A Race, Struggling Caterpillars, Posing, Not Ready

Dreams 03.23.23

I was running a race that was all women through a track laid out on a mossy muddy trail – that is set in a forest setting. I remember being late at the start and I was running the race with two to three other friends but I was not running with or keeping Pace with them. parts of the track felt more like an obstacle course. I remember having a climb over ledges and tires that were stuck in the mud, and I’ve even remember stepping on some other woman’s shoulder at one point to go ahead of her, not cooperatively. I do remember being happy running this race, maybe happy isn’t the word but I wasn’t dreading it before it started or while I was doing it.

Next, I was in a room that didn’t feel familiar so I feel like it may have been a hotel room. there was a bed and the chair and child was also in the world also maybe my dad point. I looked down at the ground and noticed caterpillars and things that looked like balloon cocoons with butterflies half coming out but also caterpillars inside. there were definitely caterpillars everywhere and they all seem to be struggling because they were curled up and straightening out and just moving very fast. once I saw them I freaked out a little and held on to my child’s hand, trying to avoid stepping on the caterpillars so I could leave her out of the room. the part where I think my dad was in the room was when I walked into him to assure him that everything is okay and we should leave this room together. it didn’t seem to really. I think I ended up just leaving my child out.

Dreams 03.22.23

Hanging out in an unfinished grey, dimly lit basement workshop / hangout place with cardi B and her posse. I don’t remember what I was really doing or what they were doing but at one point I was laying on the long table with my side to the surface, the way seductive piano singers used to do in movies. Then she was talking to me as if she was preparing to draw me in that pose or to have somebody sculpt me, I’m not really sure.

Dreams 03.21.23

It had been a long day and there is a big party happening. if I was attending party but it’s one of those parties that was happening inside and outside everywhere you walked around. I felt a little out of place at the party because I wanted some quiet to myself not that I had anything specific to think about but I wanted some quiet headspace while at the same time roaming anonymously through the ambience of this party.

I roamed into a room that was filled with books, quarter style. my dad was in the room laying on a bed or bench, I really couldn’t tell because the surrounding area was all covered in books as well. he was trying to get comfortable to fall asleep amongst the den of the party, obviously having trouble. he was twisting and turning then he noticed I entered the room. I went to him and I put my hands on his shoulders Maybe pet him a little, I don’t remember if there was a blanket but I tried to make him comfortable. then I left the room.

Next I went outside into the night to a picnic table where I found my partner, not someone that represented a real person in real life, and his and my friend were sitting. I said hello to them both as I sat down on the seat straddle style. my partner stood up and leaned forward as I leaned up to meet him for a kiss. they continue to talk and I listened briefly but did not join in. my partner and my friend knew that I was in no mood to actually have a conversation. I remember feeling glad that they understood me.

As I was feeling alcoholic I left the picnic table and headed towards the dock area. I felt the dock floating on the water, knock sand as a part of it hit whatever rocket League against. it was a real thing on one end of the dock where I put my hands then I looked up at the sky and saw that it was mostly clear when I could see some Stars. I recognized the big Dipper, although I don’t think it was really complete like in real life. I light the quiet of the dock but I did not want to stay here as I wished to be alone amongst the crowds again so I walked back towards the party.

On my way back to the main area of the party I hear raucous laughter from a group of mostly black men walking by. they were clearly joking and laughing, having a great time. I smile to myself, wishing to join them, but felt that I was not ready to try so I kept on walking.

Secret Kisses at a Woodsy Party

Dreams 02.23.23

Writing down last night’s dream before going to sleep at night so I probably forgot a lot.

I was dropped off at a house to play with friends. I was an adult but it felt like it was my mom who dropped me off like I was a little kid. The house I was in has other kid-adults running around, some outside, like a birthday party was happening.

My couple friends SB and JB were there but now they were the hosts of the party. I was hanging out in the living room, JB went outside and SB came up hovering real close to me while I was sitting on the couch and looked up at him then kissed me and tried to french me a little. I was startled and worried that JB would come in, see it and be upset.

I don’t remember much else. I think I went out to the backyard where the birthday party and other guests were. I remember it feeling bright, dewey like being surrounded by wet forest wood.

Sparring with weapons and words

Dreams 02.15.23

I was in a mall with my kung Fu class. Coach told me to du dagger spar with an advanced 8 year old girl who was short and looked even younger. I felt weird about it at first but the satisfaction of sparring and blocking took that away pretty quickly. Plus she was a very skillful one. In the end I won and coach praised us both.

