they would be taken instantly by the wind.

Dreams 05.10.18

Not a whole lot of detail. I think it was emergency time. A bunch, like a lot of people, including myself, SFS and his mom were all stuck/quarantined/”grounded” in a building. I want to say the building was a modern office tower mixed with retail or pedestrian mall because the area we all gathered had a lot of comfortable seating. I don’t know exactly what I was doing but I think SFS and I were both individually involved with volunteer groups going around checking to make sure people were OK, delivering water and rations to those needing it most. At one point someone alerted me to his mom’s condition. She was laying down in one of the areas.

I went over to see how she was doing and she looked completely different from what I remember her to look like. It has been about 2 years since I’ve seen her in real life. She still talked in her low, raspy voice, aided by the device in her throat. Her short white blond hair was now dyed black and she wore a bright red lipstick on her thin lips. All of it accentuated her face color which was quite pale.

When she saw me approach she raised her body up from a lying down position to wave me over. I don’t remember what she said to me but without saying she wanted her son to come see her, I think that’s what she wanted. She at least wanted me to tell him how she was.

Later when I met up with SFS, I let him know his mom was here too as he acted like he didn’t know. I told him she seemed alright, just needed to lay down and have water. I also let him know that there were people around taking care of her and that she would be alright. I took special care to note that she looked very different from what she used to look like and suggested that he might want to visit her after he finished his rounds.

The Illusion of Falling Into the Abyss

Dreams 05.01.18

Lots of details forgotten but what I do remember is looking down into a giant gaping hole in a sand dune and I am basically leaning back against the sand vertically, my heels dug in to keep myself from falling in. I was “with” others either participating in some daredevil shit in the desert or I was in a simulation. I remember looking up and to my leftand saw another guy in a similar position as me. He had what appeared to be parachuting gear on and his chute was down on the desert sand but flapping in the wind. It was very windy. I looked further to the other side of the vertical sink hole/sand dune where 2 other “team” members held on without falling in. I looked down at myself, in similar parachuting gear and into the gigantic hole just waiting to swallow me up.

I knew the harness I had on was not going to save me from falling in. I remember backing up with my heels, digging in more, trying to climb up backwards. Sometimes I dug in too much so the sand crumbled beneath me and I actually slipped downwards. So I adjusted and did not dig my heels in as hard. I maintained a balance somehow as the strong wind whirled around me, fearful of falling into the abyss but also somehow felt safe enough if I just held myself where I was. Somehow I knew that I would still be alright even if I did happen to fall, that this wasn’t “real”.

Not sure what happened exactly to jump from that to me sitting on a greyhouse bus, heading some place with fellow travellers. I looked beside me and the guy was the team member to my left in the dream. I looked around the bus and saw other people, some were asleep, others were awake but I had a sense of coziness that we were all heading somewhere together, that inside the bus, the sun shone in and it was warm and safe. I wanted to talk to the guy beside me about the “dream” and about the crazy windy sand dune hole. Before I even spoke, I noticed he had a twinkle in his eye that meant he knew, because he was there too.

Wonderful Rain, Searching Yet Again and Bad Bad Men

There were three dreams that I could remember from the last two weeks. The exact date of the first two I cannot remember. The last happened last night.

Dream 1 from last week

I was in a new town or place that I have never been before. I felt like I was on vacation or a retreat. I went to the docks, the pier, the area generally by the water. It was grey out but the weather was cool without being too cold. The water on the lake was calm. The boats in the marina swayed gently as I stood on the doc looking out at infinity. I was content.

Then it started to pour. Luckily I had the appropriate clothes and I was unfazed. I pulled up the hood of my hoodie, pulled the drawstrings tighter to protect myself from any cold wind that might seep in. Then I also pulled up the hood of my raincoat. I was actually feeling ecstatic because I was ready and it felt great to be out there in the rain just letting it pour down on me. I looked around with a child’s eyes, enjoying the wonder of the rainstorm.

Then I decided to head inside to the shop which was actually underneath the pier, at beach level. Inside the shop, I could see out the window where the water had risen above normal levels, about an inch above the bottom of the windows. As the tide rolled in and out, just outside the windows, I could see water seeping in through the seams. A few feet from where I stood, a bigger window or door also had water seeping through the edges and a puddle of water began to accumulate near it. I walked through the store up and down the edge aisles and I could hear the employees wonder and worry if more water would seep in, if the pressure would break the windows. I was still unfazed by decided to leave the store to its worries and head back to “camp”.

It turns out that camp was the retreat I was attending. The only words I can use to describe it is that it was a super hippy camp and it was like the tents and villages from the video game Horizon Zero Dawn. Everyone in the tent was socializing and there was music in the background. It was well lit by various candle chandeliers, candles, and fires.

There was a dance circle of dirt at one end of the large tent, bordered by handmade beaded strings, necklaces or other hand carved wood sticks and items, which had only a couple people dancing lazily while chatting with others sitting around the circle. There were drummers, musicians and people just enjoying their drinks and friendly conversations.