Then I went to a part time job that I was starting that day, a friend of a friend referred me to it. I didn’t really want to be there but they needed people and I could use the money so I agreed. It was a waiting job at a restaurant that included performance and dancing.

I hung out in the lounge with a male colleague who was reading on the couch before our shift started. I knew him well enough but we were not close and he had experience working there before. I sat at first, then laid face down on the Ottoman in front of him going through the employee handbook on a tablet with videos. There were sections about management’s views of employees dancing while working. It was encouraged if we made it like we were a part of the performance or just take by the energy in the atmosphere.

Then Sht, the guy I had been sort of seeing in real life, came into the room. Apparently he was part of management. I pretended I didn’t see him come in and kept reading. He said hi to the other guy then came up behind me and laid on top of me also face down, essentially pinning me down. I said loudly and sarcastically, “Sexual harassment!” Then climbed out from under him. Then went over to another couch in the corner of the room.

He followed me over there and without saying a word indicated he wanted to talk to me, didn’t I want to hear what he had to say? At first I started to express my disappointment and feelings of futility at him, like what’s the point really? Then I realised my voice was being raised as the words came out. Sure the first time he had an accident and ghostee I already felt a bit hurt even though he had legit reasons to disappear but soon after that he disappeared again. It takes less than a minute to send a text but nothing again. So why should I bother with any of it?

He sat there calmly looking at me letting me be angry, not quite accepting my words but just letting it happen. Silently it was like he was saying, “Are you done? Do you want to hear me now?” It actually made me angry but I said, “Now I want to hear what you have to say but I don’t know if it matters.” I was grabbing for cigarettes with both hands now to tame the anger which was simmering down. The one I had in my right hand was already lit. We headed outside.

We stood out beside the bus stop. The sound of buses coming and going could be heard. While leaning against a wall, he started to tell his story about how he got into another accident and couldn’t call or text. By then I already started to tune out. it didn’t matter if it was true. If it was, if it wasn’t, how would I have proof to verify. In my head I was saying to him it didn’t even matter because the damage had already been done. We just have to go back to a clean slate and not even approach it like we’re getting to know each other in a dating context anymore. Maybe we’d be friends but we were not friends to start with so who knows what will come off this. I never actually said any of this to him though.

NOTE: After this dream, I texted him a few hours after waking. I had a thought to check in, make sure he was okay with no expectations in any romantic context. He responded right away and since his accident, life has thrown a few more curve balls his way. He said he would call tonight but didn’t. I already told him if he wanted to talk he can call me or if he didn’t feel like it that’s fine too, I was just being a friend. I still found myself looking forward to him calling but not hurt or disappointed that he didn’t. He just doesn’t have the capacity and I am not really pursuing this from a romantic angle anymore.

Hotel Bills Refuted and A Carnival Game

Dreams 10.07.12
There was a confrontation with my husband while we were at a hotel. The hotel suite was huge! Anyway, I remember going up to him, telling him he is full of shit then snatching the phone from his ear. I was about to just rip right into the person on the other line but instead just waited to hear if she would say anything incriminating. I knew who it was. I could hear her breathing, ready to yell back at me but also knowing it was inappropriate so she held her tongue. I can’t remember if I ended up yelling at the person.

Later I am walking back to my hotel suite, to my side of the building. One of my friends/lackeys was walking up to me with a worried look on his face, holding a long print out that trailed behind him as he approached me. I took one look at it and was charged up, angry but glad. I took the paper, now trailing behind me, and stormed down to the hotel front desk. I plopped down the giant itemized room charge bill and yelled at them to remove all charges but the first item. I think the first item was just something normal, like something I knew I used/ordered. I angrily explained to the clerk that I was not here at the time of the second charge onwards to incur these charges to the hotel room. The clerk tried to say that nevertheless they had records of the room using those services. I said, “Listen honey! These were used by my husband and that bitch of his,” (I don’t know if I said mistress but that was the context of the dream even though not so in real life.) “So you better cancel them from my room because I sure as hell won’t be paying for them!” In the end, the hotel gave. I felt angry still but vindicated in some way.

After that, this might be the same or another dream. I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who were my friends but also they were into wrestling or some sort of martial arts. I just knew that from their bantering and physiques. We were at some carnival stall (red tent with colorful decorative flags) where they had a giant scale to measure your weight, one of those guess your weight games. I believe we took turns going on the scale. I was last. Just before or after going on the scale. I dropped down on the floor and did a bunch of push-ups. I was struggling to get through them but my friends cheered me on, encouraging me.

A Concert Mission

I did NOT become lucid or aware or even remember anything during the long sleep last night. But my morning 8-9:30am nap resulted in a successful dream-chaining and a very detailed account. I guess that’s something to be happy about.

I downloaded Sleep Cycle for my iPod Touch. My friend told me it wouldn’t work because I sleep on a memory foam bed with the dog and another person but it seemed to register things well and I’d say fairly accurately from last night. Maybe I can work out my REM cycles and setup some timed audio cues while I sleep in the future.

Dreams 07.06.12
I am inside a large resort (kind of like a ski lodge) with some friends, not very close. They were all sitting in the cafeteria area having a laugh. I felt isolated as I walked past them and nobody noticed but in truth I was withdrawing anyway.

I carried a bag of clothes and other personal items down the stairs and went inside a long room with high ceilings. It was a big room where all the walls were covered with those small pay lockers you get at the pool. I shoved my things into one without paying and went outside.

The outside of the resort was a large concrete yard with a sloped-up grass lawn at the edge. At the top of the slope were mesh fences. If you looked at this “resort” from an aerial view it would probably look more like a compound or a prison. I went up to the fence and started throwing things onto it. It felt like I was doing some kind of work. For whom? I don’t know.

On the other side of the fence, a huge concert event was happening and Halestorm was playing one of their awesome songs. I started belting it out along with the music. Then I noticed someone else close by was doing it too. I looked down the slope to my right and saw another girl sitting on the lawn belting it out. She was just lying their on a towel. There was a guy next to her sleeping with something over his face.

She was younger than me, maybe in her late teens or early twenties. I would say that I feel like if my teen years had been slightly different, she’s who I would’ve been in that age. In reality I became more like that in my mid twenties after university – individual and free-spirited. She looked up at me in acknowledgment. I turned back towards the fence to do my “work”, still singing loudly, now in unison with the girl. I observed the tents and field where the concert was happening wishing I was there. Then the girl asked me, “So are we gonna go or what?”

I stopped working, turned around and started walking back towards the building and without looking at her, said, “Hells yes!” I knew she got up at that point to follow me. Then I said, “If you don’t mind I’m just gonna find the locker I didn’t pay for and put my tools in there so we could go. I don’t want to be carrying this stuff with me.” I’m not sure if she voiced this next concern out loud but there was a concensus and worry that since I hadn’t paid for the locker, the establishmebt may confiscate my belongings.

We went back into the long room which now had different areas, shelves, racks full of books, videotapes and records. I was walking and searching fast, literally jumping from shelf to shelf looking for a large tan leather bag. I knew I would recognize it from far away but after much hopping around like a ninja on the shelves, we found nothing. I wasn’t panicking or anything. The reality that my stuff is now gone didn’t really phase me. I knew that it was probably safe with the authorities. All I would have to do is go to them to ask for it and likely pay a large fine. I was prepared to do so. For a moment a visual montage of locker doors and the coin inserting mechanism of the lockers flashed before my eyes. I realized then that THAT was how I could’ve paid for the lockers. I didn’t realize it then, when I first put my things in.

I actually woke up from the dream at this point and took a few moments to remember. Then quickly drifted back in and chained the dream. No lucidity though, just continued with the flow.

I felt slightly stupid. The coin inserting mechanism obviously said how much they cost: “$4 for 2hr”. Relatively cheap compared to the fine which I was expecting to be $800. I figured I would tell the authorities the truth, that I figured there was a price but it wasn’t clear to me at the time where the coin mechanism was when I went up to a locker so I just used it and walked away. I can only hope the fine isn’t too big.

I said to the girl, “Let’s just go and we’ll come back for my stuff later.” She said, “If that’s what you want.”

We arrived at the concert ground, just outside the entrance. There were lots of people milling about and you can see just past the entrance to the tent that it was packed inside. Outside, amongst the people there was a gap, in the middle the members of Halestorm were chilling out, taking a break. The girl exclaimed, “Ooh! There’s” She said a name of one of the male bandmembers. I don’t even know if it was true. I considered asking her if she wanted to run up to the band and just scream like prepubescent girls but decided against it. It would be silly fun but I wasn’t really up for it.