My raincoat was slick with rain and I decided to go dance/spin it off vigorously in the dance circle. As I spun around in joyous motion, the rain flew off my raincoat and hit everyone around me. Instead of being annoyed at me, they giggled and laughed in delight. Then I decided that maybe I should remove my wet clothes as I was getting hot. I leaned over the edge of the circle to lay my clothing down in a pile but accidentally put the sleeve into someone’s bowl of pureed vegetable soup. I looked for someone nearby to apologize to but no one really claimed the soup. Others gestured to me not to worry and I looked around for a source of water to clean off my sleeve.

As I walked away from the dance circle towards the outer edges of the tent, I felt a mild disappointment at having to leave the wonderful environment as if I would not be returning to it that day/night.

Dream 2 of last week

Much less detail from this dream. I was at some sort of party again with many people I did not know. I found myself spending time in the next room to the party where everyone put their coats and bags, looking for my stuff and not finding it.

Dreams 04-27-18

I can’t remember exactly what happened now or how the situation came about but myself and another woman, who I think is someone I know or knew, but not well, in real life were essentially threatened with harm/rape and “held” hostage in a hotel room.

I put quotes around “held” because the two people who threatened us and brought us to this hotel room actually left and told us they would be right back.

One of them was the scarier one and the other more mild mannered. The scary one was a large bald man with an imposing presence and an air of authority. I would say he was like Hank from Breaking Bad but much scarier looking and not even a sliver of kindness coming from him. Plus he obviously knew he was coercing us into something that was wrong. He had a gun which he never directly pointed at us but had casually waved around, pointed in our direction, as he calmly made his verbal threat that if we did not remove our clothes, wash ourselves and in general prepare ourselves for coerced intercourse, while he and the other man left, that when they returned, we would be brutally raped. I do not remember if he explicitly said in my dream that they would be watching the hotel room from wherever they were going to, so they would know if we tried to leave but that was an ever present fear.

The other man was slimmer, younger, quiet except for a few grunts and nods in response to the scary man. Quite honestly he looked like Avicii (no offense and rest in peace) but a psycho version with a blank, far away look in his eyes that somehow looked hateful at the same time. He seemed to take direction from the other man.

After they left the hotel room, the other woman who was in the hotel room with me went immediately to the washroom obediently to begin her “prep”. As for me, at first I was in shock and just stood there looking out the window at the spot where the two men were last seen. Then I looked towards the bathroom where the other woman was and heard as she removed her clothing and turned on the shower.

A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. Where did they go? How far did they go? Were they really watching? Did this really happen? Did I actually hear them threaten us in this way? Was I imagining all of this? What is the other woman doing? Is she really obeying their commands? Was I going to? What if I don’t? What if I tried to escape? Would I be caught? Would they know that I attempted escape and immediately catch me outside the door? Would they hit me? Would they shoot me? Are there other people surrounding the area who would be witnesses? Would they even help or would they be paralyzed by shock or perhaps they would not dare to intervene? What am I going on do? Am I going to obey as the other woman seems to be doing and accept my fate of being threatened and coerced into unwanted intercourse or stay and end up being brutally raped and beaten? Do I have the balls to attempt escape? What am I going to do? What what what?

I looked around the room once more to look for objects that could be potential weapons to fight back. I thought to myself then, I am not accepting this. I must attempt escape. I think they were bluffing probably as they are nowhere to be found. There is no way that I am going to just stay here and obey. I looked once more in the direction of the washroom, I walked closer and I told the other woman, “I am not staying here. Put your clothes on and come with me, hurry!”

I did not wait to see if she was listening and began heading towards the door. I think I heard her behind me put her clothes back on but really I was just focused on the escape. I remember grabbing something long that I could swing as a weapon, not sure what it was.

Out the hotel room door I went. It was broad daylight and the hotel parking lot was empty. In my peripheral vision I could see a few people here and there just hanging outside their hotel rooms. I tried to walk normally but briskly. No running to draw attention with my make shift weapon lowered, casually at my side.

I walked past a small building where I could hear children talking. The doors and windows were open. As I walked past I could see the two men crouched down and talking, handing something out to the children, students. I could see the female teacher elsewhere in the classroom supervising the whole thing. They must’ve been doing a demonstration of some sort at the school. Neither men saw me as I passed until the last moment when I realized it was indeed the two men and I was about to start running, then the scary man’s eyes caught my own and he realized I had escaped.

I ran and ran and did not look back. I vaguely remember hearing footsteps, hopefully of the other woman behind me but her ultimate fate is unknown to me.

Drifting Off To A Better Place

Dreams 04.11.18

A couple nights ago I fell asleep listening to chapter 1 of The Meditation Summit: Volume 1, which was an interview with Reginald Ray about somatic meditation followed by a guided meditation. I am just starting out so yes I did fall asleep but I feel like it affected my dream that night.

I do not have the details but I was a relative new comer to an ashram or commune where all the community members built their own houses and governed themselves. While I only remember 2 people who were there, I remember thinking in the dream that everyone I saw in the community were all the “cool” people I’ve ever met in life. People who were, in short, loving and had very little bullshit, at least not that I’ve seen.

I also remember being indoors in my own house on the ashram, jumping in joy on a mattress that just lay on the floor. I think I also looked around for something unimportant and I was really hoping I would find it. However, the barebones-living on the ashram provided everything I would need. I knew this thing I searched for did not matter at all. I was not frantic but was mildly disappointed. I did not try to stop because it was a futile effort because I also allowed myself to desire its existence in this place because it was nice-to-have so continuing my search was right.

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