We got past the entrance. The bouncer stopped us for a few seconds and waved a couple of other people in. Then he waved us in. When we got in, we followed some others which took us upstairs, across a bridge, etc. The building had a lot of rooms and hallways divided by aluminum frames with glass windows. A lot of the frames also had no glass. With each turn I felt like we were getting further from the concert, our destination. I knew we were getting lost.

Finally the hallway ended and we arrived at the edge of the building. The whole wall had been blasted through. It looked over a beautiful otherworldly scene. It was as if the building sat on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a bay below with blueish-purple water. I had a quick telescopic view of the ultra blue waves in the bay crashing against the shores. The mountainside in the distance looked normal, black and brown but before us and on the slopes down in front of us, it was just mounds of course white something shimmering in the light. The sun was setting in deep shades of oranges, reds and pinks. It was alien and beautiful.

I knelt down in front of the white mounds in front of us and dug my arms into the white stuff, elbows deep. It was coarse white salt. I looked at the girl who had dug her arms in too. We were both excited and ecstatic, in awe of the landscape before us. After some moments, we came to our senses and decided to find our way back to the concert again. We turned back the way we came and there was a man, a janitor, custodian type draggin something heavy behind him. It was partly invisible, the part that actually touched the ground. When we passed him I got a better look. It was a gental L-shaped glass thing, rimmed on one side by brushed aluminum. The glass must’ve been 2 inches thick but clearer than any glass could be. I can’t imagine what it was for but it was heavy.

Then we were back downstairs, in the tent where the concert was. The band was back on stage playing and it was dark with flashing lights. I lead the way, weaving through the crowds looking for openings and opportunites to get closer. I’d look behind me every so often to check on the girl, if she was keeping up. Then I found a spot to settle in about 40 feet from the stage. It looked like a good spot to enjoy the rest of the concert. I reached my right arm back to find the girl’s hand, to pull her in behind me.

Instead, when I pulled and looked back, it was a man. Nobody I knew but in the dream I was receptive. He was slightly taller than me, well built, head shaved close. He felt like he was a boyfriend in the dream, not someone I’m totally in love with but just enjoying each other, revelling still in the beginnings of connection. He came up close behind me and we just swayed and enjoyed the concert with our bodies close, warm. It felt really good.

Tanning and a Missed Show

Dream 05.11.12
I was at a tanning salon with J. Husband was waiting with us. The salon lady put cream on our faces and bodies and just told us to wait. We wait forever. The salon was on a second floor, with ceiling to floor glass windows which looked out over the strip mall it was in. We basically watched the whole day go by from daytime to night. There was a convenience store, a dirty chinese restaurant and also a local bar at the corner.

When it was night, husband didn’t seem to be waiting around anymore. I’m not sure where J went either. I decided to just leave. I went down to the strip mall into a model/craft store. The guy behind the counter was some middle-aged chinese dude. There were a lot of 8-10 year old boys browsing in the store. I think I asked the guy something and he couldn’t answer me because all the boys were

Then I was walking around on a university campus, wandering looking for a place to site on my own. I passed a mirror along the way and saw my reflection. My face wasn’t tanned or glowing. It looked more like I had a sunburn but I didn’t even feel it. I think I was upset at the tanning salon a bit and felt ripped off.

Finally I found a small square table and sat down on my own. Two guys approached and one sat down. Apparently he saw me at the tanning salon earlier but with my husband.
He tried to ask me out for coffee, something about being afraid because my husband was around earlier. I smiled and turned away, laughing to myself at how ridiculous this dance was. Then I said to him and refused his invite. His buddy laughs.

Then I was walking through a bar looking around for familiar faces. I saw a bunch of friends that I barely hang with anymore. One of them saw me and made an ambiguously gesture to invited me over to say hi or sit down. I was apprehensive at first but decided to join them anyway. Someone beside me orders a big plate of fried fish with rice. When the waitress brought this massive plate, I was offered some but instead a ordered a pint.

Later I am walking through the back of a theatre. The walls were all a dirty dusty rose. There was a musical show happening on stage and I was just wandering around but with a non-urgent feeling that someone was after me and I did not want to be caught.

Another Party

I woke up this morning and had excellent recall of the whole dream. I replayed it all in my head but as soon as I got out of the covers, the whole middle chunk went missing. Before I fell asleep last night, I had told myself that I wanted to know “Why can’t I walk away?” and “What am I afraid of?” I wanted this answered but not sure if this dream really did that. I have put some meaning to some of this in my head…but not sure if I am reading too much into it either.

Dreams 04.27.12

I was carefully setting up for a party in my mom’s house. My job was to move the xbox and related peripherals from the tv and hook it all up to the projector. It wasn’t’ actually her current basement, it had all wood panelling, a white leather couch facing the opposite way of where the wall for the projected image would be. Anyway, I moved each piece of equipment over to the right side of the projection wall and hooked it up.  I started with the console, then the receiver, then the kinect. Then for some reason, there was also a Dance Dance style controller pad, but it was made of a terry cloth towel material and the pattern on it looked more like a Twister mat.

While I was setting up, I think my mom kept coming downstairs to get other things ready so she interrupted me a few times. When everything was plugged in, I turned on the project to see how it would look.  The projected image was actually much bigger than the screen, which only took up about a third of the wall.  I looked at the image and thought to myself, that’s actually not that great.  How am I gonna get this screen down now? In the end, I’m not sure what happened, can’t remember if I “fixed” it or not.

Then the middle chunk of the dream is where I forgot everything. I believe it had something to do with filming and production but can’t be sure.

The last part of the dream, I took off from whatever I was doing in the middle chunk, to go shopping. I went to the mall, which had a really tall ceiling, big windows so light was pouring in from top. The store I was approaching had a huge line-up. Everyone was waiting outside for it to open. It was just a clothing store so I wondered what the hubbub was about. There were already racks of clothes displayed outside. I noticed bighead, roommate and big E waiting around at the front of the line so I joined them. They were talking and we were kind of mulling about the racks on display. I saw a cute little dress that I showed bighead, maybe I’d get it for his baby girl. He shook his head and said it’s okay, even cheaper in China or something to that effect. I kept on looking at the racks while the boys talked. They weren’t excluding me in particular but I remember having a feeling that I was “out of touch” with my friends as they talked. Then I picked up a beige pair of rouched cargo capris with belt on a rack. It was $8 and I thought what a bargain that was, I should buy it. However I ended up putting it back on the rack.

Dream or Revelations?

Over the past couple weeks I have been making progress in my daily dream recall with the ultimate goal to become lucid. Apart from wanting to try certain activities while lucid, I was also hoping this journey into the dream world would allow me some much needed conversation with my subconscious.

I’ve been struggling with certain conflicts between my heart, body and mind for quite a long time now. It seems to have been a never ending struggle in the past 8 years where I often doubted if the final outcome was what I actually chose. Or perhaps my mind told me the logical steps to take even though my heart and body told me otherwise. Usually my heart has been caught somewhere in the middle and ultimately the mind won the battle.

Now, I am at a point where it seems the heart and body are mostly on one side but my mind is standing strong, trying to tug my heart to its side. Now more than ever, I feel the need to listen to my subconscious, who has perhaps known the truth all along but my mind just shielded me from it. Perhaps because the real truth would hurt, a lot.

Anyways, I will start logging what I recall from my dreams here. Here is a first entry for last night’s 2 dreams.

Dream 1:
My dear friend drives me to a bus stop located on the side of a deserted parking lot. It is late at night, only a few street lamps are on. It is windy, cold and snowy.

My husband appears at the bus stop. My friend sees that I am “safe” and drives off into the night. My husband asks me when the bus is arriving. I check the schedule and it says 11:20pm but I knew it was never going to come. He asks me a few more times and I repeat the time the bus should arrive. We just wait in the cold, standing a couple feet apart from each other.

Dream 2:
I am on a brand new luxury coach bus. My dear friend, roommate and Ginger are all on the bus but sitting separately. The bus is full of people. Everyone on the bus is going to Ginger’s house. Apparently his family is hosting some gathering.

We arrive outside the destination and Ginger tries to get off the bus first to lead the way. He is pissed drunk, slurring and stumbling his way out of the bus, tripping at times as he passes the seats.

When we are off the bus, we are somehow immediately inside. It’s supposed to be his family’s house (but not like the one irl), this one is huge. There are a lot of people here, much more than I had expected. I knew no one besides my dear friend and roommate.

We make our way to where food was supposed being served and encounter a super long line up into the basement where a huge buffet of sorts was setup. But there were so many people, the line moved slowly. We waited in line anyway just hanging out.

That’s all I remember from this dream.